


Starstruck (The Idea of Always)

by ghosttotheparty



Category: SKAM (Netherlands), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Flirting, M/M, Unintentional Self Harm, anxiety/panic attacks, bisexual jens, ill have trigger warnings when necessary at the beginning of the chapters, so smitten, theyre just, theyre very in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 77
Words: 72,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24587368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghosttotheparty/pseuds/ghosttotheparty
Summary: I needed Jens and Lucas to be canon so I took care of it myself.(Starts at the Christmas party in s3)
Relationships: Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden
Comments: 48
Kudos: 123





	1. Vrijdag 22:21

**JENS**  
Jens hadn't been to a party like this one in a while. Most of the parties he'd been to recently were loud and crowded, with people he didn't know and drinks he couldn't name. It was almost like the parties themselves were telling him to leave (he didn't, of course, he had appearances to keep up). 

The holiday party at Milan's and Zoë's (and Robbe's in a way) was smaller, more intimate. Everyone knew everyone, at least by name, Aaron didn't know Milan well enough to know what to get him for Secret Santa. The music was a bit loud, but it was a party, and the girls wanted to dance. 

But Jens didn't want to leave quite yet. He was happy, and chill. Everything was okay.  
The party had been going on for a while now, but it didn't seem like anyone was too keen on leaving. The girls were still taking turns dancing before plopping themselves on the sofa for a drink, and then jumping up at the next song and starting over. Robbe and Sander were sitting on one of the sofas with their legs tangled and Robbe's head between Sander's neck and shoulder, where he kept turning his face toward Sander to place gentle kisses to his skin. Jens always smiled when he caught this, though neither of them noticed him watching. Aaron and Amber couldn't keep their hands off each other. Jens smiled at this too. Jana and Luca were in the kitchen, grabbing some crackers or something for Zoë and Noor (and the guys, who were going to eat it too). 

At one point the doorbell rang and everyone (except Aaron and Amber) looked up in confusion, as everyone who had been invited was there. Then Milan jumped up from his place next to Zoë, where he had been gently kicking her feet, and said, "Oh, that's right!" 

"Food?" Sander asked, raising his eyebrows at him. 

"No, I invited some friends, they're in town from the Netherlands." He made his way to the door and opened it, exclaiming happily, "Hi!" to the two people behind the door. Jens looked over at Zoë, assuming she would know, and she shrugged nonchalantly before continuing her conversation with Noor. 

"People," Milan said, a little too loudly as he reentered the room, "this is Ralph," he gestured to one of the guests, who had bleached-grey hair and an earring, "and Lucas." Milan pointed at the other guest, a younger boy, with curly brown hair and blue eyes. 

Jens's eyes got stuck on the boy. As Lucas looked at everyone, giving thin, awkward smiles as they greeted him and Ralph, Jens gazed at him, his lips parting, his stare travelling down his body and back up to his face. He had freckles scattered across his face and a mole above his lip. 

_Fuck._

When Jens looked back up to Lucas's'eyes, he was startled by Lucas looking directly at him, his eyes a more startling blue than he'd realised. They held eye contact for a second, an intense second, before Jens broke it, looking away, back down to his phone, pressing the home button and swiping pointlessly as he couldn't focus on anything on the screen. 

"Uh, yeah, you can sit, or stand if you want, I don't think you'll want to, but sure," Milan said hastily, a bit awkwardly, and they both gave polite laughs and sat on a small empty sofa. 

**LUCAS**  
Lucas's eyes went over the other people at the party again. He lingered a bit on the pretty boy sitting on the floor. 

Jens didn't notice.


	2. Vrijdag 22:46

**LUCAS**  
The party was much more comfortable than he had been expecting. No one forced conversation or smiles and asked him what he thought of conversations that he wasn't involved in, but was obviously listening to. This was mostly Noor and Zoë, as they were closest. Ralph had taken up a conversation with Milan, about things they had in common that they didn't think anyone else did. (Lucas avoided letting them know that yes, other people do do that, it's normal, and decided to just let them be.) 

At one point he decided to go chill in the kitchen because it looked like everyone was in the living room. Eight guys, including himself and Ralph, and six girls, and Lucas thought the odds were in his favour that they were all scattered across the sofas and floor, and none were in the kitchen. 

No one asked him anything about where he was going when he stood and walked quietly across the room, probably assuming he was on his way to get a beer or something. The party wasn't as loud as it had been when he and Ralph arrived, but when he shut the door behind him, and he heard just himself breathing, it was strangely calming to him. He backed away from the door and pulled himself up onto the counter, his head forward to avoid the cabinets, which was a bit uncomfortable, but not too bad. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and messages Isa and Kes, saying things like "we're at some party I don't know anyone here" and "Ralph is hanging with a guy he knows and I'm bored". He sighed. 

Parties were all the same.

 **JENS**  
They weren't being too loud, but listening to Luca talk about masturbation was a little bit uncomfortable for Jens. So he left. 

He decided to go chill in the kitchen, where he assumed no one would be, as everyone was in the living room. 

How wrong he was.   
When he swung the door open, he saw that the younger guest Milan had invited was sitting crisscross on the counter, on his phone. He looked up when Jens walked in and gave a little smile. The smile started as a hey smile and then turned into an _oh, you too?_ smile when Jens shut the door behind him. Jens took in an exaggerated breath and huffed as he turned toward Lucas. "...Yeah," he said as he made eye contact with him, referencing listening to the others talk, surely. He didn't really know what Lucas was asking him without words, but "yeah," was sure to suffice for whatever it was. 

They stared at each other awkwardly for a second, and then Jens said, "Lucas, right?" and held out his hand. 

"Uh, yeah," Lucas responded, reaching his own out and shaking Jens's lightly. 

"Jens." Lucas nodded. 

Jens pulled himself up onto the counter beside him and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He didn't want to be rude and start texting someone or scrolling through memes, but he didn't want to force a conversation between them. He didn't really know what to do, exactly. They could still hear the music through the door, the bass pumping through the speakers, and they could hear people talking, although they couldn't make out exactly what they were saying. 

"How do you know Milan?" Jens asked. 

"Uh, he's friends with Ralph, and Ralph is friends with one of my friends. He asked her to visit Belgium, but she didn't want to go, so..." Lucas trailed off and tapped his phone against his open palm, signalling that that was the end of his story. 

"So you did instead?" 

"Yeah." 

"Cool." 

At this point, Jens did start scrolling through memes, because he couldn't think of anything to say. It wasn't that awkward, and instead, the room felt weirdly chill, peaceful.

By the fourth or fifth baby Yoda in his feed, his back started to ache from bending over his legs so he started to lean back, unaware of how close the cabinets were. He hit his head on the wood, the loud _thunk_ breaking through the tight air of the room, and Lucas snorted at him without looking up from his own phone. 

"Ah, fuck," he said, rubbing the back of his head and glancing over at Lucas, his face becoming pink. Lucas looked over at him and snorted again, this time starting to actually laugh at him, pulling his hand up to cover his mouth. 

"Don't be mean," Jens said jokingly, almost elbowing Lucas as he rubbed his head more. Lucas laughed harder as he dodged Jens's arm and now Jens started to giggle at him too. Lucas had the cutest laugh. 

"Sorry, I did the exact same thing like right before you came in here, so I shouldn't laugh," Lucas said when he pulled his hand away from his face. He dodged Jens's elbow again, although this time Jens purposely shoved it toward him. He giggled again at him, pushing his elbow back toward him, causing Jens to almost fall off the counter. Jens yelped as he caught himself and Lucas laughed harder. 

"Fucking..." Jens trailed off when he saw how hard Lucas was laughing and couldn't stop himself from marvelling at his face. He rolled his eyes at him when he could finally tear his gaze away from him, and set his phone down next to himself.

 **LUCAS**   
It had only been about five minutes since they met, and this Jens was already going to be the death of him. First of all, he was _stunning_ , and second of all, he was almost, definitely, could possibly be, for sure, flirting with Lucas. And Lucas didn't know what to do with this information, but he did his best. 

The kitchen door swung open again as Lucas swatted Jens's elbow away from himself again and a girl with curly hair and glasses walked in. 

"Hello, boys..." she said when she looked at them, clearly not really processing them and making her way directly to the fridge. "I'm here for beers, you want one? Jens?" She looked over her shoulder to them and raised her eyebrows. 

"Eh, yeah, thanks." 

She reached into the fridge and grabbed one, and then looked back over her shoulder at Lucas. 

"What about you, boy I've literally never seen before in my life?"

"Uh, Lucas, yeah, thanks." His face heated up and he could Jens was looking at him. 

"Ah, Lucas." The girl reached back into the fridge and grabbed a handful of beers. She turned back toward the boys and said, "Luca," she gestured to herself with a beer, "Lucas," she handed the beer to him. "Twins!" She handed another beer to Jens and said absentmindedly, almost to herself, "Almost."

When the door swung shut behind her, Jens and Lucas both started laughing again. "Is she drunk or high? Or is she just like that?" Lucas asked. Jens opened his beer and then grabbed Lucas's from his hands. 

"Luca is just..." he opened it and handed it back to him. "Luca." He held his beer up to Lucas and Lucas tapped the neck of his bottle against Jens's. Jens took a gulp (no, Lucas didn't watch his throat as he swallowed) and then reached into his back pocket, shifting on the counter. He pulled out a blunt, slightly crumpled from being in his pocket. "You smoke?" 

"Yeah." Lucas took a sip from his own drink and then when Jens reached across the counter to grab a random lighter from the corner, said "Inside?"

"We can go outside," Jens said, and then hopped off the counter and walked over to the door of the kitchen. Lucas untangled his legs and followed. Nobody asked any questions when they walked through the living room to the front door and stepped outside. As soon as they were outside Jens was already lighting the blunt, shielding his face and the flame with his beer-holding hand. Lucas watched as he inhaled and then tossed the lighter to the ground onto the mat outside the door. Jens took the blunt from his lips and held his breath for a second before holding it out to Lucas and exhaling. The smoke was more visible against the dark and Lucas forced himself to look away and instead looked at the sky as he inhaled.

"You a big partier?" Jens asked. Lucas laughed softly, blowing out smoke before he had wanted to. 

"No, not really." He pulled the blunt back up to his lips and inhaled before passing it back to Jens. When Jens took it from him, his fingers brushed against his. Lucas pulled his hand back and tucked it under his arm as he leaned over the gate, rubbing the sparks out of his skin on the fabric of his jackets. 

"Yeah, me neither," Jens spoke quietly, even though they were the only ones outside. 

They stood in silence for a few minutes, passing the blunt back and forth between them, every time Lucas having to rub his fingers on his jacket, arm, or the cold metal of the gate to get the feeling out. It was a chill silence like it has been in the kitchen, strangely comfortable. 

The door swung open behind them, startling both of them, Lucas almost dropping the blunt over the gate, and the other turned to look at who had open it. It was a girl with shoulder-length bleached hair and dark red lips. 

"Guys, we thought you left. You know you can smoke inside, right? We don't mind," she said, leaning outside into the cold. "We have some food if you're hungry." She nodded at Jens and turned back inside, not shutting the door. 

Lucas and Jens looked at each other, the same question in other their eyes, and they both smiled and looked away. 

"What's her name?" Lucas asked. 

"Zoë. She lives here with Milan and Robbe. And Senne, but I think they broke up." He said the last part like a question. "I don't really know." He turned toward Lucas as they go through the door and Lucas nodded back at him.

 **JENS**   
When they got inside, all the sofa seats were taken. Robbe was leaning into Sander's side, and Aaron and Amber were next to them, with Zoë next to them. Luca and Yasmina were the only ones on the floor, Luca with her back against Zoë's legs and Yasmina laying against Jana's. There was a movie playing on the television. 

"Food," Moyo said, looking up at them and pointing to the coffee table. 

Jens grabbed a handful of crackers and tossed himself to the floor, his back against the sofa, under where Robbe's legs are tucked against himself. Lucas followed, doing the same. Jens took a drag off the blunt he was still holding and held it out to Lucas, who took it gently (he seemed generally gentle) and held it up to his own lips. Lucas wasn't looking in his direction and it was dark, so Jens took a moment to watch him.

Lucas's cheeks hollowed out as he inhaled, and then he pulled the blunt away from his mouth, blowing the smoke out in a slow stream and then took another drag. Jens gazed, mesmerized. Then Lucas held the blunt out to Jens, and looked over at him, catching his eye. Even though Jens's face heated up completely (he was grateful it was dark) and his heart skipped a beat, he held his gaze, taking it from Lucas's hand. Lucas kept looking at him.   
Jens didn't bring the blunt to his mouth, just held it, balancing his wrist on his knee. Neither of them was paying any attention to the movie, and instead, they both just focused on each other, both of them with the smallest smiles possible, and the reflection of the lights from the tv in their eyes.

Then Robbe kicked Jens's head. 

"Shit," Jens said, ducking away from Robbe's feet, pulling his eyes away from Lucas's. He could hear Lucas laughing quietly, or trying to, and glares at Robbe. 

"Sorry, sorry," Robbe said, tucking his feet under Aaron, Aaron jumping slightly before ignoring it. Jens rolled his eyes at Robbe and turned back to Lucas, making a face that said: "Can you believe this?" 

Lucas pulled his shirt up over his mouth as he tried not to laugh, and then dropped it as he reached out and gently smacked Jens's head. As Jens raised his hands in a confused gesture, Lucas scooted toward him and whispered, "Can't catch a break, can you?" 

"Apparently not," Jens whispered back motioning to where Lucas had just hit him.

For the rest of the movie, they passed the blunt back and forth and ate their crackers as quietly as they could. Lucas finished his first, and instead of crawling over to the coffee table to get more, he reached over and took some from Jens's hand, like it was the most natural thing in the world. And it was, in a way. They both kept sneaking glances at each other and pretended they didn't catch each other looking. At one point their legs fell against each other. Neither of them moved.


	3. Zaterdag 00:16

**LUCAS**   
It was morning by the time Ralph and Lucas started to head back to their hotel room a few blocks away from the flatshare. In the darkness, walking slightly behind Ralph so he couldn't see, Lucas smiled to himself, trying not to. 

Jens left before they had, he had followed Moyo home, and while he waited for Moyo to finish saying his goodbyes, he had gone directly to Lucas from the door. Lucas had watched him. Jens was standing by the door, looping a scarf around his neck, and then looked at Lucas. And walked toward him. Smiled.

"Eh, do you have WhatsApp? Or...something?" Jens asked awkwardly. Lucas stared for a second, processing, before saying, "Yeah. Yeah, hold on," and pulling his phone out. 

They exchanged numbers and before the door was even shut behind Jens, he had texted Lucas, "Do you want to hang out tomorrow?" 

Lucas couldn't stop smiling.

 **JENS**  
Lucas responded to his message saying, "I think I can make some space in my schedule for you." 

Jens couldn't stop smiling.


	4. texts - Lucas and Jens

J: Do you want to hang out tomorrow?

L: I think I can make some space in my schedule for you.

J: Wow, I'm honoured

L: Yes you are   
What will we be doing?

J: Food?

L: Yes?

J: Do you skateboard?

L: Yeah  
I don't have a board with me though

J: I can bring an extra if you want

L: Sounds good   
What time?   
And where?

J: Uhhh 11?   
Outside Milan's building?

L: Okay  
See you tomorrow :)

J: :)


	5. Zaterdag 11:07

**LUCAS**

Lucas waited, leaning against the outside wall of the apartment building the flat-share was in. A couple of people had walked past him, and he had stopped looking up every time someone past, as after the fifth or sixth person wasn't Jens, he gave up and kept looking down at his phone. 

He had told Ralph he was hanging out with Jens, and Ralph was very supportive of this idea. A little too supportive. Ralph said he was going to be chilling with Milan and some of his friends from school. 

Lucas scrolled through his Instagram again, after refreshing for the fourth time, and nearly dropped his phone when he heard, "Hey." He looked up, swiftly turning his phone off and shoving it into the pocket of the jacket he was wearing. 

"Hey. Thought you were just gonna leave me here," Lucas said as he pushed himself up and held his hand up. Jens slapped his hand against Lucas's and laughed. 

"Never."

He held a skateboard out to Lucas.

Lucas took it and said, "All alone... In an unfamiliar city..." 

Jens laughed again. 

"Dramatic ass." He dropped his skateboard on the ground and stepped on it, moving down the empty sidewalk. 

"Hey!" Lucas did the same, feigning offends at Jens's comment. "Where are we going?" he called. 

Jens turned his head to look back at him. 

"Lunch!"


	6. Zaterdag 11:19

**JENS**  
They slowed to a stop in front of a convenience store that had a rack full of bikes outside it and an overflowing trash can. Birds flew around the roof of the shop, flapping and squawking and the boys kicked their boards up into their hands. 

They both entered and grabbed chips and drinks, and as they approached the till Jens snatched Lucas's from his hands. Jens paid for both of their "lunches," and Lucas gave him a smile as they left. 

As they stepped outside, Jens held the plastic bag out to Lucas and dropped his backpack to the ground so he could put his wallet in it. The bag dropped directly into bird poop, and Jens took a deep breath without moving. Lucas noticed and began to laugh at him, moving his hands up to cover his face with the bag. Jens laughed too, half at the bird poop and half just smiling at Lucas's unsuccessful attempt to cover his face. (Jens was glad this was unsuccessful, he had the prettiest smile.)

Jens dropped his wallet in the bag and zipped it up, still laughing, and then tossed it onto his back and stood. 

"Fun place for a first date, huh?" he asked as he took the plastic bag from Lucas. Jens's heart dropped for a split second, worrying that the comment was weird, or might make Lucas uncomfortable, but Lucas began to laugh harder, his face becoming pink. 

Jens giggled as he reached into the bag and passed Lucas's food and drink to him. 

"Super romantic, great choice," Lucas teased. 

Jens couldn't help but wish it was a real date.

 **LUCAS**  
Holding their chips and bottles, the boys skated down the sidewalks, avoiding people, dogs, and cracks in the pavement. Every once in a while, Jens would turn his head to look back at Lucas, and Jens would smile at him. It was just a small smile, but it was brighter than anything Lucas has ever seen. Lucas smiled, even though Jens was already turning his head back. 

Lucas couldn't actually stop smiling. 

Jens led him to the skate park and began to roll back and forth on the half pipe as Lucas sat next to his board at the top of it. Lucas watched as Jens shoves chips in his mouth as he turned to skate in Lucas's direction. 

"Don't choke," Lucas called to him. 

Jens grabbed another couple of chips and put them all in his mouth at once. 

"I'm gonna do it on purpose now," he said, his voice muffled and garbled. 

"Dumbass," Lucas said quietly, but not quietly enough, and Jens said, "Rude."

Lucas giggled as he opened his own chips. He watched Jens in silence for a minute until he looked up and caught his eye. Jens smiled. 

"Where are you from?" Jens asked, loud enough for Lucas to hear. 

"The Netherlands," he responded, lifting it up at the end so it sounded like a question. "I thought you knew that." 

"I did, but where in the Netherlands?" 

"Oh. Utrecht." 

Jens moves his hands in a _go on_ gesture. Lucas looked at him in confusion. 

"Tell me about your friends and stuff." 

Lucas dropped his bag of chips next to himself and leaned back, putting his weight on his hands, and looking up. Jens turned back around and skated in the other direction. 

"Uhhh, I have friends..." He trailed off, thinking about where to start. 

"Woahhh," Jens said sarcastically. 

"Shut up!" Lucas said, smiling at the clouds. "I have friends, I've got Kes and Isa, they're my best friends." 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, but it's kind of weird, some drama and stuff last year. They used to date but they broke up. And then got back together. And then broke up." Lucas looked down into the half-pipe and saw that Jens was looking at him now, rolling back and forth without changing which direction his body was facing. 

"Awkward," Jens said after a second. 

"Kind of. They're pretty chill about it. I think they still like each other." 

"Huh." 

They kept looking at each other for another second before Jens stepped off his skateboard pushed it up the slope in front of Lucas. Lucas caught it before it fell, and set it down next to himself while Jens ran up the slope and pulled himself up so he was sitting next to Lucas.

 **JENS**  
"What about your friends?" Lucas asked. 

"What about them?"

"Tell me about them."

"You met them last night."

"I met _you_ last night. I don't know anyone."

Jens laughed quietly and turned to look at Lucas, catching his eye and smiling again. He leaned back, holding himself up, copying Lucas, and said "Friends."

"Yes."

"There's Robbe, he's my best friend," he began. 

"Is he the one that kicked you?"

Jens snorted, and said, "Yeah, that's the one."

"Keep going."

"Robbe, and his boyfriend, Sander, he's pretty cool. They just got together recently. Uhh, them, and Aaron and Moyo. Dumbasses, both of them. But that's okay." Lucas laughed and Jens looked over at him. His eyes were closed. Jens noticed freckles scattered across his face in the sunlight, and he had a soft smile. Jens allowed himself to stare, his own expression softening until he had a smile as well. 

"The girls are cool too," he continued, still looking at Lucas. "Zoë, she lives there. Amber, Jana, Luca, you met her, Yasmina, and Noor was there. She's Robbe's ex, but I think Moyo might like her now. We'll see how that goes."

Lucas laughed and turned his head to look at Jens, and Jens didn't have enough time to turn away and play it off, so he just smiled at Lucas's laughter. 

Again.


	7. Zaterdag 16:27

**JENS**   
Jens knew that Lucas was in Antwerp with Ralph, but to be completely honest, he didn't want to share, even though he knew that technically Ralph was the one doing the sharing. Lucas was doing the same that Jens had been doing a few hours earlier, swooping back and forth in the half-pipe, every once in a while looking up at Jens and smiling brightly. Earlier they had begun asking questions to each other, just simple ones. The first question he had asked Lucas was "What's your favourite colour?"

Lucas had started laughing shyly, and he looked away before saying, "You can't tell anyone this." Jens jokingly said, "Pink?" but Lucas started laughing harder, and it was obvious that Jens was right. 

"Are you serious?" Jens asked as he started laughing too. He leaned forward to look at Lucas's face, playing it off as him teasing him. 

"It's such a pretty colour!" Lucas defended himself. "Especially when it's like, pastel, not like the super bright pink, I don't like that." 

Jens started laughing harder and said, "Okay, that's fair, I guess. Pink is chill." 

"Pink is chill." Lucas pushed his shoulder against Jens's, almost pushing Jens off the ledge they sat on. 

"What's your favourite colour then, if you're so above pink?" Lucas asked Jens and looked at him. Jens looked right back. 

"Blue." 

"Blue is chill." 

"Blue is chill."

As Lucas skated in front of Jens, Jens couldn't help but think of how often he saw blue and pink together. Usually in baby items, but they still complimented each other.

"Do you have anywhere to go?" Jens called down to Lucas when they looked at each other again.

"No," he said. 

"Ralph isn't asking for you or anything?" 

Lucas pulled his phone out of the front pocket of his hoodie and stepped on the back of his skateboard, slowing to a stop. He looked at his phone for a second and then said, "No," again. 

"Nice."

Lucas looked at Jens and quirked his eyebrows up quickly and nodded slightly before pushing his board up the slope for Jens to catch. When Jens caught it, he ran up the slope and pulled himself up next to him. 

They say next to each other for a second, and then Jens leaned backwards, reaching behind Lucas to grab his bag. His arm brushed Lucas's back. When he pulled his bag closer, it bumped into Lucas, and Lucas said, "Are you _trying_ to push me off?" 

"I'll fucking do it," Jens replies as he unzipped his bag and rummaged through it for his phone. 

"I'll kill you." 

"Mmhm." Jens glances up at Lucas and suppressed a smile. 

Lucas sat patiently as Jens typed into his phone, _Interesting questions to ask_. After a second, Jens pulled his head up and said, "Okay. What celebrity would you rate as a perfect ten?" 

He asked this partially to see if Lucas's answer would be a girl or guy. 

"Uhhh," Lucas hesitated. He looked up to the darkening sky, thinking. "Young Leonardo di Caprio," he said, looking back at Jens. Jens's heart jumped a little. 

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, like Jack from Titanic? Or Romeo? He was cute." Lucas started smiling like he was trying to act serious, but it wasn't working. His cheeks looked pink. 

"Romeo?" 

"Yeah?"

"I haven't seen that one."

"Yet," Lucas added, pointing to him. "I'm gonna make you watch it now." Jens smiled. 

"Okay." He paused for a second before passing his phone over to Lucas. "Your turn."

As Lucas scrolled, Jens placed his bag behind himself and leaned back on it, the bag holding his head up. He closed his eyes. 

"If you had the money for it, would you try space tourism?" Lucas asked. Jens noticed that this question wasn't on the page that he had used, but didn't really care, even though usually he didn't like people doing stuff on his phone. 

"Yes. One hundred percent," he said, not opening his eyes. He could feel Lucas looking at him. 

"Why?" 

"Why not? It's awesome."

"How?" 

"The universe is so big, dude. There's _so much_ out there." Jens opened his eyes now and looked over to see that Lucas had shifted his whole body, sitting crisscross, facing Jens. He had never actually talked about how into space he was, and he wasn't in a way. He couldn't name all the planets or types of stars or anything like that. He just thought it was fascinating that the world wasn't the only thing in their universe or galaxy. 

"And we don't even know if there are other universes. Like, there might be another universe completely different from ours. Or exactly like it."

 **LUCAS**   
Lucas liked to see how excited Jens got about space. It was cute. 

"Exactly like it?" he asked, trying to get Jens to keep talking. 

"Exactly like it, or a little bit different. Like...like parallel universes." Jens reached up and messed his hair up a little. "Maybe somewhere there's a parallel universe where everything is the same, there's a Lucas and a Jens doing exactly what we're doing, except..." He trailed off and looked away from Lucas, glancing around them. "Except the skateboards are yellow. Or something," he finished awkwardly. 

"That's really cool to think about, actually." Lucas smiled slightly. "How many Lucases and Jenses are there? In all the universes?" 

"Infinite ones."


	8. texts - Lucas and Jens

L: ok next question   
Saturday night out or at home?

J: Honestly home but I go to parties and stuff anyway  
my turn: pencils or pens?

L: pens to write and pencils to draw  
what's your favourite holiday?

J: Halloween 100%   
if you could have any superpower what would you want?

L: that's a good one   
maybe flight?

J: laaaaaame

L: rude   
when's our next date?

J: you miss me? ;)

L: something like that

J: day after Christmas? I have to help my mom out with stuff but I should be free then

L: that should work for me


	9. Zondag 13:36

**LUCAS**   
Lucas had been hanging out at Milan's flat with Ralph all day. Robbe had chatted with him a bit, just about school and things like that, before Sander showed up and they left to get lunch. Sander and Robbe looked like a good couple. Lucas had exchanged just a few words with Sander ("Hey, what's up?") but he could tell that he and Robbe were happy together. That made Lucas happy, even though he didn't know either of them well. 

Before Sander had shown up, Lucas and Robbe had exchanged Instagrams. After they had, Lucas put his phone down so he wasn't being rude, but he was itching to find Jens's account. He had realized that they had only exchanged their numbers, and nothing else, and Lucas wanted to look at the pictures he had posted. As soon as Sander and Robbe left, he pulled his phone out and opened Robbe's Instagram. 

There was a picture from the party the other day, and a picture of Robbe and Sander decorating the Christmas tree. Lucas looked at each picture individually, smiling briefly at the photo of Robbe and Sander laying together smiling blissfully, until he found a picture with Jens in it. 

His smile grew as he opened the picture, Robbe and Jens crouching next to Aaron, who was lying on his stomach, wearing what looked like a bunny onesie. He zoomed in on Jens and stared for a second before tapping the picture to see if Jens was tagged. He was. 

Lucas forgot he was smiling as he scrolled through Jens's account. There were lots of pictures of food, all of them tagged #vettigevrijdag. Lucas laughed quietly and shook his head. There were lots of vlog posts (he would have to watch them eventually) and lots of pictures taken with the guys. 

He stopped when he came across a picture of just Jens, with a serious expression and a red zip-up mock neck shirt. He really was pretty. Lucas took a screenshot before continuing scrolling. 

His smile faltered when he found a picture of Jens and a girl he recognized from the holiday party. The photo was taken by her, a selfie, and she had her arm around Jens, his face smushed by her hand. The caption read "We cute". 

Lucas turned his phone off for a second, wondering if they were dating. They hadn't seemed that close at the holiday party, in fact, he didn't think he had seen either of them exchange a word. Maybe they had before he arrived. He opened his phone again and checked the date for the picture. October 2018. Maybe they _had_ dated and had broken up. But why wouldn't he delete the picture? Maybe the ended on good terms. And if they _were_ dating, why would Jens have referred to the two of them hanging out a date? 

This made Lucas pause again, suddenly wondering if maybe it _had_ been a date. When Jens called it that, Lucas had laughed and gone along with it, but then later Lucas himself had asked when their next "date" was. Jens had gone along with it, too. Maybe it was a date, and Lucas was just oblivious. 

Or maybe he was just overthinking things. 

He opened his phone again and scrolled back up to the top of Jens's account, and tapped "Follow".


	10. Maandag 14:13

**JENS**  
Lucas followed him on Instagram. He was also following Robbe, and because he was probably hanging out with Milan, he had seen Robbe pretty often lately. It still felt like Jens's heart burst when he got the notification. He had spent a few minutes just looking through Lucas's account, gazing at all the artsy looking photos of Lucas. He scrolled as he laid in his bed, waiting for his mom to call him out to wash the dishes or wrap some gifts.

He stopped at a photo of Lucas smiling, the camera close to his face and his eyes closed. Jens smiled softly at his screen, the brightness lighting up his face in his curtain-drawn room. He took a screenshot. 

He swiped out of the picture and stopped again at another post of Lucas with another boy. Lucas's arms were around his neck, the boy holding onto Lucas's wrist, them both laughing. Jens sat up as he stared at the picture, pushing himself against the wall. His brow furrowed. 

He went back to all the photos and scanned them before opening it up again. This was the only photo of just the two of them. Could this be a boyfriend? Or just a friend? He tapped the post to see if the boy was tagged. 

It was Kes, and Jens remembered Lucas saying that Kes was his best friend. Jens relaxed and then wondered in Lucas _did_ have someone in Utrecht, even if it wasn't Kes. Lucas had called their outing a date after Jens did, and Jens had assumed he was joking. 

Jens forgot about Kes for a minute, suddenly realizing that maybe Lucas hadn't been joking. Maybe he did think they went on a date. Had Jens gone on a date with a boy? 

He'd never gone on a date with a boy. He'd never _wanted_ to go on a date with a boy. He'd looked at boys, and thought they were cute, or hot, or whatever. But he'd never wanted something like this. Never wanted something real. He really wanted to go on a real date with Lucas. 

Jens slid down to his back, dropped his phone on his stomach, and sighed deeply, throwing his arms across his face. 

Then he picked his phone up, went to Lucas's profile, and pressed "Follow".


	11. Dinsdag 12:08

**JENS**  
Jens finished wrapping gifts, the perfume he got for his mom, and the small stack of colouring books he got for his sister. He finished washing the dishes. And sweeping. He finished dusting and cleaning tables and counters. He cleaned up the pine needles around the Christmas trees. 

And now he was bored. 

His mom had gone out to go shopping and his sister was at a friend's house. He had asked his mom if he could go out, he wanted to hang out with Lucas (go on a date?), but she said no because she would be needing his help when she got home. 

So he was stuck.

He laid in his bed, flat on his back, and Googled "Leonardo di Caprio Romeo and Juliet". He watched the trailer that came up. It seemed like something Lucas would watch. 

He opened WhatsApp and send a message to Lucas. 

_I'm bored_

Lucas responded just seconds later. 

_Me too_

Jens hesitated for a second before calling him. While it rang, he closed his eyes nervously, worried Lucas wouldn't pick up. 

But he did. 

"Hey." Lucas's voice was different over the phone than in person. He sounded like he was sitting right to Jens. Jens didn't open his eyes. 

"Hey."

They were quiet for a second like they were just sitting together. 

"You miss me?" Lucas broke the silence. Jens imagined Lucas doing the exact same as him, laying on his back on his hotel bed, or the sofa in the flat-share living room. 

"Actually, yeah," Jens said quietly. "I wanted to see you today but my mom wouldn't let me leave." 

"Mm." Lucas sighed. "What are you doing right now?" 

"Talking to you. Laying my room. You?" 

"I'm in my hotel room. Ralph went to a club with Milan." 

"Nice." Jens turned onto his side, still holding the phone up to his ear, and kept his eyes closed. "I have another question." 

"Go for it." Jens could hear Lucas's smile in his voice. 

"You can fly, but you have the most terrifying wings ever. Like you literally look like...like the antichrist or something. Would you take it?"

"Absolutely." 

" _What_?" 

"Yeah, you get to fly, and if you look like the Devil or whatever, no one will bother you. Win-win." 

Jens laughed, pulling the phone away for a second before putting it back and saying, "Okay, that's fair." 

"Exactly." 

"But if _you_ think they're ugly, though, would you still take it?"

"I mean...I've already got my face and I can't do anything about that, so why not?" 

Jens sat up and opened his eyes. 

" _Okay_. You're not allowed to say that." 

"No?" He could hear Lucas laughing. "Why not?"

"Uh, because I said so. That's illegal now." 

Lucas laughed harder. "I'm not allowed to say I'm ugly?" 

"No!" Jens leaned forward with emphasis. 

"Why not?"

"Because you're fucking adorable," Jens said without thinking, and then he froze, wincing at himself. 

"You think I'm adorable?" Lucas asked, sounding like he was teasing Jens. 

Jens leaned back after hearing how calm Lucas was. "I think you're _beautiful_."

 **LUCAS**  
_Beautiful._

Lucas had never been called beautiful before. 

Especially not by a boy like Jens, who was gorgeous himself. Lucas didn't know what to say.   
"Beautiful?" he asked. "Are you serious?" 

"You're precious!" Jens said. Lucas started laughing. Precious. He couldn't see what about him was so precious. Maybe it was because he had been stuck with the face he had for his whole life, the same way that if he stared at a word for long enough it stopped looking like a word. He considered this. 

"Huh." He didn't think he would ever tire of Jens's face. 

"You've never been called precious?" Jens teased. He seemed so sure of himself, like he knew exactly what he was doing and saying. Lucas tried to act the same way. 

"Not precious. Not beautiful." 

"Hm." 

They were quiet again. Lucas couldn't stop smiling. He took his free hand and covered up his face even though there was no one else in the room. 

"Anyway, ugly wings. Take it or leave it," Jens said. 

"Take it," Lucas responded, quickly moving his hand so his voice wasn't muffled. "Just so I can fly."

"That's still a lame power."

"You're just mean."

"I just called you beautiful! I'm _not_ mean." Lucas giggled, turning his head away from the phone so Jens couldn't hear him. Although he probably still did. 

"Okay, then you're just dumb because flight is the best power." 

"No, it's not."

"Then what would you pick if you're so smart?" 

"Uhm." Jens stopped, and then laughed at his own lack of an answer. 

"You can't call my answer lame if you don't have an answer yourself," Lucas said sassily. 

"Okay, pretty boy, calm down." Lucas giggled again. Jens always seemed to know how to get to him. "Oh!" 

"Oh," Lucas repeated. 

"Teleportation, that I can just go down to the Netherlands to see you whenever I want." Lucas's face heated up as a smile took over again. 

"Okay, that's fair. But only if you come to see me."

"Of course."


	12. Woensdag 19:47

**JENS**  
Jens didn't know what Lucas was up to for Christmas Day. He hadn't messaged or called all day, so he was probably out doing stuff with Ralph and Milan. Jens hadn't contacted him either, because he had put his phone away, for the most part, to be with his mother and sister. 

His mom liked the perfume he got her, she said it was her favourite scent. He knew because she had worn it for as long he could remember. She gave him a bright smile and a kiss on the cheek. His sister liked the colouring books and wanted to start colouring right away, but they had to clean up first.

He spent the day eating and laughing with them. It was a good day. As the sky darkened, though, he couldn't help but miss Lucas. So he messaged him. 

_Merry Christmas_

It took a few minutes before Lucas responded. 

🎁

Jens smiled, confused, and messaged back:

_Is that for me?_

_Yeah, open it_

🔪

Jens pulled shirt up over his mouth as he laughed at their conversation so he didn't disturb his mom. She was watching a movie as his sister coloured on the floor. He looked over to watch her and his phone buzzed. 

🧸

Jens furrowed his brow in confused laughter. 

_Wow, thank you, I've always wanted one of those_

He set his phone down for a second and smiled. 

_I know you so well_

Jens grinned under his shirt. This was the weirdest conversation he's had with anyone, but it was fun. And strangely normal, with Lucas. Everything came naturally when it was with Lucas. 

He messaged him back. 

🎁

_For me?_

_Of course._

🗡 _because I'm cooler than you_

Jens scoffed and muffled his giggles by holding his shirt to his face. His mom turned in her seat to look at him for a second before smiling and turning back around. 

🛹

_:0 no way_

_;)_


	13. Dondedag 15:18

**LUCAS**  
They decided to meet at the skate park. Lucas showed up first, only by a few minutes. He had kept Jens's skateboard from the last time they hung out, and he sat on it at the top of the half-pipe, in the same place they had hung out before. 

"Hey." Lucas turned when he heard Jens's voice, and shut off his phone and stuffed it in the pocket of his hoodie. 

"Hey." He lifted his hand up as Jens sat next to him, and Jens slapped their palms together before holding onto his hand and bringing up to touch his forehead and then dropping it. "All's good?" 

"Yeah," Lucas said a little breathlessly. "I have something for you." He reaches behind himself and grabbed the backpack he brought with him. He could feel Jens looking at him while he unzipped it and dug around in it, feelings round the jacket, wallet, and snacks he brought with him. 

"You ready?" he asked as he looked up into Jens's eyes. Jens shifted to face him completely. 

"Yeah," he said, smiling. 

Lucas pulled out a small brown teddy bear. 

Jens's jaw dropped as he smiled widely. 

"No way." Jens started to laugh as he reached for it. Lucas handed it to him and started to giggle as well. 

"I went out with Ralph, Milan, and Zoë last night and I saw it, so I had to get it." Jens looked from the best to Lucas happily and held the bear to his chest. 

"I love it." He leaned forward and bumped his forehead into Lucas's. 

Lucas's breath hitched and his smile faltered for a split second as Jens looked away, back at the bear. He had a fond smile on his face. 

When Jens looked back up at Lucas, they both started to laugh. 

"You're sitting on your gift, by the way," Jens said as he unzipped his own bag to put the bear in. 

"Wait, seriously?" 

Jens looked at him. "Yeah." He looked serious. 

"But I have a board at home," Lucas said like he was asking him. 

"But you don't have _that_ board at home, do you?" 

"No?" Jens started to laugh again. 

"There you go then. A little piece of me to hang on to." Jens lifted his chin up as he said it, and leaned back. Lucas copied him. 

"Well. I love it." He leaned in and touched their foreheads again, and Jens's smile grew. Jens reached back into his bag and pulled out a joint and a lighter. 

"Yeah?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. 

"Yeah." Lucas took the joint, put it between his lips, and leaned forward slightly for Jens to light it. Lucas looked at Jens's face as he did, Jens focused on lighting the joint, staring at Lucas's mouth. As he pulled the lighter away, he looked up to Lucas's eyes and Lucas smiled around the joint, inhaling. 

He took the joint away from his mouth, exhaling out his mouth and inhaling the smoke through his nose, and held it up, the burning end facing himself. Jens leaned forward as he put the lighter back in his back and took it into his mouth, keeping eye contact with Lucas. Lucas let go of the joint when Jens held it and smiled softly as he exhaled. Jens pulled his phone out of his bag and took the joint from his mouth. 

"More questions." Lucas smiled again. He pulled the skateboard out from under himself and out his bag on top of it, and leaned back, laying on them. 

"Okay."

Jens took another drag as he opened his phone and scrolled. "What public spaces do you feel most comfortable in?" 

Lucas looked up as he thought. 

"Uh...I guess skateparks. I like libraries too. They're quiet." 

Jens nodded and held the phone out to Lucas. 

Lucas skipped through some questions, finding them boring.

"What's the best concert you've ever been to?" Lucas asked, and put the phone on his chest to look at Jens while he thought. 

"Mm." Jens took the joint out of his mouth and held it out to Lucas. "Kid Noize. I went with Robbe earlier this year. That was super fun." Jens took his phone off Lucas's chest and scrolled again. Lucas watched him as he took a drag. He noticed that Jens's eyebrows furrowed as he read. It was cute. 

"If you were reborn, would you rather be born in the past or the future?" He looked over at Lucas. 

"Future. For sure." Lucas inhaled again and then held the joint out for Jens. Jens took, briefly pausing as their finger brushed each other. 

"Why?"

"The past sucks. Everyone was racist and homophobic and shit." Jens brought the joint to his lips. "I mean obviously people still are, but it's not as bad as it was. Nobody goes to prison for being gay. Usually. In some places that is a crime." 

"Yeah." Jens exhaled. They were quiet for a second, looking at each other. 

"The future might be shit too, though. The world might be ending. But we'll see." 

Jens chuckled, and held his phone out for Lucas to take. 

"Would you rather lose the ability to lie or believe everything you're told?" Jens looked away as he thought. He held the blunt out for Lucas and Lucas passed his phone over as he took it.  
"Uhm..." Lucas used one hand to take a drag and then held his other hand over Jens's, where it was propping him up. Lucas traced one of his fingers over the back of his hand, distracting him. 

"Uhm." Jens didn't move his hand. "Shit." He started laughing quietly. 

"Your answer is..." Lucas raised his eyebrows at him, continuing to touch his hand. 

"Lose the ability to lie." 

"Why?"

"You're making me think too much."

"If this amount of thinking is difficult, how much do you think usually?" Lucas teased, gently laying his hand on Jens's. 

"Rude." Jens lifted his hand up and turned it around so their palms were touching. "I don't usually lie anyway unless it's a white lie that doesn't really matter. So, it wouldn't really affect anything, I don't think." 

Lucas took another drag before holding it out for Jens, holding his breath until Jens was inhaling.

He slowly let the smoke out of his mouth, letting it drift around his face. Instead of looking at his phone for another question, Jens watched. He lifted his hand up, taking Lucas's with it, and moved his body closer so he could hold Lucas's hand in his lap.

Jens smoothed his thumbs over Lucas's palm, and Lucas closed his eyes.

 **JENS**  
Jens smiled at Lucas's peaceful face. Lucas was almost smiling, but not quite. Almost like the Mona Lisa. But prettier. 

They gave up on asking questions and instead just sat together in silence. Jens traced the lines on Lucas's palm, and Lucas sighed, turning his head to look at Jens through half-closed eyes. He looked sleepy. 

It became dark. There was no one else at the skate park and no one else around the skate park. Jens could tell that Lucas wasn't asleep, because he kept smiling softly as Jens held his hand, straightening out his fingers, and running his own fingers down them. Jens would hold the joint in front of Lucas's mouth, and say his name. Lucas opened his eyes for a second and then opened his mouth, letting Jens place it between his lips. 

When it got to the point that they couldn't smoke it anymore, Jens let go of Lucas's hand, dropping it onto his leg, where Lucas softly ran his thumb back and forth and reached into his bag. He pulled out the bear, setting it on Lucas's chest, where Lucas caught it with his other hand and laughed when he opened his eyes to see what it was. Jens pulled out a small plastic bag and put the remaining joint in it before closing the bag and putting it back. He then grabbed his phone from where it was sitting on the ground next to him and opened his camera, taking a photo of Lucas, with his eyes closed, and the teddy bear on his chest. The flash alerted Lucas, and he looked over before covering his face with the bear and laughing. 

"No..." 

"Yes..." Jens said back, taking another. "It's cute." 

" _You're_ cute," Lucas shot back, his voice muffled by the bear. Jens laughed and turned the camera to front-facing, and turned himself around, Lucas's hand falling off his lap. Jens laid his head on Lucas's chest and held up the phone. 

"Lucas, look." 

Lucas moved the bear and smiled at the camera, holding the bear up next to Jens's head. Jens snapped a picture and laughed again. 

"Cute." 

Lucas dropped his head on his backpack again and dropped his bear-free hand on Jens's head, putting his fingers in his hair. Jens sighed and closed his eyes for a second. They laid there for a few minutes before Jens broke the silence. 

"Come on, I wanna take you somewhere."

Jens got up, and Lucas groaned, still with his eyes closed. Jens grabbed the bear from next to Lucas and stuffed it in his bag, then stood and turned to look at Lucas. 

"Lu, come on..." 

He grabbed Lucas's hands and pulled him up until Lucas finally sat up and grabbed his backpack. 

When they were both standing with their bags on, skateboards in hand, Lucas said, "Where are we going?" 

"You'll see."


	14. Donderdag 20:07

**LUCAS**  
Skating in the night with Jens gave Lucas a certain feeling that he'd never felt before. It was exhilarating. 

It was dark out, and the sidewalks were lit by street lamps and light emitted from the houses and stores they passed. The only sounds Lucas could hear was the skateboards over the pavement, passing cars, and the occasional house that had music too loud. The whole world felt like a watercolour painting. 

At some point, Jens stopped and Lucas skidded to stop next to him. 

"Where are we?" 

"Come." Jens gave him a look, a _you'll find out_ kind of look. Lucas went with it. 

Jens stopped his backpack and skateboard next to the fence, behind a pile of rubble, and Lucas did the same as Jens pulled himself over the chain-link. 

As Jens dropped to the ground on the other side, Lucas stood up, facing the fence. They stood face to face, and Jens quirked his eyebrows at him, like "come on." Lucas jumped the fence, landing next to Jens, and then stood and wiped his hands on Jens's jacket. Jens laughed quietly and tried to move out of the way. 

Lucas followed Jens as he made his way between apartment buildings until they came across a children's playground. The only light came from the apartment with the lights on. It looked like it hadn't been used in years, with rust on the chains of the swings, and leaves and dirt on the floor of the raised part of it. Jens jumped up onto the playground and sat on the ledge of it, where it cut off at the monkey bars. Lucas hesitated, and then followed. 

"Are we allowed to be here?" he asked quietly. 

"I don't know," Jens said as he shrugged. "I've just been wanting to come here for a while."

Lucas looked around. It was an empty park, surrounded by tall buildings, not a soul around. It was completely silent. Lucas smiled. 

"It's a good place," he almost whispered. He set his hand down next to him, right next to Jens's. He was suddenly nervous about holding Jens's hand, even though in a private place it should have been easier. 

"Yeah," Jens breathed. He lifted his hand and held it out between them. Lucas looked at his hand and then Jens. Jens was looking out in front of them, a small smile on his face. 

Lucas took his hand. 

As soon as Lucas set his hand in Jens's, Jens turned his head to look at Lucas. Lucas hadn't realized how close they were sitting until then. Their hands drifted together until they were resting on Jens's leg, like earlier. Their fingers twisted, gently squeezing. 

Lucas glanced from Jens's eyes to his lips, and then back. His heart was pounding. The air around them felt thick. Jens leaned forward slowly, and then stopped and looked into Lucas's eyes. Lucas gave him a small smile and leaned in himself. 

They both held their breaths as they came closer. Lucas's eyes closed. Lucas could _feel_ Jens's lips just beginning to touch his, and his mouth opened, and –

"Hey! What are you doing here?" a loud voice broke through the air. 

Lucas and Jens jumped back, their hands unlocking, and Jens looked past Lucas at who had spoken. 

"Uhm, isn't this a public park?" Jens asked, trying to act casually. Lucas covered his mouth to silence his giggles. Jens glanced at Lucas and smiled with wide eyes. 

"No. This is a private area. You have to leave." 

Jens nodded and grabbed Lucas's shoulder. 

"Okay, we're leaving right now." 

Jens pushed his shoulder and they both jumped down from the platform and started to walk toward where they came from. 

"Did you really think it was public?" Lucas asked. 

"No, I knew it was private, I just didn't think anyone would be there." Jens started laughing as he spoke. 

" _Are you insane_?" Lucas hissed at him, trying not to laugh. Jens stepped ahead of Lucas and turned halfway to look at him. 

"A little bit?" 

Lucas took a big step forward and wrapped an arm around Jens's neck, jumping and pulling him down. 

"You're such an idiot." 

Jens reached up and grabbed Lucas's hand with his and squeezed. 

"That's why you like me." 

Lucas bumped his forehead against Jens's shoulder. 

"If my stuff isn't there when we get back, I'm going to kill you." 

"Honestly, that's fair."

"Jens..."

"It will be, don't worry, pretty boy."


	15. Vrijdag 11:13

**LUCAS**  
Lucas sat patiently on Milan's sofa, one leg thrown over the armrest and the other straight out in front of him. He tossed his head back, laying it on the cushions, and closed his eyes as he flipped his phone over and over in his hands. He was waiting for Milan and Ralph to finish talking with Zoë so they could finally leave, and go out to the city, so Milan could spend his Christmas money. The plan was to leave at ten, but Zoë woke up and struck up conversation with Ralph, drawing Milan in, and creating an endless cycle of We have to go, but let me tell you about this first. 

His phone buzzed in his hands and he immediately sat up to check it. The message was from Jens. 

_What are you doing today?_

Lucas responded. 

_Going out with Milan and Ralph_

He paused and then added a second message. 

_If we ever actually leave, that is._

He switched his phone off and listened to Milan laugh loudly from the kitchen. His phone buzzed again. 

_:( I wanted to see you_

Lucas felt his face heat up a bit and he pulled the phone close, moving the leg that was over the armrest so that it crossed his other leg. His fingers moved quickly as he typed. 

_:( do you miss me_

The screen showed that Jens read it just a second after it was sent, and Lucas smiled. 

_constantly_

Lucas's smile grew and he shifted his grip on the phone to begin typing again when the phone was pulled out of his hands abruptly. He looked up in horror at Ralph, who wasn't looking at the screen, but at Lucas, with a sarcastic _what have I told you_ face. 

"Always on your phone..." 

"Ralph, give it back," Lucas said quickly as he lunges forward to grab it. Ralph pulled it out of reach. 

"Who are you talking to that's so important?" Ralph held the phone above his head, the screen facing him, and held his other arm out to push Lucas back as he grabbed and reached for it. 

"Jens..." Ralph read. "Oh, Jens from the party!" The phone buzzed again, a short, quick buzz, that meant Jens had sent another message while the screen was open. "When's our next _date_?" 

"Give it _back_ ," Lucas said angrily and pushed Ralph's hand out of the way as he reached one last time, finally grabbing the phone as Ralph stared. 

"Is that's where you've been going? On dates? With Jens?" Ralph's voice became quieter. Lucas suddenly realized that he couldn't hear Milan and Zoë anymore, and glanced at the door to the living room to make sure they weren't there.

They weren't. He could only hope they couldn't hear them, that they had gone to Zoë's room or something. 

"They're not dates," Lucas responded, looking at his phone and turning away as he messaged Jens. 

_I don't know_

"Does Jens know that?" Ralph asked softly. 

Lucas turned around, glaring at Ralph. 

"Yes. It's a _joke_."

Ralph nodded slowly. 

"Okay."

Although, to be honest, Lucas didn't know if they were dates or not. They didn't do date-y things, they just hung out and skated around. And held hands, last time. And took pictures (which, Lucas reminded himself internally, he still wanted to ask Jens for). And almost kissed. Which they hadn't talked about. 

His phone buzzed again. 

_Are you going to that New Years' party?_

Lucas sat on the sofa again, ignoring Ralph's presence in the room. 

_Maybe? I haven't heard anything about one_

Lucas glanced up as Ralph cleared his throat. Ralph looked over at Lucas, looking apprehensive, and then sat on the other sofa and pulled his own phone out. 

_Robbe said Milan was going so I assumed you and Ralph would be going too_

Lucas wanted to ask Ralph about it but didn't feel like talking to Ralph. Or looking at him. 

_Probably then_  
_I'll ask Milan about it when he finally stops talking to Zoë_

Lucas felt Ralph's eyes on him and he shifted in his seat uncomfortably as he waited for Jens to respond. 

_Milan does like to talk_  
_I hope you go I don't feel like being alone at another party_

Before he could answer, Milan entered the room and announced, "We're leaving! A bit behind schedule, but that's okay. We'll get some coffee while we're out and that'll fix us up." 

Lucas shook his head slightly at this and glanced over to see Ralph doing the same. Ralph looked at Lucas and smiled. Apologizing. 

Lucas gave him the same smile back.

 **JENS**  
_I don't feel like being alone at another party_

Jens knew that he never looked alone at a party, surrounded by friends and strangers alike, his nerves flooded with alcohol and smoke. But he always felt alone. That sort of _lonely in a crowd_ type feeling. He'd never told anyone about it. 

Until Lucas. 

The night they met, Jens had asked Lucas if he was a party person and Lucas had said no. Jens said he wasn't either. If he had told anyone else that, like one of the Broerrrs, or one of the girls, they would have scoffed and said, "Yeah, right."

But he felt like he could be open around Lucas. 

Real. 

Even though he had only known Lucas for a few minutes when he told him this, it felt natural. Like it was natural for Lucas to know everything about him. 

He couldn't tell Lucas that he had a massive crush on him, though. 

Though, he supposed, he didn't really have to. 

They had almost kissed. 

Jens still couldn't tell who had made the first move. He supposed he did, by holding his hand out for Lucas to grab. But Lucas had touched his hand earlier. And Jens had started leaving in to kiss him and then stopped. And Lucas leaned in. And then the guy yelled for them to leave. 

_Damn it._

Jens had really wanted to kiss him. He looked kissable.

Maybe that was why Jens had hoped Lucas would be going to that party. Maybe he'd get his New Year kiss from him. 

Jens shook his head slightly at the notion. That would be ridiculous. He didn't even know if Lucas was gay. Or bi. Or pan. He just knew that Lucas said that young Leonardo di Caprio was pretty (a perfect ten) and that he had held his hand. 

And almost kissed him. 

He _couldn't_ be straight. 

But then again, everyone thought Jens was straight. He'd only been with girls. He'd never told anyone that he liked guys too. It was one of those secrets, just like the party thing. He wasn't ashamed of it. He knew there was nothing wrong with him. He wasn't trying to keep it a secret. It had just never come up. And after Moyo said that after Robbe said Sander liked him, that awful thing. Jens just felt awful. 

_Gross._

Jens couldn't stop hearing it. He knew that Moyo didn't think that anymore. Or didn't voice his thoughts, if he did. Moyo hung out with Robbe and Sander, gave them both hugs. Teased them about PDA. He had even cheered for them when they kissed at the holiday party. 

But Jens couldn't stop hearing it. He knew that there were people who still thought it. Maybe his family thought it. He didn't know. He never mentioned it. 

He had accidentally gotten defensive when Moyo said it that day. He didn't mean to, he had spoken without thinking. And then Moyo looked at him and he felt like he had to hide. When Robbe came out and started dating Sander publicly, and everyone knew and supported them, Jens felt like he was hiding. He still did. He felt like he was lying. 

But not to Lucas. 

With Lucas he was honest. And real. 

It was amazing. He felt so alive with Lucas. He'd never felt like that before. 

His phone buzzed next to him. He opened his eyes, which he hadn't realized were closed and reached for it next to him on his bed. 

_sorry I took so long, we finally left and they made me go in to get them coffee_

Jens smiled at his screen, forgetting the storm that was just thundering around in his head a moment ago. 

_what a nuisance_

He waited for a moment as the screen showed that Lucas was typing. 

_agreed_  
_I have to go though :(_

Jens sat up and sighed. If he could, he would spend the whole day laying in bed and talking to Lucas. Or chilling with him at the skate park. 

Or kissing him, that would be nice too. 

_:( I should probably go too anyway_

He looked up and stretched his back. Sighed. Then he looked back at his phone when it buzzed. 

_I am going to the party, by the way_

Jens smiled. 

_hell yeah_

Lucas responded a second later. 

_I miss you_


	16. Zaterdag 24:47

**LUCAS**  
Lucas shut the door behind him gently, so he didn't wake up the others staying on the same floor as him. He and Ralph had just gotten back to their hotel after a night out with Milan, which meant Milan and Ralph were both a little more than tipsy (Lucas had had a drink or two, but was much level headed than the other two). 

Lucas pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked to see if Jens had messaged him. The last message had been from about two hours ago, Lucas telling Jens about how Milan had bought him a bright fruity drink that wasn't actually that bad. Jens had sent back "Save me some". 

Lucas texted Jens. 

_some night_

Lucas tossed his phone onto his bed as he pulled his hoodie over his head and changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. He quickly brushed his teeth and then jumped into bed, pulling the string on the lamp to turn it off, and pulling the blankets up over his head as he turned the brightness down on his phone. 

A message from Jens came up as he went back to his home screen. 

_Still up?_

Lucas adjusted his hands, letting go of the blankets, and responded. 

_Only for you_

Jens read the message and didn't reply, so Lucas dropped the phone next to him, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes in the dark. He thought about how through the night he had fun, laughing at Ralph and Milan in the bars they had visited. He had taken pictures of them under the fluorescent lights on their phones, which they put on their stories on Instagram. Lucas thought about how although he was having fun, it was so often that he had thought about Jens, thinking that he would find something funny, or that he would look pretty in the lights. Lucas suppressed a smile. It had only been a week since they met and Lucas was already so...smitten. 

He felt his phone vibrate next to him and saw light from under his eyelids. He opened his eyes and picked up his phone, seeing that Jens was calling him. Lucas smiled, pressing answer, and holding the phone to his ear, staying under the covers. 

"Hey."

"Hey," Jens said quietly. 

They were quiet for a minute, just the sound of them breathing. Lucas could hear a noise from Jens's end of the line, white noise like a fan or vent. 

"Good day?" Jens asked. 

"Yeah. Long." Lucas spared him the details. "What about you?" 

"Yeah."

"What do you usually talk about this late at night?"

"Secrets," Jens whispered dramatically. 

"So tell me a secret," Lucas whispered back. He heard Jens shift and assumed Jens was laying in bed like him. Lucas closed his eyes, waiting. 

"Uhm..." Jens sighed. "My dad left."

"Oh." Lucas opened his eyes, not being able to see anything in the dark, unsure of what to say. "Sorry."

"I don't really care. He wasn't great." Jens shifted again. 

"Wasn't great, how?" Lucas worried for a second, wondering if his dad had hurt him. Jens seemed to pick up on his worry through the phone. 

"He just...wasn't really here. There's not really much to miss. If that makes sense."

"Yeah, it does." Lucas still didn't really know what to say. 

"Your turn." They were still whispering. 

Lucas sighed and pulled his blanket off from over his head. There was a rush of cold air over his face, and he tucked the blanket under his chin as he put his phone between his face and the bed. 

"My mom's bipolar." 

"Oh." 

Lucas winced, hoping it wasn't weird. 

"Sander is too." Jens paused before continuing, "I probably shouldn't have said that."

"I won't tell anyone," Lucas said, laughing quietly. 

"Okay." Jens was quiet for a moment. "How is your mom doing with it? Is she on medication...or something?" 

"Yeah, she is. And it helps. A lot. It's just..." Lucas took a deep breath. "Exhausting sometimes. And I feel bad because I'm not the one dealing with it. You know?" 

"Yeah." Lucas realized that they were still whispering, and smiled softly. He liked how Jens's whispers sounded. "But you still need to take care of yourself. Take time away from her if you need it." 

"Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Or that–that's one of the reasons I came here. I just wanted a break in general I think."

"Hm." 

They laid in silence for a minute before Lucas asked, "Sander is Robbe's boyfriend, right?"

"Yeah."

"They're cute together."

"Adorable." Lucas laughed quietly. "They're really sweet, though," Jens added, realizing he sounded so sarcastic. "Make each other happy." 

"Hm." Lucas closed his eyes again. 

Jens made Lucas happy. 

Lucas smiled. 

They didn't say anything after that. They both laid in the dark, in the silence, and fell asleep to the sound of each other breathing, until their phones died.


	17. Zondag 10:27

**JENS**  
Jens lifted his shirt up over his mouth as he yawned. It had been a late night (not the latest he'd had, though) and he was sleepy, but he wouldn't go back and change anything. 

He and Lucas had basically fallen asleep together, whispering to each other on the phone until their words became just breaths. It was a good way to end the day. 

Jens yawned again, and this time Robbe, who had been trying to push Moyo down the slope they sat on, noticed and glanced over, letting go of Moyo's arms. Aaron grabbed his sleeves and pulled him back up as Robbe moved his attention to Jens. 

"Coffee?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Jens said, grabbing his backpack. He had almost forgotten to take the teddy bear out of it the last time he had hung out with Lucas. He was glad he had removed it, who knows what the guys would have said. (Jens probably would have told them it was for his sister.) The bear now sat on his dresser, next to some photos and trinkets that he cared about. 

They all got up and made their way to a cafe, Robbe continuing to mess with Moyo, pushing the back of his head and stepping on the back of his shoes as Jens and Aaron laughed at them. Stepping inside the building, Jens pulled his hood down and ruffled his hair out of habit, glancing around the room quickly, not being able to see into the booths against the windows. 

"I'm gonna see if there are booths open," Robbe said as he pulled his beanie down, his fluffy hair breaking free and falling across his forehead. Jens nodded and Robbe stepped back, between Aaron and the couple in front of them.

 **LUCAS**  
"What about you, darling, any resolutions?"

Lucas looked up from his phone, which was off, not that Milan and Ralph could tell. He had zoned out staring at the screen, listening to them discuss their own resolutions, which varied from eating healthy to watching a new show on Netflix. Both of them were facing him, their eyebrows raised, Milan waiting patiently and Ralph with a _What did I say_ face. 

"Uhm..." He glanced out the window, pretending to think. "I don't know."

Milan took in a breath to say something before Ralph interrupted, "Maybe get off your phone, sometimes," sassily. 

Lucas turned his phone toward him, showing him the dark screen, and making a face. 

"You guys are just boring," he said. 

"Hey!" Milan put his hand on his chest, opening his mouth and eyes in an offended gesture. Before Lucas could a resolution up to appease the two, they heard Robbe's voice cut through the coffee smelling air and soft guitar music. 

"Milan!" 

They all looked over to him, carrying his skateboard and holding his beanie in his other hand. He passed his beanie to his skateboard hand and bent down to press his cheek to Milan's quickly as Milan's face broke into a big smile. 

"Hey, what's up?" 

Robbe nodded to Lucas and Ralph as he looked over at them. 

"I'm here with the guys, can we join you?" 

"Yeah, of course!" Milan said, and Ralph nodded. 

Robbe nodded, bouncing on his foot before he turned and made his way back to the front. The three were quiet for a second. 

"Sweet boy," Ralph said. 

"The sweetest." Milan grabbed his coat from next to him and set it down under the table, over his feet. Lucas grabbed his bag and put it on his lap. 

Ralph looked at him with raised eyebrows. 

"So? Resolutions?"

"Oh that's right," Milan turned back toward Lucas excitedly. 

Lucas raised his hands, shrugging defensively. 

"I don't know, maybe like..." he trailed off, looking around, as though a resolution was going to come through the vent in the ceiling. "Do better in school?"

"That works," Ralph said, cutting him slack.

Lucas gave him a fake glare and grabbed his coffee cup, holding it up with both hands to feel the warmth. He saw people coming toward the booth in his peripheral vision and looked over.   
His eyes went automatically to Jens, who was looking at him as well. 

"Hey," Milan said, shifting closer to Ralph to make space. Moyo sat next to him, sliding his cup across the table. Moyo and Aaron both quirked their chins up at Lucas, who did the same back. Jens dropped his backpack next to the booth and slid in next to Lucas. His leg pressed against Lucas's and Lucas could feel his face become warm. Jens bumped his elbow against Lucas's casually. 

"All's good?" Jens asked, looking at him as he moved so Robbe could come in next to him.

"Yeah, hey." Lucas glanced up at Ralph, who was watching as Aaron loudly pulled a chair over to the booth, and then looked back at Jens. 

Jens gave him an understanding look and looked away to watch Aaron like the others. He pulled his leg away slightly and the side of Lucas's leg became cold. 

"Bro," Robbe said as Aaron sat down. "You couldn't have been any quieter?"

Aaron shrugged.

"Do you guys have any resolutions?" Milan asked, looking from Aaron to Robbe. They all said, "Uhh..."

Lucas laughed quietly. Moyo looked at him and said, "He asked you too?" 

"Yeah."

"And?" Jens questioned, looking into his eyes. He had a small smile on his face and his eyes looked soft. 

"I said school."

"That's mine, too," Jens said, looking at Milan. 

"Same," Robbe added. Aaron nodded as he tried to take a sip from his coffee, and Moyo nodded, looking at Milan as well. 

"That doesn't count!" Ralph said, leaning over the table to look at all of them. 

"I think it does," Lucas said, pulling himself up to adjust his sitting to he could look at the rest of them as well. As he settled back down, he turned in his seat, placing his right leg over Jens's left. Jens glanced at him and smiled quickly, looking back at the guys (specifically Aaron, who had burned himself on the coffee, muttering expletives as he held his mouth). 

As they all laughed and shook their heads at him, Lucas lifted his mug and took a sip. Jens moved his hand down under the table, leaning forward and holding himself up on his other arm, and placed his hand on Lucas's knee, squeezing gently twice. Lucas smiled into his cup. 

"You guys are going to the party, right?" Moyo asked, looking at Milan and Ralph and then Lucas, eyebrows raised hopefully. 

"That one at the club?" Milan asked. 

"That's very vague so I'm going to say yes."

"Okay, Moyo," Milan said, lifting his hand up like he was going to lecture him. 

"The one Zoë posted about," Robbe said before he could. 

"Yeah, we are," Milan said, elbowing Moyo before putting his hand back down. Moyo giggled and pushed his shoulder into Milan. 

"Nice, nice, nice," Jens said, brushing his thumb back and forth over Lucas's knee.

JENS   
He brushed his thumb on Lucas's knee and tried not to look over at him. It was hard not to, though, he looked so pretty. He was holding his coffee cup up to his face with both hands, taking occasional sips. He looked like he belonged in a commercial for holiday candles. 

"So what are you guys doing today?" Aaron asked, looking at Milan and Ralph. 

"Uhm, what are we doing..." Milan trailed off and looked at Ralph like he was trying to remember. 

"You're the tour guide, I have no idea," Ralph said. 

"Oh! Taking the train into Brussels. Shopping maybe?" Milan looked Lucas for confirmation and Jens took this as an opportunity to turn his head in Lucas's direction. 

Lucas shrugged his shoulders, looking from Milan to Jens quickly and then back to Milan. 

"Sure," he said like he was asking a question. 

"Actually speaking of which, we should probably go, we don't want to miss the early train." Milan reached under the table, leaning into Moyo for a second so he could find his jacket. Out of the corner of his eye, Jens saw Lucas sigh and lift his mug up to drain it. Jens looked at him without turning his head and smiled as Lucas set his cup back on the table. 

Moyo pulled himself out of the booth, letting Milan and Ralph come out behind him. 

"You can leave your cup, I'll take it up when we're done," he said, squeezing Lucas's knee again. 

"Thanks," Lucas leaned closer to Jens, reaching out under the table and sliding his hand over Jens's shortly, weaving their fingers together for a second before letting go and lifting his leg off of Jens's. 

Robbe quickly stood up (he had been taking a sip of his coffee, not realizing he had to move so Lucas could get out) and Jens followed, letting Lucas come out as he grabbed and lifted his bag.

As Milan and Ralph said their goodbyes to Moyo did Aaron, Lucas held his hand out for Robbe and Robbe slapped his hand against his, nodding and saying, "See you later," not really moving his mouth. 

"You okay?" Jens asked Robbe, who started sliding back into the booth. 

"Yeah, I burnt my tongue." 

Jens scoffed and turned to Lucas. 

"Of course he did," he said, holding his own hand out. Lucas did the same as he did with Robbe, his hand lingering a little longer. Jens gave him the quickest, subtlest wink he could, and Lucas's mouth grew into a smile. 

"I'll see you at the party?" Jens asked. 

"Yeah, for sure." 

Milan leaned across the table to press a quick kiss to Robbe's forehead (Robbe made a disgruntled sound like a middle schooler being kissed by his mom in public), and Jens slid into the booth as they walked away. 

He saw Lucas glance back toward them before they were out of sight, and he smiled.


	18. Maandag 10:18

**JENS**  
Jens shut the door behind him after blowing his sister a quick kiss. He had woken up early to make her breakfast (their mom was at work) and after she had eaten, her friend had arrived, both of them squealing excitedly as they leapt for each other through the door. Jens thought it was precious, how sweet their relationship was. 

He quickly tidied up the kitchen, washing the dishes, hoping he did them well, and cleaning the counters, leaving out some chips he might want later. As he threw himself back into his bed, possibly getting ready to go back to sleep, his phone buzzed. He grabbed it out of the pocket of his hoodie and lifted it up to read that Lucas was calling him. 

A video call. 

Jens's heart stopped beating for a second before he sat up as quickly as was humanly possible, and touched his hair for a second, worried it was too messy or something. He tapped "Answer" when he decided he was taking too long. 

"Hey." Jens looked at Lucas, at his curly hair and blue eyes. He glance darted around his face, at his freckles, the spot above his lip. 

"Hey. Everything good?" Jens asked. He could hear his own heart beating and hoped Lucas couldn't hear it.

"Yeah. Tired." Lucas gave a sleepy smile and laid back on his bed. The pillow his head was on was a clean white and crinkled loudly when Lucas turned onto his side and pulled his blanket up to his chin. 

"Same, same." Jens gazed at him for a second before laying on his belly, tucking his pillow under his chin and holding his phone in front of him, propping it up on the headboard of the bed. 

They looked at each other for a second before Lucas started giggling, looking away from his phone for a second before looking back. Jens suppressed a smile, which was difficult.

"How's your day going?" Lucas asked. He pressed his lips together, cocking his chin toward the ceiling. 

Jens took a deep breath. 

"Good? Made food for my sister. Her friend came and picked her up. You called."

"Hm." 

Jens adjusted the pillow under his chin, tucking his hand between them. His other hand held his head up, his fingers in his hair. He could feel that his gaze was soft, the slightest hint of a smile on his face. 

"We're going shopping today. Milan wants to get a new shirt for the party tomorrow," Lucas said, his voice soft, as the phone was close to his face. 

"In true Milan fashion."

"Fashion." Lucas raised his eyebrows quickly, laughter in his eyes. 

Jens snorted, shaking his head. 

"Nerd."

"Rude."

Jens heard Lucas's phone buzz through the call and watched Lucas's eyes flick above his head on the screen, reading.

 **LUCAS**  
_May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so as you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit._

Lucas read the notification over again, suddenly overcome with sadness. He stared at it, his eyes lingering above Jens's head, Jens, who stared at him, noticing the change in his expression.

"Lucas, you okay?" 

Lucas didn't hear him. He watched at the notification receded, and frowned, his eyebrows drawing together. His mother was always sending him messages like these, Bible verses and reminders that God loved him. It never made him feel any better. Instead, they made him worry.  
He worried constantly about how she would react if he told her. _I'm gay. I like boys. I'm not what you want me to be._ It was always rushing in his head, a whirlwind of shame and fear. He didn't know how to tell her that he didn't God did love him. 

"Lu?"

Lucas's eyes snapped back to Jens. He saw that Jens had sat back up, holding the phone in front of him, his face serious. Jens's eyes were focused, his eyebrows pulled together. Lucas's face softened as he looked at him.

"Yeah, sorry," he said softly. 

"You okay? What happened?" Jens sounded actually worried, and Lucas smiled gently. 

"It's just my–my mom texted me," Lucas stuttered as he rolled over onto his stomach, in the same position Jens was before. 

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she just..." Lucas sighed, propping his phone up on one of the pillows and dropped his head on his arms crossed in front of him. 

"Lu," Jens whispered. 

Lucas sighed again and lifted his head to look up at him. He smiled softly and Jens pushed his chin forward, bobbing his head in circles, saying _I'm waiting_.

"She sends me bible verses. It's kinda..."

His voice faded out and he gave Jens a tight-lipped smile. 

"Yeah."

Lucas was quiet for a second before saying, "Let's talk about something else."

"Uhm..." Jens laid on his back, holding his phone above his head, his arms straight out in front of him. 

"Don't drop me on your face," Lucas said. Jens gave him a quick smile. 

"Orange or yellow?" Jens asked. 

"Yellow," Lucas answered without a thought. Jens raised his eyebrows. 

"Not going to think about it?"

"No, yellow is superior. It's sunshine." 

Jens smiled fondly at him, before saying, "Cute."

Lucas stuck his tongue out at him. 

"Cute," Jens said again, shifted his grip on his phone, smiling. Lucas heard a click. 

"Did you just take a screenshot?" Lucas asked, laughing. 

"I couldn't not, you're adorable."

Lucas's face warmed up, and he rolled his eyes.

Jens smiled again. 

"There it is again."

Lucas dropped his head onto his arms and heard another click.


	19. Dinsdag 23:37

**JENS**  
Jens sat on the small sofa between Robbe and Aaron, his leg crossed over the other. He was tempted to close his eyes and put his head back, not to take a nap, but just because he could, as the flashing lights blinded him. He hoped there was no one with epilepsy in the club. 

He heard Aaron speaking next to him, and had to lean over to be able to understand him, Aaron lifting his hand up and pressing his fingers to his neck, holding him there as he raised his voice. 

"Where did Sander and Moyo go?" Jens pulled back and looked at him, shaking his head. They had literally just left, telling Aaron they'd be back, but then again, Aaron had been smoking since they'd arrived a few hours ago, so it was no wonder he was so spacey. Jens leaned in again, loudly saying, "Drinks."

As Aaron nodded, Jens turned to face forward and saw Sander and Moyo coming toward them, holding several bottles, followed by Milan, Ralph, and Lucas. Milan's shirt was bright and colourful, parts of it glowing under the lights of the club. His arms were around Sander and Moyo, and his face lit up upon seeing Robbe. 

He leapt forward between the boys, and threw himself into Robbe's lap, tossing his hand holding his phone aside. Jens laughed before looking toward Lucas, who was watching Milan and Robbe as Robbe tried to push him off, and Milan wrapped his arms around his neck, laughing loudly. 

Sander handed Jens and Aaron drinks, laughing at Milan. Jens took the bottle, keeping his eyes on Lucas, a smile growing on his face, before Ralph caught his eye and looked from him to Lucas, asking a silent question, which Jens ignored. He gave Ralph a look that said _What?_ and looked away. 

Milan finally got up, not before peppering Robbe's cheek in kisses, and Sander took his place on top of Robbe as everyone watched, and Robbe moaned, "Noooo..." 

Jens heard Lucas laugh and couldn't help but turn to look at him again, and he saw that Lucas was looking at him. Jens glanced at Ralph to make sure he wasn't looking (he wasn't) and when his eyes were back on Lucas, Lucas winked.


	20. Dinsdag 23:58

**LUCAS**  
Lucas gripped his bottle tightly as people bumped into him as they passed, girls in short skirts bright makeup that glowed under the lights, and boys in button-up shirts, with bright makeup smeared across their lips and necks. The music was loud, too loud, and he could hardly hear his own thoughts. But that was okay with him. 

He heard his name, and turned toward it, seeing Milan and Ralph (the two seemed inseparable) coming toward him, shoving through groups of people. Ralph leaned in closely, yelling in his ear. 

"It's almost time! We have to go!"

Milan grabbed his arm and pulled him up, dragging him back in the direction they had come. Lucas held on to his drink like his life depended on it, keeping his eyes on the ground as he was jostled and shoved, his senses becoming overwhelming. He took a deep breath, listening to his heartbeat until they stopped in front of the sofa where Jens and Moyo sat. Sander and Robbe were dancing nearby, close to Amber (Lucas hadn't seen her arrive) and Aaron. 

Lucas felt his pulse slow as he looked into Jens's eyes. Jens smiled at him, a small sly smile, a secret. 

Lucas looked away, to the wall where the countdown was projected on the wall. There was less than a minute left. He watched people dancing, smiling at Robbe and Sander with their arms around each other, their lips pressed together even though it wasn't the New Year yet, and turned back to look at Milan and Ralph as the countdown started. 

The sounds of people counting were louder than the music, although it might have been turned down by the DJ. Lucas didn't count along, but listened and watched as the other excitedly got to one, at which point, "Happy New Year," seemed like the only sound in the world.

Robbe and Sander had separated to count and kissed each other again, and Amber and Aaron were locked together, as the music turned back up and the lights flashed intensely. Lucas turned and looked at Jens, who was watching other people dance and jump together, and Jens caught his eye. 

Lucas was grateful for the colourful lighting and the darkness, as he could feel his face bloom red when Jens blew him a kiss. Lucas lifted his bottle up to take a sip as he laughed, Jens giving him a little wink before turning away as Moyo said something to him. 

Lucas's smile wouldn't go away.


	21. Woensdag 00:13

**LUCAS**  
Lucas sat on the sofa where Jens sat earlier, fiddling with his empty beer bottle as the bass of the loud music ran through his veins. He glanced around, looking up at Ralph and Milan dancing, laughing, and then past them to subconsciously look for Jens. 

He didn't know what he had expected from tonight, he certainly wasn't expected a New Years kiss or anything, but he had _hoped_ to see Jens more. He hadn't hung out with Jens in a while, not just the two of them. 

Lucas zoned out, staring at the ground in front of him, wondering if Jens liked hanging out with him as much as he did. The bottle slipped from his restless hand onto the ground, and he startled back, grabbing the luckily unbroken bottle and looking up, sighing, and realizing that Jens was coming toward him. 

Jens flopped next to him, his leg pressed against Lucas's, and put his arm around Lucas's shoulder casually. 

"You good?" Jens asked loudly, inclining his head towards Lucas's. Lucas felt his cheek heat up again as he leaned in at the same time. 

"Yeah. Kind of bored."

Jens made a face, scrunching his nose up and furrowing his brow at him. He glanced up, looking around. Lucas followed his eyes, noticing that all their friends had blended into the sea of people dancing. He couldn't see any of them. He sighed as he felt Jens lifted his hand and put it on his head, twisting his fingers into Lucas's hair. 

He looked over at Jens, smiling, and Jens looked back at him. 

"You wanna get out of here?" he asked, leaning in again. Lucas watched his mouth as he spoke. 

"Yeah."

Jens quirked his eyebrows at him, jumping up from the sofa, grabbing Lucas's wrist and pulling him up. Lucas dropped his bottle on the sofa and let him pull him away, through the crowd, and toward the door, excitement growing in his chest and a smile growing on his face. Jens's fingers stayed wrapped around his wrist as they exited the door, squeezing past people entering the door. 

"How did you guys get here?" Jens asked, turning to look Lucas. Lucas looked at him, his messy hair and bright eyes. 

"Walked."

Jens nodded quickly and pulled him toward a bike rack, letting go of his wrist (the skin went cold), and pulling a key out of his back pocket. He unlocked one of the bikes, pulling it up and out of the rack, and then lifted his leg over and sat in the seat. He looked at Lucas expectantly. 

"What?"

Jens nodded to the back of the bike, and Lucas grabbed his shoulders, standing on the back, hoping he didn't fall off. Jens pushed and began pedaling down the empty road.

Lucas felt the same way he felt as he skated down the street with Jens that night they went to the park. Like the wind was _in_ him, like he was _alive_. He felt like he could do anything. He kept one hand on Jens's shoulder, gripping his jacket, and lifted the other slowly, making sure he didn't lose balance, and placed it in Jens's hair, the way Jens did in the club. Lucas sighed, the crisp air in his throat, and closed his eyes, feeling his hair blow around him, feeling his cheeks and nose become pink with the cold. 

He smiled. 

He felt like they rode through the whole city (and maybe they had) before Jens finally began to slow down, and he opened his eyes and moved his hand back to Jens's shoulder, keeping himself steady. 

When Jens pulled the bike to a complete stop at the skate park, Lucas got off, looking at Jens as he turned. They both froze, staring at each other like they had hit a sudden realization at the same time, before Lucas smiled slowly and turned away, beginning to walk up to where they always sat together.

 **JENS**  
Jens was going to kiss him. Tonight. 

He watched as Lucas walked away, and pulled himself off his bike, smiling to himself, excited, and scared and nervous, all wound up in one beautiful emotion. 

After locking his bike quickly, he jogged up to where Lucas was sitting. He stopped before joining him, looking at Lucas. He had his head tilted back, looking at the sky, his hands in his lap, his legs swinging gently. Jens smiled, and then pushed the smile away as he sat next to him. As he lowered himself to Lucas's right, he heard Lucas sigh. 

"Yeah?" he asked quietly, the only sound, it seemed, for miles. 

"Yeah." Lucas's voice was soft, like he was saying it to the wind.

Jens suddenly was nervous, twisting his fingers in his lap before reaching over and taking Lucas's hand. Lucas looked at him, his eyelids low, a faint smile on his face, and then looked back at the sky. Jens followed, looking up at the stars, his eyes finding the brightest one and staying there. 

"I've never done this before," Jens whispered as he rubbed his thumb over the back of Lucas's hand. 

"Star-gazed with a pretty boy?" Lucas asked jokingly, lowering his head and looking back at him. 

Jens looked into his eyes, the silence surrounding him. The air felt so thick, it was almost like it wasn't there at all. 

"That too." 

Jens looked at Lucas's mouth quickly before looking back into his eyes. He realized he was a lot closer than he had thought. Lucas smiled with his eyes, raising his brows just the slightest bit, expectantly. 

"Can I kiss you?" Jens whispered, his voice so quiet it was almost just a breath passing with the wind between them. 

"Yes, please," Lucas breathed. 

So he did.

**LUCAS**   
_Finally._

Jens pressed his lips to Lucas's, the kiss lasting only a second, and when Lucas looked at Jens, his eyes were almost closed and dazed. 

Lucas's hand came out of Jens's, and he pressed it to Jens's face as he turned toward him. He smoothed his thumb over Jens's cheekbone, exhaling a deep breath he hadn't realized he was holding, and lifted his leg up, putting it between them, bent at the knee as the other hung over the ledge. 

Jens leaned closer, their lips coming together again, a second longer than the first, before they both pulled away and Jens closed his eyes completely. Jens placed his hand on Lucas's wrist, holding his hand against his face. His mouth hung open slightly, small breaths escaping his mouth in faint white puffs in the cold air. 

Lucas gazed at him, thinking he was prettier than all the stars in the sky, and kissed him harder, pulling him closer. He took in a gasp as Jens placed his hand on Lucas's leg, sliding it up his thigh to hold his waist, gripping his jacket tightly. 

Jens pulled away for a second, taking in a breath, licking his lips, and tilting his head, before leaning back in again, Lucas's mouth opening under his. 

Lucas had never felt like this when he kissed anyone else. The girls had made him uncomfortable, in ways he didn't feel even when he felt Jens's tongue on his lower lip, even when he opened his mouth for his tongue to press to Jens's, as he slid his hand to the back of Jens's neck, up into his hair. 

Lucas had never felt like this even when he had kissed other boys, never felt so close to someone, so special. He'd never felt connected to someone like this like everything was okay, and everything would be okay. Like there was nothing to worry about. 

He didn't worry about anything. 

He didn't worry about anything when Jens bobbed his chin up, when Jens moved his hand to touch him, gently moving his fingers over the skin on his neck, or when Jens pulled away for a split second before pressing into him again, his mouth against Lucas's, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. 

He didn't worry when he accidentally pulled Jens's hair, and Jens made a noise in the back of his throat, a noise that sounded like nothing he'd ever heard before, a beautiful noise. 

He didn't worry when he pulled Jens's hair again, on purpose, because he wanted to hear the noise again (it didn't work). Or when Jens's soft hands moved over his neck, so lightly it felt like leaves were brushing against his skin. 

Lucas had never felt like this before. 

Starstruck.

**JENS**   
_Finally._

Jens almost burst when he kissed Lucas. It was a quick kiss, but Jens would have rather had just that than an infinite number of kisses from any girls he knew. He knew it was cheesy, cliché, but he almost expected to see real, actual sparks between them. 

He felt like his head was in space while the rest of his stayed there, sitting across from a pretty boy in a quiet skate park on New Years, a pretty boy who had just kissed him. Kissed him. Jens had never wanted to kiss a boy before Lucas. He had looked at boys and thought they were hot, but he'd never liked one the way he liked Lucas. He'd never liked anyone the way he liked Lucas.

Lucas made him feel things he never thought he'd feel. 

He made his thoughts quiet. Made him feel peaceful inside. It was beautiful. 

Jens pulled Lucas closer by his waist, the fabric of Lucas's jacket tight in Jens's hand, and tightened his grip on his neck, letting go shortly after, moving his hand down his chest, grabbing the strings of his hoodie, sliding his tongue across Lucas's open mouth. Lucas pulled away, kissed him again, and then pulled back further, holding onto the back of Jens's neck. Jens followed him without meaning to and then leaned back slightly to look at his face. 

His cheeks were flushed pink, as Jens suspected his own were, and his eyes were lidded, his mouth hanging open slightly, his lips shining under the streetlights. Jens heard voices, voices he didn't recognize, and looked behind himself, his hand on Lucas's chest shifting. Lucas past him too, to the boys who had arrived at the park, who hadn't seen them yet. 

Without thinking, Jens and Lucas let go of each other, moving away slightly, their legs still touching. As the boys' voices grew louder and the sound of the music being played from a speaker reached their ears, they looked at each other, and unspoken question hanging between them. 

_Do you want to leave?_

Jens glanced at Lucas's lips once more before tilting his head to the side, in the direction they had come from. _Let's get out of here._ Lucas smiled and followed him as they stood and headed toward Jens's bike.


	22. Woensday 00:27

**JENS**  
Jens had purposefully taken the long way to the park from the party, so he could spend more time with Lucas, and that feeling Lucas gave him. That zipping, electric feeling, like he could ride off into the night, into space, with nothing holding him back. 

He had taken the long way to the park, but the quickest way he knew back to the apartment building. Lucas didn't need to know that. 

Jens slowed the bike to a stop and after he and Lucas got off, he chained the bike up and led Lucas through the sliding doors, passing the elevator and heading up the stairs. 

"You don't take the elevator?" he heard Lucas say behind him. 

"Unless I'm carrying a lot of stuff."

"Hm."

Jens went to unlock his door, Lucas coming out of the stairwell, watching him. 

"Your mom's not home?"

Jens shook his head absentmindedly, wiggling the key around in the lock like he always had to, and said, "No, she's with some friends."

"Your sister?"

"Same."

The door finally unlocked and Jens swung it open, moving to the side and making a dramatic gesture for Lucas to enter before him. Lucas curtseyed, squeezing past Jens into the apartment, looking around. Jens smiled to himself, going in after him. 

"You wanna smoke?" Jens asked, shutting the door behind him. Lucas looked away from the photos he was looking at in the wall, away from baby Jens, and said, "Of course." Jens looked from the photo of himself on the wall to Lucas, grimacing, embarrassed, before turning to head down the hall. 

"Cutie," he heard Lucas say behind him, and he turned back to make a face at him. 

Jens pushed his door open, quickly kicking some clothes on the floor out of the way before Lucas entered, and then walked over to his desk, sliding open the drawer and pulling out weed, a grinder, and some rolling papers.

Lucas watched him, and then did a turn, looking around his room, at all the posters Jens never looked at anymore, at the small pile of clothes next to his closet. He saw the little bear he had given Jens for Christmas on top of his dresser, and couldn't help but smile at how carefully the bear was placed, sitting against a picture frame (a picture of Jens and a girl that Lucas assumed was his sister). 

"Lots of women in this room," Lucas said, looking at a poster of a woman he recognized from Pulp Fiction. He looked at Jens, who had sat at his desk, pulling out a rolling paper and filling it with weed. Jens glanced up at him and then over at the poster. 

"Yeah, I should get a guy in here somewhere, right?" he asked as he twisted the paper back and forth, weed falling out of the paper onto his desk. 

"Hm."

Jens looked up at Lucas, who sat on his bed, with a snarky smile. 

"Young Leonardo di Caprio, maybe?"

Lucas looked at him, saying "Definitely," and then watched as Jens licked the edge of the paper. Jens glanced at him as he did it, the corners of his mouth moving up into a small smile. Lucas looked away. 

Jens got up, putting the filter end of the joint in his mouth, holding a yellow lighter, and moved toward his bed. 

"Maybe I should just take all these down and put up a poster of you."

"What picture?"  
"That one on your Instagram, with your eyes closed. Smiling." Jens lifted his hands and lit the joint, looking down at it and then back up, inhaling. Lucas closed his eyes and gave him a bright smile, imitating the post he was referring to. 

"That's the one." Jens smiled, letting the smoke waft out of his mouth in a thick cloud.   
Lucas got up on his knees, leaning across the bed to kiss Jens through the smoke, hearing Jens gasp lightly. Jens pressed the palm of his free hand to Lucas's face, tilting his head back, and opened his mouth under Lucas's. 

Lucas smiled against his lips, his eyes closed, and his hands against Jens's neck. He pulled away slowly, sliding his hands off his neck, and lowering himself so he was sitting across from Jens, and looks at Jens's face, which was soft, almost spacey. 

Jens exhaled the rest of the smoke through a lazy smile, his eyes half-closed, and raised the joint back up to his mouth. He left it in his mouth for a second and turned to lay on his back adjusting a pillow so it was under his head. Lucas copied him, laying so he was facing him, looking at his profile as Jens blew smoke to the ceiling.

"Did you have fun at the party?" he asked. 

Jens turned his head and passed the joint to him. 

"It was alright." 

He shifted his whole body, tucking his hands under his chin as Lucas inhaled, his eyes on Lucas's mouth, watching his lips. Lucas smiled around the joint, noticing. 

"Kinda loud," Jens added, watching as Lucas pushed himself up slightly, holding his hand at an angle so the burning end of the joint didn't touch the bed, and moved so he was leaning over Jens.

Jens opened his mouth instinctively, breathing in as Lucas exhaled the smoke over him slowly. They kissed again, Jens placing his hands on Lucas's face, pulling him closer and blowing the smoke out his nose. Lucas pulled back slightly, blew out the rest of the smoke, and then leaned back in, kissing him harder than before, placing a hand on Jens's neck, over his throat. Both their heads tilted and Lucas pulled Jens's bottom lip into his mouth, Jens letting out a short, quiet moan. Lucas kissed him again and then pulled back, placing the blunt in Jens's mouth, noticing his cheeks were pink. He laid back down next to him, looking up at the ceiling.   
Jens huffed and took a drag. 

"I don't like you," he said teasingly, narrowing his eyes at Lucas as Lucas turned his head. Lucas smiled and looked back at the ceiling. 

"I know."

Jens watched him as he took another drag, his eyes darting from the slope of his nose to the spots on his cheek. 

"You're pretty." 

Lucas laughed quietly and turned his whole body to look at him. 

"You've said."

"Like... _really_ pretty." Jens held the joint out for Lucas and Lucas took it, looking into Jens's eyes and smiling softly. 

"No, you."

Jens watched Lucas inhale, and then took the joint from Lucas's lips before he blew the smoke out, pressing his lips to Lucas's, reaching behind him and dropping the joint in the small plate (not an ashtray, he didn't want his sister to see an ashtray in his room) on his bedside table. Lucas wrapped his arms around Jens's neck, pulling him closer, and exhaled the smoke into Jens's mouth. 

After dropping the joint, Jens placed his hand on Lucas's waist, gripping the fabric of his sweatshirt, and pressed his body against Lucas's. Jens pulled back for a second, breathing out away from Lucas's face, and Lucas pushed himself against Jens, rolling on top of him, kissing him harder. 

Jens felt Lucas slide his hands from his neck to his hair, tugging gently as he pulled back to tilt the angle of his head, and then pressed another kiss to Jens's mouth. Jens smiled into the kiss, sliding his hands down to hold Lucas's legs, and he could feel Lucas smile back. Lucas pulled his mouth away, pressing his forehead to Jens's, and stayed there with his eyes closed.   
Jens rubbed his hands up Lucas's thighs, smoothing the soft fabric of his sweatpants, and sighed. 

"Good?" Lucas asked quietly. 

"Yeah."

Jens kissed him again softly and Lucas rolled off him, lying across from him, keeping his hands against his face. He moved his thumb back and forth over Jens's cheekbone and Jens closed his eyes.

 **LUCAS**  
Jens closed his eyes and Lucas wondered if he would fall asleep like that, his hands on Lucas's hips, Lucas's fingers against the softness of his face. 

Lucas leaned forward, kissing Jens one more time, and Jens kissed back sleepily, moving his head forward. Lucas put his forehead against Jens's, closing his own eyes and brushed his thumb down Jens's cheek and jaw, slipping across the skin to gently brush against his lips. Jens smiled against his finger. 

It seemed like they never stopped smiling around each other. Their breathing synced as they both fell asleep, the smoking blunt forgotten beside them.


	23. Woensdag 11:17

**JENS**  
When Jens woke up, Lucas was gone. 

Jens shifted, rolling up the ceiling and sighing, and then reached to his bedside table, pulling the pillow next to him to his chest (it smelled like Lucas), and grabbed his phone. The only notifications were from the Broerrrs. 

Robbe: _Where did you go?_  
Moyo: _Broooo_   
Aaron: _Everything okay?_  
Moyo: _You good?_  
Robbe: _Jensssssssss_

Jens laughed quietly at their drunken messages, appreciating that they had checked on him, and then paused before he messaged them back. He didn't want to say anything about Lucas, because he didn't know if he was out, or okay with people knowing. 

_I'm fine, it just got too loud_   
_Glad you guys had fun :)_

Jens dropped the phone next to him and closed his eyes, thinking back to the night before.   
Lucas had raised his eyebrows to Jens before Jens asked if he could kiss him. Like he was waiting for him. Like he wanted it too. 

Jens smiled into the pillow. 

And then sat up, realizing Lucas hadn't messaged him when he left. He opened the messages between the two of them, the last messages from before the party. 

Jens stretched his back, groaning quietly, and stood to get dressed, deciding that he would text Lucas later.

LUCAS  
The truth was that Lucas had panicked. 

Not just "panicked," but _panicked_. It was about three in the morning when he woke up and looked up at Jens. Jens's back was to him, and he had one hand hooked around his own waist like he was cold. 

Lucas had looked at him for a second before everything went bad. His thoughts closed in around him like walls, his heartbeat got too loud, his breathing got too loud, he couldn't stop moving his hands and feet, bouncing them up and down, shaking. He had stood, not wanting to make movement on the mattress so much that he woke Jens up, and didn't even think before he was putting his shoes on and walking to the front door of Jens's apartment. 

He had found himself on the street outside, breathing quickly, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, his hands shaking violently, rubbing his face, crouching down on the pavement, holding his head in his hands, trying his hardest to ground himself as he became lightheaded, breathing roughly. But it didn't work very well. 

Lucas sat up in bed now, huffing and rubbing his face harshly. He was exhausted. He'd hardly slept, even after finally getting to his hotel room at about five. He hadn't told Ralph where he'd been, or what had happened, and he hadn't wanted to message Jens.

He didn't want to put this on him. It was too much. And it wasn't Jens's problem. 

If he stayed with Jens, it was bound to happen around him. These moments happened every once in a while, these moments where everything was too much and not enough all at the same time. Where his thoughts were so loud they were like white noise in the back of his mind, screaming and whispering about what he should and shouldn't do. Where he couldn't keep still, he had to move and shake and pace. Where he couldn't be around people. 

But hated to be by himself. 

Nobody ever seemed to know what to do when he was like this, they just seemed to know to give him space. (But even then, there were people who wanted to hold him and hug him. Those times never ended well.) He hadn't had a moment like this around people in a while, not since he was a kid, and when he was a kid, people always said the same thing. 

"Take deep breaths."

"Count to ten."

"Calm down."

"It's okay."

It was never okay.

And it wasn't okay right now.


	24. Texts - Jens and Lucas

J: Hey I missed you this morning

Lucas??

Everything okay?

Are you alright?


	25. Donderdag 16:32

**JENS**  
Jens lay on his stomach, his chin on his arms crossed in front of him, his eyes on his phone. It hadn't buzzed in a while, and when it did, Jens's arms snapped open to grab it, checking the notifications. 

None of them were from Lucas. 

He hadn't heard from Lucas since the night they'd kissed, and Jens was reaching the point where he began to worry that he'd crossed a line somewhere. 

He didn't know which line he'd crossed. (His mind rushed thinking about it, wondering. Was it when he'd grabbed his legs? When he'd licked into his mouth? When he'd accidentally moaned? Did he scare Lucas?) He felt awful about it, even though he didn't know. 

He had skipped hanging out with the guys. He was so worried, and sad, and lonely, he didn't want to be around people, especially people who would ask questions when they noticed how he was. He felt bad about leaving them hanging (but also didn't think they would miss him that much). But he felt worse waiting for Lucas to talk to him.

 **LUCAS**  
Lucas laughed at Milan over the table of the restaurant they were in. Ralph covered his face with his hands, giggling, as Milan bumped his arm into him, teasing. 

As their laughter faded though, as they ate their food in between exchanges of words, he felt sad. He'd been leaving Jens on read for the past day. 

Since they had kissed. 

Lucas couldn't leave that alone in his head. Jens had kissed him. Lucas had kissed back, had given _permission_ for him to kiss him. And Jens was happy and all, Lucas could tell from the way he'd stared at Lucas's mouth as they spoke in his room, the way he smiled so softly at Lucas, the way he'd sighed, and held onto him. 

Lucas stirred his fork around his plate, staring blankly at it. He didn't know how to explain anything to Jens. Anything about his mom, or his anxiety, or his fears. All he could think do was leave him alone and hope that both their feelings faded. 

It didn't feel like that would be happening anytime soon. Jens has texted him things like "Are you okay?" and "What's going on?" and Lucas felt awful. He wished he hadn't kissed Jens that night, but at the same time, he was glad he did. 

It was so good, that night. He was so happy. Everything about Jens, everything Jens had done, made him happy. At one point Jens had moaned into a kiss, and at another, he had slid his hands up Lucas's legs. It would be nice to hear that again, to feel the vibrations of his throat against Lucas's hand, to feel Jens's hands on him, gently squeezing his hips and running his fingers gently across his skin. 

But that couldn't happen anymore. 

Jens didn't deserve to have to deal with Lucas.

Lucas sighed, still staring at his plate, absentmindedly mixing his food. 

"Lucas, you good?" Ralph asked, pausing his conversation with Milan, which Lucas had completely missed. 

Lucas looked up at them, raising his eyebrows and giving a small, tight-lipped smile. 

"Yeah. Tired."


	26. Vrijdag 22:17

**LUCAS**  
Lucas sat on his hotel bed against the headboard, the blanket pulled up around his legs, and scrolled through the messages Jens had sent him. There weren't any from that day, and the ones from the day before, and the day before that, hurt Lucas's heart. But he couldn't look away.

_Everything okay?_   
_Are you alright?_   
_Lucas??_

Lucas stared at his screen, biting his lip. He shut his phone off and tossed it next to himself, covering his face as he took a deep, shaky breath. He rubbed his cheeks, feeling his eyes burn with unshed tears. The phone buzzed next to him and he turned to look at it, laying face down, and dropped his hands in his lap. He took another deep breath before reaching over and flipping it over, reading the notification. 

_If I messed it up, I'm sorry_

"Fuck," Lucas said under his breath, flipping the phone back over and bending over his legs, his face in his hands. His lips pressed together, his nostrils flared, and his eyes squeezed shut, tears finally falling. 

He had held himself together all day, laughing and smiling, holding himself so he didn't look as _exhausted_ as he felt. He wanted to talk about it. About how scared he was, how lonely he was.

But the only person he wanted to talk about it to was Jens. And he couldn't do that. 

His body ached, wishing he could be held by him. Wishing he could feel Jens's hands again. 

A sob broke out of Lucas, and he wrapped his arms around himself, covering his mouth with his elbows. He fell forward, his forehead hitting the mattress. Sobs racked his body as he gasped against his arms, his fingers tightening, grasping the fabric of his sweatshirt like he was trying to rip the feeling out of himself. 

This happened too, sometimes. But when it happened there wasn't a reason. He would cry, alone in the darkness of his room, feeling like there was absolutely nothing for him, and feeling the weight of everything on top of him, pushing the breath out of his chest, the tears out of his eyes. 

He didn't want Jens to deal with that either. 

By the time the tears slowed down to a gentle trickling, his face was sore and his head ached. His phone didn't buzz while he cried, and he wondered if that apology text would be the last one Jens sent him. The last one Jens _ever_ sent him. 

The idea of not hearing from Jens hurt. 

It was ridiculous, he thought, the fact that he had met Jens only two weeks ago, and Jens had done _this_ to him. Made him feel okay, and safe, and complete. 

Lucas sniffed, opening his eyes, and shifted to pull the blanket over himself. He tucked it under his chin, lifting his head and putting his arm under it, and sighed. He looked at his phone once more, seeing the shine of the case in the dark from the street lamps shining into the room from the gaps in the curtains, and then closed his eyes.


	27. Zaterdag 13:52

**JENS**  
Jens sat on the sofa in his living room, his eyes staring blankly at an episode of The Adventures of Tintin as his sister sat on the floor. Lotte was colouring one of the books he'd giver her for Christmas. 

Jens was curled up against the armrest of the sofa, his knees pulled up to his chest, with his hood over his head. A dark blanket was covering his body, and he shifted, pulling it up to his chin, shutting his eyes briefly. 

He heard the front door open and opened his eyes to watch his mom enter, dropping two canvas bags on the counter of the kitchen, and then sit next to him on the sofa, letting out a deep breath and leaving her red coat on. She looked over at him, and made a face, crinkling her nose and sticking out her tongue. He laughed quietly, facing Tintin again. 

He felt the sofa move as she scooted closer to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders and nuzzling her face into his neck. He dropped his head onto hers, sighing, and shut his eyes again. 

She moved back slightly, keeping her arm around him and whispered, "Okay?" softly. 

He nodded, and looked forward, his eyes sad. 

"What's wrong, hm?" She shook him lightly, pressing her forehead to his cheek. 

Jens shook his head and shrugged, not able to tell her, to explain everything. 

_I've fallen in love with the most beautiful boy in all the universes, and I think he hates me, and I think it's my fault._

He let go of the blanket and stuck his hand out from under it, asking silently for hers. She slid her hand into his, sighing, and laid her head on his shoulder again. He turned his head, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. 

From the floor, Lotte looked up at them, looking happier than either of them felt. She pushed herself up from the floor and climbed on top of Jens, forcing his legs down, and wrapped her arms around Jens's neck and he uncovered her free arm and wrapped it around her, squishing her cheek against his. He couldn't help but smile.


	28. Zondag 14:48

**JENS**  
Jens sat next to Robbe on the ledge that overlooked the canal. He had a leg in front of him hanging over the ground, kicking the wall, and the other was bent in front of him, his skateboard propped up on it. His hood was pulled up over his head and he had to turn his head to look at Moyo as he spoke. 

"I still can't believe Sander did that." Moyo nodded to the mural of Robbe across the bay, a smile on his face. This smile was different than the smile he gave when they first saw it. This one was happier, and as looked down at Robbe, it grew into a big grin. 

Jens turned and looked at the mural too. The colours were just as intense as they were the first time they saw it, and when he glanced at Robbe, Robbe had a small, kind of wistful smile on his face. 

"Yeah," Robbe said, looking up at Moyo, squinting in the sunlight. They both giggled. Jens zoned out, following the cracks in the pavement with his eyes, bouncing his leg so his heel hit the wall he sat on. He thought about Lucas. 

He hadn't sent him another text since he apologized for whatever he did to mess them up. He figured Lucas just didn't want to talk to him. 

Jens beat himself up about it, overthinking the whole night, wondering what exactly he did wrong. But no amount of thinking told him what it was, and no amount of thinking would make Lucas text him. 

He had taken the bear Lucas gave him and stuffed it deep into his closet so he didn't have to look at it. It made him think of Lucas. But it not being there didn't make him think of him any less. 

Jens looked up when he heard Moyo say, "Oh, _God_." Moyo was following two girls walking past with his eyes and leaned back slightly, his eyebrows going up. 

"Guys..." He looked at them with wide eyes. "The blonde." He looked back over at the girls, a dreamy look on his face, and Jens rolled his eyes. 

"Jens, come with me?" Moyo asked, looking at Jens hopefully. He looked like a child asking his mother for money to get candy. 

"No." 

"What? Why not?" All three looked over at Jens, confused. 

"I just..." He shrugged, shaking his head and making a face. "Don't feel like it." 

"You don't feel like going and talking to two beautiful girls?" Moyo said in disbelief. 

"No," Jens replied, slightly harsher. He could feel his face hardening into an angry expression and didn't do anything about it. 

"Are you okay, man?" Robbe asked, picking up on the sudden swing of emotion. He looked at Jens, his eyebrows turned down and his mouth frowning. 

"I'm fine." Jens looked away, at Moyo and then Aaron, shaking his head slightly, like he was confused about why he was asking. Both of them had the same expression as Robbe. For some reason, it pissed Jens off even more. They didn't have to be worried about him. They should just leave him alone. 

"Are you sure?" Aaron asked somewhat softly. 

"I said I'm _fucking fine_ ," Jens said loudly. His heartbeat sped up and his nostrils flaring. His lips pursed, and he felt himself get hot, and his hands begin to shake. 

"Woah," Moyo said under his breath, stepping back, surprised by the explosion. "Bro–"

" _What_?" Jens looked at him angrily, daring him to say something else. He didn't know what tipped him over the edge, nor was he really thinking about it. All he could think was that he wanted to go home. That he shouldn't have come and hung out with them in the first place. 

"What's going on?" Robbe asked, and Jens looked at him. Robbe's eyes were wide, his eyebrows furrowed, his chin jutted. 

Jens threw his hands up and then dropped them in his lap, knocking a knuckle against the gritty surface of his board, and ignoring the pain of the scratches skin. 

"Why are you guys so worried?" 

"Because you're our friend? And you're not usually like this?" Moyo said, matching his volume level. "Because we want to know what happening?"

"Just mind your business," Jens said harshly. 

"Jens–" Aaron started. 

" _Leave me alone._ "

Jens grabbed his board and stood, walking off for a few steps before dropping the board and stepping on it, skating past the two girls Moyo had been gawking at.

"What the fuck?" he heard from behind him but was unable to tell which of them had said it. He huffed and stuck his hands in the pocket of his hoodie to try and get them to stop shaking.


	29. Maandag 01:15

**LUCAS**  
Lucas sat up in the dark, shivering against the cold that brushed his skin after he pushed the blanket off himself. He rubbed his hands over his face, pulling his skin back and then pushing it forward, pressing his hands harder until it hurt. He took a deep, shuddering breath, crossing his arms across his bare chest, gripping his shoulders. He closed his eyes, taking in heavy breaths, his fingers gently, absentmindedly squeezing his skin. 

He'd gotten a message from his mother earlier that day. A message about how she loves him and God loves him. He'd sent back that he loves her too. 

He didn't know how else to respond. Or what she expected. Maybe that he loved God. Maybe she expected a bible verse sent back to her. 

Lucas let go of himself, rubbed his face again, and looked around, his eyes straining in the darkness, seeing only slivers of the white blanket on his bed in the light from the gaps in the curtain. He leaned to her right, throwing his hand onto the bedside table and feeling around for his phone. When he grabbed it, he lifted it and turned it on, flinching away from the sudden white light, and turned down the brightness. 

He pulled up his text messages. Opened the messages from his mother.

_I love you, my darling boy. God is taking care of you. He and I will always be here._

_I love you too, mama._

He stared at the screen and pressed his lips together. Twisted his mouth to the side. Squeezed his eyes shut for a short second.

He dropped his phone to his lap and looked at the ceiling, rolling his eyes at himself. His eyes shut and his phone shut off and he felt himself drift. 

And then he pulled his head upright on his neck, opened his phone again, and swiped to his inbox.   
No new messages. 

None from Kes. None from Isa. None from Jayden. He'd spoken to them while he was in Antwerp, but not as much as expected. Not as much as he'd hoped. 

No new messages from Jens. Lucas's finger hovered over Jens's name, thinking about opening the messages and reading them. Again. 

But he didn't. 

Instead, he closed the app and made his way to his photos. He opened the screenshot of Jens he had taken off his Instagram.

He stared. 

And stared. 

At Jens's serious eyes. His brows pulled together. His slightly chapped lips. His cheekbones, and jawline. 

Lucas shut his phone off abruptly and tossed it onto the bedside table loudly. The sound startled him, and his shoulders and heartbeat both went up.

It took him a second before his heartbeat slowed, and he made his shoulders drop.   
He rubbed his face again, this time rubbing his forehead harshly with the bottom of his palm, and then the back of his hand, yawning. His eyes flickered as he lowered himself beneath the covers, the comforter cold against his skin. 

As he drifted off, he realized he never got the photos he and Jens had taken in the skatepark. 

He didn't have a single photo of them together.

It was like they never happened.


	30. Maandag 17:19

**JENS**  
Jens sat against his wall, his legs strewn out in front of him as he stared at his phone, the screen dark. His eyebrows were drawn together, and he bit his lip. He had developed a habit of biting his lip, causing it to bleed every once in a while. He hated it. His school books and homework were on his bed at his feet, completely disregarded. 

Music was playing from his phone quietly, not that he was really listening to it. He dropped his head against the wall, his eyelids dropping until his eyes were almost closed, and he shifted, moving further down. He took a deep breath, looking up at his ceiling. He bounced his feet without noticing. 

He reached to his bedside table and grabbed a joint from the plate. He placed it between his lips and left it there, exhaling around it. 

He sat. 

And smoked. 

And waited. 

He didn't know what he was waiting for exactly. Waiting to feel better. To feel like he wasn't completely empty. Completely dead. 

He hadn't talked to any of the guys since he'd snapped at them. He hadn't wanted to. He felt like he was going to snap at them again, for God knows what. He'd been angry lately. About anything and everything. He stormed away from dinner the night before because Lotte was chewing too loudly. And his mother kept scraping her fork against her plate. He had this feeling in his body, stuck in his shoulder and neck, stuck in his head, this tension, that felt like just _anger_. He didn't want to take anything out on Lotte or his mom, but at the moment that he slammed his fork down and pushed himself away from the table, the chairs scraping loudly on the floor, startling both of them, he didn't care. 

And although he didn't think it, it felt like he would ever care. He felt like that right now, like he didn't care that he'd cut off his best friends. He didn't care that his phone had buzzed so much with texts from them that he'd shut it off.

It felt like he would never care again. Or be happy, or _normal_. Like the feeling he's been feeling was stuck permanently in him. 

It felt like he would never be Jens again.


	31. Dinsdag 08:03

(tw//internalised homophobia)  
 **JENS**  
Looking up from his phone, Jens accidentally caught Robbe's eyes, and Robbe motioned for Jens to join him and the others across the courtyard. 

Jens let out a sigh and walked over to them, keeping his eyes on his phone until he was standing next to them. When he could see their feet in his peripheral vision he looked up to see that all three of them were looking at him, Moyo and Aaron with wary expressions on their faces. He exchanged _ca va_ s with them, bumping their fists together. 

"Everything's okay?" Robbe asked, his eyebrows turning upward. 

"Yeah."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

He knew it was ridiculous to be scared to tell Robbe what was happening. That he liked a boy. But he couldn't work up the nerve to it. Maybe it was something about how the words Moyo had said when Robbe opened about Sander had stuck and stayed under Jens's skin like splinters, or something about how a long time ago, before Lotte was even born, his father said things like that, too. 

Things about the colours Jens wanted to wear, or the fact that Jens didn't ever hang out with boys. The day Jens wanted to help his mother with dinner for the first time, his mom had smiled and said she'd appreciate it. His father had asked if he was a fag. 

Maybe that was why Jens never voiced his thoughts on how pretty he thought boys were. It was disgusting of him, at least in his father's eyes. It was disgraceful. He would never say these things out loud. He knew there was nothing wrong with being gay, he knew there was nothing wrong with Robbe, or Milan, or Sander, but when he thought of it for _himself_...he couldn't help but feel ashamed.

He'd been raised with the idea that he was supposed to be better. And he hated the idea that he fed into the stereotypes that people like his father were so dedicated, that boys who liked dolls and pretty things were bound to be gay. He hated it. 

"Uh, what's going on?"Aaron asked after a few seconds of silence. 

"Nothing, it's fine." Jens huffed and pulled on his backpack strap, uncomfortable. 

"Jens, we know you. It's not fine," Moyo said. 

"Just—" Jens was starting to get frustrated again. "Just leave it."

"Jens—"

"I said _leave it_." And suddenly there it was, ripping through his chest, tearing through his   
teeth. 

The boys stared at him. 

"Jesus," Jens said under his breath as he looked away, exasperated. 

They all stood awkwardly for a minute before Jens looked back at them. 

"You guys don't have anything else to talk about?" he asked. 

"No, apparently if we say anything at all, you get upset, so..." Moyo said. 

"Seriously?"

"We're asking if you're okay, and you're getting pissed!" 

"Maybe that's because you guys clearly don't know when to back off," Jens said, stepping closer. 

"Guys." Robbe stepped in, touching Jens's shoulder, holding him back from Moyo. 

Jens smacked him hand away, glaring at him before diverting his eyes to Moyo and then Aaron. 

As he turned and walked away toward the school, the bell rang, and he got caught in a wave of students pushing through the front doors.


	32. Dinsdag 22:14

**JENS**  
Jens tripped over his own feet as he staggered to a sofa in the corner. The music was loud and the fluorescent lights were almost blinding as they flashed and pulsed with the beat of the music. He fell on the sofa, clutching a beer bottle to his chest, also hitting the guy on the sofa next to him with his elbow.

He wouldn't usually be at some random party on a Tuesday night, but he needed a distraction. Even though this one wasn't working very well. Everything made him think of Lucas. The sofa he sat on, the almost-empty bottle in his hand. 

Jens dropped his head and shut his eyes, feeling the beat of the music pumping in time with his pulse. He looked up when he felt someone bump into his knee.

"Oh, sorry," a girl said, her voice and smile flirty. 

"You're fine," he said, sitting up so his knee was out of her way. 

"Uhm..." She looked at him and then looked away, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Do you want to go upstairs?" 

He stared at her for a second. 

"Bold."

She giggled, her eyes squinting. 

Jens thought about it, still looking at her as she raised her eyebrows. He and Lucas weren't _together_. They never were. 

And they obviously weren't now. 

"Yeah." 

He drained the bottle, and then tossed it onto the sofa, next to the stranger, who had somehow fallen asleep, the white of his shirt a neon blue under the lights. 

The girl grinned and grabbed his hand, pulling him behind her through the crowd of people. Her purse bumped her backside as she walked, her long hair stuck under the strap on her shoulder. 

As she pulled him up the stairs, Jens tripped, and continued to follow her, down the hall, last several rooms, and into a doorway, when she pulled him against herself and pressed a wet, open-mouthed kiss to his lips. He let her. 

He held her waist, pulling her closer, and they toppled over to the bed, where Jens held himself up above her, feeling himself grow hot.

She slid her hand up his back, pulling his shirt up before pushing her fingers into his hair and pulling. As she rolled her hips up to meet his, he realized how wrong it all felt. Her waist was too soft, her hair too long. Her lips too glossy, her grip in his hair not quite right. 

Jens pulled away abruptly, pushing himself off of her. 

"Wait," he slurred under his breath. 

She sat up halfway, looking at him with her eyebrows raised. 

"I have stuff, it's okay," she said, grabbing at her purse with one hand. 

"No, it's not..." He shook his head half-heartedly, apologetically. There was a moment of silence, and the bass from the loud music downstairs pierced through the floor and the air. 

"You don't want to," she said. 

He shook his head again, looking at her. 

"Sorry."

She pushed herself all the way up and tucked her hair behind her ears again, this time without the silly, flirty smile. 

"It's fine. You okay?" she said, looking concerned. 

"Yeah, I just..." He trailed off again and looked up towards the door of the room. "Sorry."

He stood and left the room, leaving her sitting on the bed by herself. When the door opened, the music seemed even louder than it was before he'd entered the room, the bass feeling like it was vibrating in his skull. 

He pushed between people in the hallway, toward a door that said _bathroom_ in messy, scrawled handwriting, bumping into shoulders, spilling drinks, and muttering apologies to those who shoved his arm and said: "What the hell, man?"

He still felt hot. 

But he'd rather get himself off in a bathroom that hook up with some random girl. 

So that's what he did.


	33. Woensdag 11:28

tw//internalised homophobia, religion  
 **Lucas**  
Lucas sat on his bed, the crisp white sheets and blankets folding around him. His laptop sat in front of him, his homework open, the screen dim. He wasn't doing his homework. 

He had almost finished it when his brain became too tired when all he could do was lay back and close his eyes, not even able to open his phone and pull up Instagram or text Kes.

Jens hadn't messaged him anymore. He missed him a lot, even just the short, one-word messages he'd gotten from him. But he especially missed seeing him. Looking at him. The way his eyes shone in the sun. The way his lips stretched into smiles. 

He knew it sounded like a shitty romance film, knowing someone for just two weeks and falling this hard. But the way Jens made him feel... 

It was bound to happen one way or another. 

It was like they were star-crossed. 

With his eyes closed and his hands folded in his lap, Lucas remembered one of the conversations they'd had on one of their dates about parallel universes. He wondered if maybe there was a universe when Lucas didn't hurt Jens. Where they stayed together. 

Maybe there was a universe where Lucas was okay, too. 

There was a knock at Lucas's door and he sighed before swinging his legs off the bed to answer it. 

"I'm going to get lunch with Milan, you coming?" 

Lucas stared at Ralph for a second before answering. 

"No, I've got—homework." 

Ralph raised his eyebrows and looked over Lucas's shoulder, at his bed, his nest of blankets,   
and his laptop screen glowing. 

"No Jens today?"

"No." Lucas was tempted to shut the door in his face. 

"Okay, well, I'll bring you something. Call if you need anything, yeah?"

"Yeah."

Ralph gave him a little smile before turning on his heel and making his way down the hall, a little bounce in his step.

Lucas turned and shut the door behind him, huffing lightly and closing his eyes as he pressed his back to the door, letting his head thump against it. He was trying to avoid thinking about Jens. He'd stayed off of Instagram, avoiding Jens's account and Robbe's and the others' accounts. He'd tried to focus only on his homework, the only tabs open on his laptop being Spotify, Google, and his email.

It sucked.

As he dropped himself onto his bed and covered his legs with the blankets, his phone buzzed. The world hollowed out and he stared at the screen, the phone too far away at the end of his bed for him to read it. Then he reached over his laptop and grabbed it, quickly holding it up to read it. 

A message from his mother.

_Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in them. - Ephesians 4:2_   
_I love you, my boy_

He sighed and rubbed his cheek, looking up at the ceiling, before writing back.

_I love you too mama_

He shut off his phone and set it on his bedside table, looking back at his laptop to work more. The screen was too bright, but he didn't fix it. 

Instead, he stared blankly at the words in his essay, not comprehending a single thing. 

He stared. 

And stared. 

And stared. 

Until finally, he slammed the laptop shut and dropped it to the floor, on top of his school bag. After making sure it wasn't directly on the floor, Lucas lauded on his back, his legs still crossed, and closed his eyes. 

Whoever lives in love, lives in God.

Did Lucas live in love? He loved people, of course. Kes and Jayden. Isa. His mom. He tried his best to show them that he loved them, but didn't always know how to. He told his mom he loved her. Showed his friends, trying to spend time with them, doing little things for them, remembering things they'd mentioned to him, things they didn't even remember telling him. He always hoped it was enough to show them that he loved them. They were important to him, that he was grateful for them. 

Did that mean that God lives in him? That's what it's said. He didn't think he was particularly worried about God loving him (he assumed that what that meant). He was more concerned with whether or not his mother loved him. 

She told him she loved him almost all the time, paired with bible verses or little emojis. It was reassuring, even with the verses that he hated so much. Even when he didn't see her often when she spent all day in bed, he spent all day in school, or when he stayed over at his friends', she sent him _I love you_ messages. He often felt guilty that he didn't send them first. 

But the verses. 

The verses made the messages feel like back-handed compliments in a way. _I love you_ with terms and conditions. _I love you_ but... 

He felt guilty that he didn't really believe in God. That he didn't pray every night the way she wanted him to. The last time he prayed was a few years ago. She had just been admitted. 

Lucas remembered how it felt to be on his knees, his elbows on his bed, a _please, please, please_ , rattling around in his head, an intangible letter to ears that would never hear it. He remembered how useless, helpless, scared he was. 

The praying didn't do anything. She stayed in the hospital for months afterward, until she was stable enough to come home, and she stayed in her room, too ashamed of herself to speak to Lucas, too guilty to come out from behind her heavy door. 

Lucas felt like that too sometimes. 

He knew she loved him. He just worried she would stop when she found out he was gay. 

That he was an abomination, that he was dirty, that he was sinful. He didn't know how he planned on telling her. 

_Mom, I'm gay._  
_Mom, I like boys._  
_Mom, I don't want a girlfriend._   
_Mom, I have a boyfriend._  
_Mom, I'm sorry._

Every time he tried to come out to her in his head, every time he imagined it, it ended with her telling him to repent. Or to hide it away until it didn't exist, until he could fall in love with some pretty girl and go about his life, _normal._

It always ended with her not loving him. 

He didn't know how she was about LGBT things; he'd ever heard her talk about it before. He'd just assumed she was homophobic from how religious she was. And based on the posts he'd seen online, the photos of posters and signs held up by strangers, posters with words like "God Abhors You," or "You're going to Hell." Words from people who didn't know anything about him other than the fact that he was gay, who didn't know anything about what it means to be gay.   
Strangers who don't know what it feels like to desperately want to hold a cute boy's hand, or kiss him on the cheek. To look at the stars with him, or have existential discussions.   
It hurt Lucas to know that all they thought they saw in him was sex. All they saw was what they wanted, and what they wanted was to see the dirty, immoral, impure parts of him, so they had an excuse to hate him. So they had an excuse to shout at him in the road, to post hateful, vile things on the internet. 

And what was almost worse was seeing the casual things people said, people close to him, people he knew, who knew him. People who said things like "that's so gay," about things they didn't like, things like homework assignments or an ugly shirt. People who said things like, "What, are you a fag?" when their friend was physically affectionate. People who said things like, "No, they'll think I'm gay," because that would just be so awful. People who did things like make faces when someone was visibly gay, when they sounded gay. People who said they didn't mind gay people, they just didn't like it when they shove in their face. Lucas knew that just coming out would be shoving it in their face, while the straight couples making out in the hallways, when _he_ made out with girls in the hallways, it was never shoving straightness in anyone's face. People who complained that _every show_ nowadays _has_ to have a gay character, that it was unnecessary and excessive. As though not every single show has a straight couple, or straight romance drama completely unrelated to the plot. People who thought that gayness and queerness was just sex, and not falling in love. Not feeling at home within one's own body, or feeling at home with someone else. 

Lucas had told himself after realizing that he was gay that he could just not show it. Pretend all the girls he kissed were boys, pretend he liked them. 

But Lucas was tired.

He didn't want to hide. He didn't want to pretend. He wanted to be able to go out with a rainbow flag and bright makeup if he decided to. He wanted to be able to hold a boy's hand while they walked on the sidewalk together, without being scared. He wanted to kiss a boy without being scared that the boy would say mean things or hurt him. He wanted to be himself without being scared of being beaten or murdered for just _being_.

Lucas sighed and covered his face, groaning quietly, trying to shut himself up. 

When it was unsuccessful, he reached to the floor and pulled out a pair of earbuds. He plugged them into his phone and pulled up his music app, pressing play on the loudest song he had saved. 

And he closed his eyes again.


	34. Donderdag 13:03

**JENS**  
Jens turned, holding his lunch tray, and faced the cafeteria. He looked at where the guys were, Aaron's and Moyo's backs to him, Robbe facing him. He caught Robbe's eye for a split second before Robbe looked away. Jens thought maybe he hadn't made eye contact, or it was so short Robbe didn't even notice it. Or maybe Robbe was just avoiding it. 

Jens abruptly pivoted on the balls of his feet, slamming his tray down on a counter near the door, startling several people who didn't say anything to him. As he moved down the hallway, bumping and hitting people and backpacks and walls and doors, his eyes burned, his hands shook, his hair fell into his face, distorting his vision even more. He found his way to a bathroom on the ground floor, a bathroom that no one used (unless it was for getting high during exams). 

It was empty, the door shutting behind him echoey and loud, the room sounding empty and hallow. He dropped his backpack on the floor, making another loud echo, and threw himself into a stall, slamming it shut and trying to lock it three times before he finally succeeded and collapsed to the ground, his back against the stall door. 

He didn't realize he was finally crying until he felt tears stream down his neck, and then a sob broke out of him, his hands clapping over his mouth, in case someone could hear him. 

Sobs racked his body, the door behind him creaking, his eyes squeezed shut. His gasps were loud, too loud, and he used his sleeves to wipe at his face, rubbing his nose until it was an angry red, just like his cheeks. 

When the sobbing stopped (the tears were still trickling down his face), he leaned his head back against the door. He was tired, the skin on his face feeling tight from dried tears, his lips dry and chapped, still quivering. 

All he wanted to do was get high. Maybe watch the guys play video games. Or something.

When he finally left the bathroom, it was a minute after the bell rang for class. He considered skipping but didn't want to be stuck in detention. 

He felt sleepy, his eyelids dropping every few seconds in class, and he could feel that his nose was still red, his cheeks still splotchy. He could feel people looking at him when he walked into class. 

But when he put his head down, he knew they couldn't see his face.


	35. Texts - Jens and Robbe

R: Bro you okay?   
Jens???  
Jens?   
Jens?  
Jens?  
Jens?  
Jens?

J: I'm fine

R: I don't believe you

J: Robbe Im okay 

R: Nope  
What's going on?   
Talk to me? 

J: Why do I suddenly need to explain myself? 

R: Because i'm fucking worried?   
just talk to me? 

J: can we talk in person? 

R: of course  
what time and where 

J: tomorrow during lunch?  
that one cafe   
12:30?

R: yeah   
👌


	36. Vrijdag 12:34

**JENS**  
Jens tapped his fingers on his skateboard in front of him anxiously. He was waiting outside a cafe for Robbe, a cafe he hoped would make Robbe put two and two together. 

It was the same cafe Robbe came out to him in. 

He hoped Robbe wasn't daft enough to miss it. 

He looked up from the crack in the pavement he was staring at when he heard a gentle, "Hey."  
He nodded at Robbe, his voice suddenly unable to work. He pushed himself up from the wall he leaned on and held his hand out for Robbe. Robbe nodded back and slapped his hand against it.   
As Jens entered the cafe ahead of Robbe, he felt his stomach turn. He knew it was ridiculous, feeling this scared to come out to Robbe. He had thought about it the night before (he had thought about it for a while before that, too), and told himself, convinced himself, tried to convince himself, that everything would be fine. That Robbe would smile and say, "Okay!" and that would be that. Everything would go back to normal. 

But as he sat down and looked up at Robbe sitting across from him, he knew it wouldn't.   
Robbe hung his jacket on the back of his chair, placing his skateboard and bag next to his seat.   
Jens placed his skateboard under his feet, rolling it back and forth uneasily after doing the same with his own jacket. His fingers tapped on the table. 

Robbe glanced at his hands, and then crossed his own on top of the table, his shoulders hunching up as he looked at Jens. 

"So?"

He looked earnest, his eyebrows raised slightly and his eyes gentle on Jens. He looked worried. 

"So," Jens started, and then stopped to clear his throat. Apparently Robbe hadn't put it together. 

"I've been...off. These past few days."

"Mmhm." 

Jens looked away from him, out the window, and popped his knuckles, his fingers twisting around each other. He looked back at Robbe, Robbe looking exactly the same. He nodded slightly as Jens as if to say Keep going. You're alright. 

"Yeah, these last few days..." Jens felt out of breath. "Rough."

"Okay."

"You know, uhm. You know Milan's friend? The Dutch one?"

"Ralph? or Lucas?"

Jens's breathing was faster than it was when he walked in. He pulled the sleeves of his shirt over her hands and took a deep breath.

"Uhm. L-Lucas." He rubbed his face, his right cheek, and thought _shit_. This wasn't good. 

"Yeah? What about him?"

Jens swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry, his throat scratchy. His eyes burned like he was going to cry. 

"We kind of..." He looked at the floor next to them, not wanting to finish the sentence. "Had a—a thing."

Robbe was quiet, and Jens's eyes shot up at him, ready to leave. Robbe looked confused, his eyes narrowed slightly and his eyebrows pulled together. Then he dropped his shoulders and said, "Okay? Is that what you were scared to tell me?"

Jens stared at him. 

"Yes?"

"You were scared to tell your _gay best friend_ that you like a guy."

A giggle broke out of Jens, erupting from his throat without him even thinking. 

"Yeah. I know."

Robbe looked away smiling, looking relieved. 

"Dude."

Jens laughed quietly and covered his face with his hands. 

They sat in silence for a second, and Jens felt his heartbeat and his breathing slow. It was okay. 

"Had? Past tense?"

Jens dropped his hands. 

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

Jens took in a long breath and looked down. 

"I don't–" His voice cut off. "I don't know."

Robbe shifted in his seat and put his hands on the table. 

"Tell me."

"So we met at the holiday party."

"Mmhm."

"And we hung out a few times after that and we like... We flirted. And held hands." Jens glanced up at Robbe, his nervousness still not completely gone. Robbe nodded, a small smile on his face. 

"And he kissed me on New Years. And we went back to my place and smoked. And... And made out."

"Mmhm."

"I thought everything was fine." Jens suddenly became overwhelmed with the same emotions he'd had when he realized Lucas was avoiding him. 

"What happened?" Robbe asked quietly. 

"He's just not talking to me. At all." Jens looked at him angrily. His eyes burned, and his voice cracked. "He's read my messages. But that's it. He hates me."

"Jens."

"What did I do wrong?"

"Probably nothing." Robbe reached out and placed a hand on Jens's. "You probably did nothing."

Jens dropped his head onto the table and felt Robbe pat his hair. 

"I'm gonna get some coffee, and then we'll talk about what to do, yeah?"

Jens sat up, making no move to stand to get coffee himself. 

"Yeah."

Robbe nodded and pushed himself away from the table. 

"What do you want?"

Jens looked at him for a second, realizing how grateful he was for him. Robbe was a good friend. 

"Just a coffee."

"Scone?"

"Sure."

Robbe nodded and began to walk past him, stopping next to him. He looked like he hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around Jens, pulling him close. Jens turned his face into Robbe's side, wrapping his arms around Robbe's waist. He didn't feel like he had to cry anymore. It was just that he only had the short few seconds during the hug to hide. 

"I love you," he heard Robbe say softly. 

Jens could only nod. 

Robbe gently pulled at his shoulder, and when Jens detached himself, he pressed a quick kiss to the top of Jens's head. 

As Robbe walked off to get their coffee and scones, Jens smiled to himself. Robbe had definitely been spending too much time with Milan.

\---

"Okay." Robbe fell back into his seat, sliding a plate between himself and Jens and setting two mugs on the table, carefully pulling one off his arm where it was balancing, his fingers holding onto the handle tightly. 

"Okay," Jens said back, reaching forward and pulling one mug toward himself. Robbe looked at him with his eyebrows raised. 

"Tell me again." 

"We met at the party."

"Yes."

"We...flirted. And stuff."

"Flirted?"

"Teased. He held my hand. Smoked together. Just...yeah." Jens didn't mention the bear. 

"Okay."

"At the party, we left and went to the park. We kissed."

"Okay."

"Some people showed up so we left. Went to my place. Smoked. Flirted, I guess. Made out."

"And then?"

"I fell asleep and he was laying next to me. And then I woke up and he wasn't there. And I thought maybe he'd text me or something but..."

"Nothing."

Jens shook his head. 

Robbe sighed and leaned back as Jens took a sip from his coffee. They looked at each other. 

"What do you think?" Jens asked quietly, wrapping both hands around his mug and holding it up to his face, letting the steam warm his face. 

Robbe winced and put his elbows on the table. 

"I think..." He trailed off and took a bite from the scone. "I think maybe he got scared."

Jens's eyebrows furrowed. 

"What do you mean?"

"Like," Robbe started and then took another bite of the scone and pushed the plate toward Jens. "Do you know if he's being a relationship before? Like with a guy?"

Jens shook his head and shrugged, setting his mug down and to take a bite. 

"Maybe you're his first. Maybe he got scared or didn't know what to do or something."

Jens nodded slowly, chewing and tapping his mug. They say sat in silence for a second before Jens swallowed and said, "So what do I do?"

"I don't know, man. I think you should talk to him but..."

"He's not talking to me."

"Yeah." 

Robbe held his hand out for the last piece of the scone and Jens gave it to him. Jens sighed and rubbed his face, then set his chin in his hand, covering his mouth. 

"You said he left you on read, though, right?" Robbe asked, looking up at him. 

Jens reached down to pull his phone out of his bag, unlocked it, and pulled open the messages. He passed the phone to Robbe and Robbe pulled the phone up closer to read. 

His eyes quickly scanned over the messages Jens had sent, (messages asking what was wrong, a message saying he was sorry) and went to under the most recent message, where two blue check marks showed that Lucas had opened them. 

He slid the phone back to Jens. 

"You could still message him. I think he'll read it. Maybe he'll reply."

"Mm." Jens dropped his head onto the table, his forearms under his forehead. 

"Text him."

"Now?"

"Yeah."

Jens scoffed and lifted his head, taking his phone. 

"What do I say?" 

Robbe shrugged and lifted his mug to his mouth. 

"Thanks." 

Robbe nodded. 

Jens looked at his screen, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. 

_Lucas,_

Jens shook his head lightly and backspaced. It's not a love letter, just a message. He glanced past his phone to look at Robbe, who was looking at his phone and sipping his coffee. Jens looked back at his phone and began again. 

_hey_

His mouth twisted. 

_I don't really know what to say. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry if I did anything. or messed anything up._

He looked up again and Robbe caught his eye. Robbe nodded, raising his eyebrows. Jens made a face. 

_I'd like to know what I did wrong. or anything at all. if you could say something._

Jens hit send before he could talk himself out of it. As it sent, he typed again quickly. 

_anything_

He dropped his phone and Robbe looked at him. 

"Done." 

Robbe lifted his hand to grab Jens's. He smiled.

"Nice."

Jens yawned and lifted his mug up again. 

"All good?" Robbe asked. 

Jens paused before answering. He looked out the window and bit his lip. 

"Yeah."


	37. Zaterdag 21:21

**LUCAS**  
Lucas walked down the sidewalk, pausing outside the door of Jens's apartment building. He was taking quick, shallow breaths, his hands shaking, even though they were stuck firmly in his pockets. 

He shook his head, blinking his eyes and pressing his lips together. 

He'd read Jens's message not even an hour after he sent it. He hadn't responded. He'd thought about it, even typed a few words out, moving his thumbs in the air above the screen. He'd typed out "You didn't do anything" and "I'm sorry." And then he deleted them. He wanted to talk to Jens in person. 

It took him a lot to finally decide to see Jens. He'd stalked back and forth in his hotel room, clutching his phone to his chest. Reread the message over and over. Thought about it. And thought. And thought. And thought. 

He wanted to tell Jens about his anxiety and panic tonight. He also wanted to kiss him. And hold his face. And run his hands through his hair. 

Lucas's knee bounced anxiously as he scanned the front of the building. He took in a deep breath and held it, thinking about where Jens could be. He thought that maybe he could be in his room. Smoking. Or watching a movie or playing video games. 

Lucas squeezed his eyes shut and turned away, walking down the sidewalk a little bit, and then sat on a bench under a tree, tilting his head back and breathing in the crisp air.

 **JENS**  
Jens pushed open the door to the apartment building, a gust of warm air rushing over him. His cheeks stung from the cold and he pulled his hat off as the door swung shut behind him, shoving it into his pocket. 

"Jens?"

He jumped slightly, turning back. 

Lucas stood in the doorway, his hood covering his head, a few curls escaping across his forehead. Jens blinked, stepping back to look at him as he stepped into the building. They stood apart from each other, looking. Jens saw Lucas's eyes travel across his body before ending at his face. 

Jens swallowed. The air felt thick, and he didn't know what to say. 

"Can I talk to you?" Lucas asked quietly. The question was hardly even out of his mouth before Jens was replying, "Yes."

Lucas stepped away from the door, towards Jens. The only sound Jens could hear was the passing cars outside and the hum of the lights. Jens kept his eyes on Lucas's, not realizing how close he was until his forehead was pressing against his. 

Jens took a deep breath, and they both closed their eyes. Jens's hand reached up and touched Lucas's chest gently, the string of his sweatshirts twisting around his fingers. Lucas pulled his head back, opening his eyes and looking at Jens. Jens looked peaceful and calm, his face relaxed, his eyes still closed. 

"I'm sorry," Lucas whispered. 

Jens opened his eyes and looked into Lucas's. His face hardened, his brow furrowing slightly. Lucas stepped back, and Jens's hand fell. Jens relaxed his face, thinking perhaps he had looked angry. He didn't want to look angry. 

"Just..." Jens trailed off. They looked at each other, neither of them knowing what to do or say. "What happened?" he finished. 

Lucas looked down, away from Jens, and took a deep, shuddering breath. Jens waited. 

"I just...I panicked."

Lucas looked into his eyes intensely. He couldn't get the right words out. Didn't know how to get the right words out. Didn't even know what words he had to get out.   
He could hardly even explain it to himself. 

"Okay," Jens said quietly, his eyes steady on Lucas. 

"I don't want to hurt you."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not." Lucas shook his head. "It's not, I should have talked to you, I should have—"

"Lucas–"

"I'm sorry, Jens." He stepped forward and leaned in with emphasis, and Jens put his hands on his shoulders. 

"Lu." He slid his hands up to his neck and looked into his eyes. "It's okay."

Lucas shook his head. 

"It's not," he whispered.

"It is." 

Jens pressed his forehead to Lucas's and Lucas squeezed his eyes shut. He breathed with Jens, placing his hands on his waist. His fingers gripped the fabric of Jens's jacket tightly.   
After a minute Jens pulled his head back, still holding onto Lucas. His thumbs brushed across Lucas's cheeks, across his freckles. 

"It's okay." 

Jens kissed him gently and Lucas gasped, pulling Jens closer by his waist. Jens tilted his head, sliding his hands under Lucas's hood into his hair, pushing the hood down. Jens pulled away for a second, and Lucas followed, lifting his chin. Jens kissed him again, harder, gently pushing him against the wall behind him. Lucas slid his hands up to hold Jens's wrists and then tugged gently. Jens pulled his face back. 

Lucas stared at him, his eyes wide, and his mouth open like he was about to say something.

LUCAS  
"Lucas," Jens said softly. 

"I've never done this."

"Done what?"

They were speaking so quietly, if someone stood in the entrance, they probably wouldn't be able to hear them. 

"Been with a boy. Liked a boy as much as I like you." Lucas's thumbs ran back and forth over Jens's wrists. 

"Me either."

Lucas looked into his eyes and glanced at his lips. 

"I've never liked a boy," Jens said abruptly. 

Lucas raised his eyebrows at him. 

"No?" 

Jens shook his head, moving his hands on Lucas's skin, his fingers digging into the back of his neck. His eyes flicked between Lucas's and his mouth twisted like he was thinking. 

"But I like you."

Lucas let out a breath. Jens shouldn't like him after what he'd done. 

"Still?" His voice cracked slightly. 

Jens nodded. Lucas dropped his head on Jens's shoulder, hiding his face. 

"You shouldn't," he said, his voice muffled by Jens's jacket. 

"Well you can't really stop me, can you?"

Lucas scoffed and lifted his head to look at him.

"You shouldn't," he said again, his voice just a breath. Jens closed his eyes and gently pulled Lucas forward, pressing their foreheads together, brushing the tips of their noses together. 

"But I do."

Lucas's eyes travelled down Jens's face to his lips and stayed there for a second before closing. He slid his hands down Jens's arms and then down his waist, holding onto him tightly.  
He never wanted to let go of him, of this beautiful boy, and his perfect cheekbones and pretty eyes. He wanted to talk, to talk to Jens, but didn't have the right words. 

Jens kissed him.

Lucas's mouth opened under his and he wrapped his arms around Jens's waist, pulling him as close as he could. 

Jens wanted to take Lucas upstairs. Tell him that it was okay. 

Show him that it was okay. 

He pulled Lucas's bottom lip into his mouth, and Lucas sighed, moving his hands up Jens's chest. Lucas's breaths sped up as he tilted his head. Jens kissed him harder, smiling slightly against his mouth, and pushed him against the wall again. He heard Lucas's breath catch as their bodies pressed together, and he pulled back momentarily, looking at Lucas's face. His mouth was shiny and open, and his eyes were closed. He looked blissful. 

Jens leaned forward again and pressed a kiss to the spot above Lucas's upper lip. Lucas smiled softly and moved his hands to touch Jens's neck. 

They kissed again, and Lucas slipped a thumb to the other side of Jens's neck, holding his throat. His fingers tightened when he felt Jens's tongue in his mouth. The air around them shifted, turned red, and Jens slipped his hands to Lucas's sides, under his jacket and sweatshirt. Lucas gasped lightly, and Jens pulled away, his eyes unfocused and half shut. 

Lucas could feel Jens's pulse. It was fast. 

He could also hear his own heartbeat.

They matched. 

Jens trailed his fingertips over Lucas's skin. 

"Do you want to go upstairs?"

Lucas looked into Jens's eyes, his gaze intense.

He nodded. 

Jens pulled his hands away from Lucas's sides and stepped backwards to head toward the stairwell. Lucas let go of his neck and dropped his hands, catching one of Jens's. He held on, intertwining their fingers as they made their way up to Jens's apartment.   
It wasn't until they were tripping through the front door, their hands fumbling under each other's jackets, and Jens's lips on Lucas's neck, that it occurred to Lucas that Jens's mom and sister must be out. He was glad.

 **JENS**  
Lucas gasped and threw his head back as Jens pressed a messy kiss to his neck, just under his jaw. Jens smiled against his skin and began to push Lucas's jacket off his shoulders. 

"You didn't do anything," Lucas said suddenly, pushing Jens's hands back before grabbing them again. Jens stopped, letting Lucas hold his hands, and looked at Lucas, who was looking at him intensely. "You didn't."

Jens stared, confused, his mind foggy. 

"You said–You said you were sorry," Lucas stammered, clarifying. Jens remembered the messages he had sent him. 

"Oh."

"You don't have to be, you didn't do anything wrong." Lucas was almost panting, out of breath from rushing up the stairs, and out of breath from Jens. He gripped Jens's hands, his eyes wide. "Everything was perfect."

Jens blinked, his eyes flicking back and forth between Lucas's eyes and his lips. 

"Okay."

"I just–I–" Lucas cut himself off. He was breathing fast, his eyes bright. He looked past Jens, around the room, like he was looking for an escape. 

"Lu..." Jens leaned forward, taking a hand out of Lucas's grasp. He gently pushed a curl out of Lucas's face and brushed a fingertip down his cheek to hold his jaw. 

"You have to know that." Lucas looked back at him. His eyes were shining with unshed tears. "It was just me, I'm sorry." His words were rushed, almost slurred together in a mix of breath and sound. 

"It's okay." Jens kissed Lucas softly and moved his hand to his shoulder to finish with his jacket. Lucas closed his eyes, and a tear fell down over his freckles. Jens kissed his cheek, the tear salty on his lips. 

Lucas let go of Jens's hand and pulled off his own jacket before taking Jens's off. Jens let go of Lucas so the jacket could fall off his arms onto the ground and moved his lips down Lucas's cheek, kissing down his jaw and neck. Lucas angled his head and wrapped his arms around Jens's neck, pulling him closer.

Jens gripped Lucas's hoodie at his sides, pulling him against himself, and then stepped back down the hall and then into his room. 

Jens slammed the door shut behind them, kissing Lucas's mouth fervently, his hands sliding under his sweatshirt, smoothing across his skin. They both stumbled out of their shoes, giggling at each other as they tried to hold on, gracelessly tripping and kicking the shoes to the wall. 

Lucas pushed his hands into Jens's hair, tugging lightly as Jens bit down on Lucas's bottom lip. Jens made a sound deep in his throat, and slid his hands up, pushing the hoodie up Lucas's torso.

Lucas pulled away from Jens and swiftly took it off, his t-shirt coming off with it. He paused, holding them in his hand and looking at Jens, who's eyes trailed down Lucas's body before making their way back to his face. 

Jens pressed his forehead to Lucas's, placing his hands on Lucas's waist and closing his eyes. He trailed his fingers across his skin, feeling how soft and gentle he was. 

He heard Lucas drop his shirts and then felt Lucas's hands on the back of his neck. Lucas kissed him, his mouth open and his breath hot. Jens pushed Lucas to the bed, falling on top of him. 

He pressed kisses down Lucas's neck, pausing to gently bite the skin. Lucas's back arched, his body pressing against Jens's. He let out a quiet moan and Jens smoothed over the spot with a kiss before continuing down Lucas's chest.

 **LUCAS**  
Lucas felt free. 

Three days ago, he was trying to have nothing to do with Jens, to have nothing to do with his feelings for Jens. He was trying to ignore all of it. 

And now, at this moment, he was pulling Jens's shirt off of him, and Jens was kissing his body, his whole body, and there was a feeling in his stomach he'd never felt before. 

Lucas closed his eyes. 

He listened to Jens, to his heavy breathing, to the jingling of their belts unbuckling. 

"Lucas..."

He opened his eyes and looked at Jens above him. 

"Are we..." 

Lucas touched his face, bringing him closer, and kissing him deeply. Jens moaned into his mouth as Lucas brought his hips up, gently pushing them together. 

When they pulled apart, Jens was gasping for breath, his eyes dazed. 

"Do you want me to..." He trailed off. 

_Yes._

Lucas did it again, this time twisting his fingers through Jens's hair. Jens gasped, and Lucas smiled. When Jens pulled away again, leaning across the bed to his bedside table, Lucas closed his eyes again. He felt Jens touch him, run his hands down his thighs, hold his hips. Lucas suppressed a moan when he felt Jens's tongue on his chest, covering his mouth with his hand, and Jens reached up and moved it. 

"Let me hear you."

Lucas took a gasp of breath. 

He was nervous, there was no way around it. His heart was beating so fast he could hear it, adrenaline pumping through his veins. When Jens paused to kiss him again, he held onto him, Lucas's thumb pressing into his skin under his jaw and his fingertips on the side of his neck, his palm against his throat. He felt Jens's pulse, felt as Jens moaned into his mouth. 

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." A gasping breath. A nodding head. 

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

He felt like his soul was seeping out of every pore in his body. Like the outside world was a whole other dimension, a whole other universe, and they were in their own little world. Just the two of them.

Lucas was free. 

He listened to Jens, to him moan and breath, to the way he whispered Lucas's name, the way he whispered it into the air between them like a prayer.

 **JENS**  
In the final moments, when his eyes rolled back into his head, and he had to hold himself above Lucas, when Lucas pulled his hair and squeezed his throat, when Jens went blind and all he could feel was the heat radiating from their bodies, when Jens moaned, "Baby," and Lucas whined in response, there was something there. 

But neither of them said it.

———

Jens collapsed on top of Lucas, his face in the crook of his neck, his eyes closed. He felt Lucas put his arms around his neck, gently scratching his scalp with one hand. 

"Good?" Lucas asked quietly. Jens grunted in response, not moving before shifting his head slightly and saying against his skin, "So good."

He could almost sense Lucas smiling. 

After a few quiet seconds, Lucas gently pushed him and rolled on top of him, kissing him messily and lazily, with too many teeth, too much tongue. 

Jens held his face, running his thumbs across Lucas's freckles. 

Lucas pulled back after a minute and smiled softly at Jens, his eyes almost closed like he was high. Jens closed his own eyes and sighed. Lucas laid his head down between Jens's shoulder and neck, feeling how Jens was slightly sweaty, and not caring. He felt Jens lay his arms over his back, tracing incoherent shapes with his fingertips. 

Lucas felt his eyelids drooping, and he sighed against Jens's neck, pressing his lips against the slightly salty skin. Jens hummed quietly, and Lucas could tell that his eyes were closed without looking at him. He slid his mouth down his neck, to the spot where Jens's shoulder and neck met, above his collarbone, opening his mouth and biting the skin sleepily. 

Jens lifted his hands and set them in Lucas's hair, gently tugging as he sighed and tilted his head back. They were quiet, except the occasional whine from Jens. He felt Lucas's lips curl into a smile against him. 

At some point, Lucas pulled his lips away from his skin, seeing that it had gone red, and pressed his cheek to Jens's shoulder. 

"Do you know Cigarettes After Sex?" Jens asked quietly, his voice rough. It took Lucas a moment to answer. 

"A band, right?" 

"Yeah."

Lucas closed his eyes and listened to him, his voice so close to his ears. He reached up and pressed his hand to his throat again. Jens almost shivered, feeling the coldness of his ring against his hot skin. 

"They sound the way you make me feel," he murmured. 

"Mm."

They were quiet, the sound of them breathing, and the hum of the rickety heater, and cars passing outside the only sounds in their world. 

"I'll show you tomorrow." Jens sighed, turning his head to the side, softly kissing Lucas's forehead. 

Jens sat up partially, reaching down the bed and pulling up the comforter that was strewn on the floor, placing it over himself and Lucas. Lucas grabbed the edge of the blanket when Jens put it over him, tucking it under his chin, and nuzzled his face into Jens's shoulder. 

Jens smiled.


	38. Zondag 09:37

**JENS**  
Jens awoke with his hair in his face and the hem of the blanket at his waist, his top half uncovered and cold. He yawned and rubbed his face, twisting his back and stretching, groaning quietly. He looked up at his room, the sweatshirts and pants tossed haphazardly on the floor, a shoe by the door, the matching half under his bed. He smiled to himself, and turned around, looking at Lucas. His eyes were closed, his face relaxed and peaceful. 

Jens smiled at him, reaching out and gently touching him. He brushed Lucas's curls back away from his face, running his fingertips over his brow, his cheekbones, and softly over his lips. He looked at Lucas, the mole above his mouth, the freckles scattered like constellations across his nose and cheeks. He really was beautiful. 

When he glanced back up, Lucas's eyes were open, the intense blue startling Jens. 

"Oh, shit," he said quietly, resting his hand over Lucas's neck, his fingers in his hair. Lucas giggled, his eyes closing, and brought his hand to Jens's waist. Jens flinched, expecting it to be cold, but relaxed and moved closer when it wasn't. 

Lucas pulled him in, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face to Jens's bare chest as Jens slid one hand up his arm and the other into his hair, sighing. 

They were quiet, almost asleep, Lucas's eyes closed as he brushed his thumb back and forth over Jens's skin. 

"This is good," he whispered against Jens. 

"What is?"

"This." He pressed a kiss to Jens's chest. "I wish we could stay here forever."

Jens smiled.

"Somewhere...There's a universe where time doesn't exist," he said slowly.

"That sounds nice," Lucas said, his voice almost just a breath across Jens's skin. Jens hummed in agreement. 

They heard a quiet bang from the living room and Jens sighed. 

"My mom is up. And Lotte too, probably."

"Were they here last night?" Lucas asked, sounding scared. He lifted his head to look at Jens, his eyes wide and his brow furrowed. Jens laughed. 

"No, Mom worked late and Lotte stayed at a friend's. They probably came back this morning."

"Okay." Lucas put his head back down. 

Jens hesitated before asking, "Do you wanna meet them?" 

Lucas moved back to look at Jens again. 

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, come on. Before they leave."

Jens let go of Lucas, who stared at his and sat up, his face full of wonder. "Now?"

"Yeah." Jens grabbed a t-shirt from the ground as Lucas looked away and pushed himself up to stand. When Jens looked back at him, he looked into his eyes. 

"As—As, like, your...boyfriend?" His voice faltered, nervous. 

"If it's okay with you," Jens replies, pulling the shirt over his chest.   
Lucas paused before replying, "Okay," with a smile. He quickly grabbed a shirt from Jens's desk chair, and snatched his own sweatpants from the ground, pulling them on as Jens watched fondly. 

Lucas looked over Jens quickly and stopped him as he reached for the doorknob.

"Shit, wait, Jens—"

He stared at the red mark above Jens's collarbone, clearly visible above the collar of his worn, loose shirt. 

"What?"

"Uhm..." Lucas glanced back up at his eyes nervously. 

Jens presses his lips together, suppressing a smile. 

"Did it bruise?" 

Lucas winced. 

"Sorry."

Jens let go of the doorknob, letting his hand fall as he moved into his bathroom, looking into the mirror above the sink. He gently ran his fingers over the red bruise on his skin, smiling.

 **LUCAS**  
When he came out, he looked at Lucas, who was covering his face with his hands. 

"Hey," Jens said quietly. 

"I'm sorry," Lucas said into his hands, moving his fingers so he could look at Jens.  
Jens reached out and touched Lucas's hands, gently moving them. Lucas looked down, his eyes on Jens's collarbone. 

"Don't apologize, baby, I like it."

Lucas's eyes snapped up to Jens's, his eyebrows furrowed confusedly. Jens let out a quiet laugh at his expression and leaned in, pressing a chaste kiss to his mouth. Lucas moved his hands to Jens's face, Jens's cheeks squishing under his palms. Jens kissed him again, lingering slightly as Lucas sighed. 

When he pulled away, he squinted and twisted his mouth to the side. 

"...Don't think my mom is going to like it as much as I do, though." 

Lucas scoffed and dropped his head to Jens's shoulder. 

Jens kissed his head before letting go of him and stepping back, grabbing Lucas's hoodie from the floor and pulling it on, pulling it further down in the back, the collar and beginning of the hood covering his collarbone. He looked at Lucas, raising his eyebrows.

"Good?"

"Yeah."

Jens kisses Lucas one more time before opening the door. Lucas followed him down the hall, quietly, nervously. 

"Jens! I thought you'd sleep until noon," Lucas heard Jens's mom say, and watched her hold Jens's face as she pressed a sweet kiss to his forehead. Jens scrunched his face up, saying, 

"Morning, mama."

"Good morning," Lotte said, gently hitting Jens's thigh. He ruffled her hair. Lucas stood behind Jens and gave an awkward, tight-lipped smile when Jens's mom looked at him. 

"Uhm, this is...this is Lucas," Jens moved backwards slightly, gesturing to Lucas. 

"Lucas! A friend from school?" His mom moved forward and held her hand out. Lucas took it gently and shook it once. 

"Oh, uhm, no, he's in town from Holland," Jens said. His eyes were slightly wide, looking anxious. His heart was pounding. 

"Ah, how nice!" She gave Lucas another smile and he smiled back. He glanced at Jens and Jens looked back at him. He nodded subtly, barely moving his head. 

"My—My boyfriend, Mom."

The room was completely silent, Jens's mother still holding onto Lucas's hand. 

"Oh."

Jens looked back and forth from his mom to Lucas, his mother looking perplexed, Lucas looking scared. The silence was long and painful. 

"I'm Lotte!" Lotte said loudly. They all looked at her, and Lucas dropped his hand, glancing at Jens before holding his hand out to Lotte. She grabbed it and shook it. 

"It's very nice to meet you," he said, already fond of the girl. 

"You're pretty," she said matter-of-factly, holding his hand. He laughed. 

"He is, isn't he?" Mama Stoffels said, looking at Lucas and then Jens. She nodded at Jens, a silent _It's okay_. 

She grabbed Jens's shoulder, kissing his forehead again, as Lucas let go of Lotte's hand and ruffled her hair as Jens had. She giggled. 

"Oh, God! Lotte, we have to go!" Lucas turned to look at her as she shook her wrist with a watch on it. "We're going to be late, dear, come, come."

Lotte waved at Lucas and he winked at her. Jens's mom put her hand on Lucas's shoulder and pulled him down so she could kiss the side of his head. 

"It was lovely meeting you, Lucas, I hope I'll be seeing you again soon. Dinner, maybe?" She looked at Jens with her eyebrows raised hopefully. 

"Uhm..." He shrugged. "Yeah, we can make plans." He looked at Lucas, both of them smiling. 

"Wonderful." She ushered Lotte out the door, glancing behind them as she exited. "Have a nice day, my dears." She blew a kiss, and the door shut behind them. 

Lucas and Jens both stood in silence for a minute, staring at the door until Jens said, "Well."  
Lucas started giggling and covered his face again. Jens let out a breathy laugh, turning to Lucas and dropping his head on his shoulder.

"Oh God, that was so _weird_ ," Jens said. 

"It wasn't _that_ bad," Lucas said, turning to him and placing his hands on his waist.

"Lotte said you're pretty!" Jens said, exasperated. He put his arms around Lucas's neck. 

" _You_ said I'm pretty!"

"That's different, you're my boyfriend."

Lucas didn't say anything, but a soft smile grew across his face. His eyes flicked down to Jens's mouth (also smiling) and back to his eyes. 

"What?" Jens asked quietly. 

"Your boyfriend."

"My boyfriend."

Jens laughed quietly and pressed his forehead to Lucas's. 

"Are we telling people?" Lucas asked softly. 

Jens paused and kissed him gently, taking in a deep breath through his nose. Lucas slid his hands under Jens's sweatshirt (Lucas's sweatshirt) and t-shirt, his fingertips digging into his skin. 

Lucas sighed when Jens pulled back. 

Jens scanned his face before answering. 

"I've told Robbe."

"Okay."

"Do you think I should tell the others?"

Lucas kissed him. 

"If you want to."

"I think I do."

Lucas smiled and nodded. 

"Okay." 

He kissed Jens again, squeezing his sides, opening his mouth, and Jens slid his arms away from around his neck, placing his hands on Lucas's shoulders. Lucas bit Jens's lip gently, and Jens gasped lightly, his hands slipping up to Lucas's head, his fingers tangling in his curls. 

"What about you?" Jens asked when they parted to breathe. 

"Me?"

"Are you gonna tell your friends?"

Lucas looked away, down, thinking. He swallowed. 

"I don't think I'm ready," he said. Jens was quiet. "I'm sorry."

"Lu..."

"I don't want anything to change, but I don't want you to have to be a—a secret," he rambled, pulling Jens closer and shutting his eyes. He didn't want to look at Jens. Didn't want to see how he was hurting him. 

"Lucas, baby, stop," Jens said softly, almost whispering. "Stop, it's okay."

Lucas looked at him.

"I'm okay with being a secret." Jens brushed his fingertips across Lucas's face. "It's kinda hot."

"Shut up," Lucas said, rolling his eyes and smiling, relieved. Jens pressed his mouth to Lucas's, sliding his tongue across his bottom lip. Lucas sighed, and when they parted, he laid his head on Jens's shoulder, his face in his neck. 

"I was going to show you a song," Jens said after a few seconds of silence. 

"Mm."

Jens pushed Lucas backwards, nodding toward the sofa, and Lucas curled up in the corner of it as Jens went back to his room to get his phone. Lucas closed his eyes, laying his head on the back of the sofa. 

He felt Jens flop onto the sofa and heard the song start to play, a deep bass, and then heard Jens place his phone onto the coffee table. 

"Can I kiss you?" Jens whispered.

Lucas opened his eyes. He put his hands on his shoulders and pulled himself up onto his knees so he was above Jens, who watched him, his head tilted back, his mouth agape and his eyes half-closed like he was still sleepy. 

Lucas kissed him, open and careless, and Jens reached around him, his arms wrapped around his thighs. Jens pulled him in so Lucas fell into him and sat on his lap, straddling him. 

Lucas grinned against his mouth as Jens pushed him so he fell on his back and Jens laid between his legs. He slid his hands up Lucas's thighs and pulled his face away, moving across Lucas's skin, pressing soft kisses on his cheek, jaw, and then neck. Lucas pushed his hands into Jens's hair, tugging slightly. 

It was a good song, he thought as he listened to it and felt Jens suck and bite his neck gently.

_They sound the way you make me feel._

Lucas moaned quietly in Jens's ear, his breathing heavy. He felt Jens smile against his neck and slide his hand up his waist as Lucas tightened his legs around him, pulling Jens against himself. 

"Fuck," Jens gasped, pulling away from Lucas and holding himself above him. Lucas couldn't help but giggle as Jens looked up and away. 

"Shut up," Jens said breathlessly, looking back at him. Lucas quirked his eyebrows at him, teasing. 

Jens shook his head and crashed his mouth against Lucas's, effectively shutting him up.


	39. Maandag 07:58

**JENS**  
Jens rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, looking down at his phone, at the messages Lucas had sent him. 

_You're telling the guys this morning?_

Jens sighed, looking up and thinking. He saw the guys coming towards him across the courtyard. Moyo was in the front (Jens's stomach dropped), with Robbe and Aaron behind him. Seeing Robbe made him feel a little bit better, knowing Robbe knew, knowing Robbe loves him.   
He knew it would be okay. He knew Moyo was nicer now, knew Moyo was close friends with Sander, even physically affectionate with both him and Robbe.

He was still scared. 

He looked away after making eye contact with Moyo, looking back down and texting Lucas back. 

_Yeah._   
_Scared_

He stuffed his phone in his pocket when he heard the guys approach. 

"Hey," Moyo said, sounding apprehensive.

Jens tried to smile, his lips tight, and skimmed his eyes over them, stopping at Robbe. Robbe gave him the same smile.

"Hey, so..." Jens's voice trailed off. He felt his phone buzz in his hands, telling him Lucas probably texted back. He wanted to check what he said, but couldn't look away from the three of them, all staring at him intently. 

"So," he tried again. "I've been weird." 

"Yeah," Moyo said.

"Okay, uhm..." He took a deep breath. He didn't know how exactly to tell them _what_ he needed to say. He really didn't even know what exactly he needed to say. "There's something..." His breath shuddered. 

"It's okay," he heard Aaron say. He gave him a crooked smile.

"There's something I have to tell you guys."

He looked at them nervously. They all stared back at him. Moyo looked somewhat sad like he already knew what was happening. 

"I'm bi."

None of them said anything, but Robbe smiled. He continued. 

"It's not anything new, but I actually like... _like_ a guy, and it's the first time. I've never liked a guy before but it's—it's confusing and I've been taking it all out on you guys and I'm sorry, and I just—"

Moyo cut him off by enveloping him in a hug. Jens wrapped his arms around him immediately, his shoulders dropping and his body relaxing in relief. His face was stuffed in Moyo's neck, his hands gripping his jacket tightly. His eyes closed.

When Moyo pulled back and gripped his shoulders, Jens opened his eyes and realized they were tearing up. 

Moyo's brows were drawn together, his face serious, more serious than Jens had ever seen him. 

"I don't care. You understand that?"

Jens nodded, his lower lip quivering slightly. 

"It's okay." Moyo pulled him back into another hug. Jens took a deep, shuddering breath. His eyes closed, he felt another pair of arms wrap around him and Moyo, and let out a scoffing laugh as he realized Aaron was hugging them as well. He shifted so he could put one of his arms around him, up at his neck, his hand rubbing Aaron's curls. 

Jens cracked his eyes open, and even though his vision was blurry, could see Robbe grinning at the guys, and watched as he pulled his phone out of his pocket before stepping back and taking a picture of them. Jens laughed and squeezed them one more time before loosening his grip and stepping back slightly. 

The three of them pulled away, dropping their arms and looked down, pulling themselves together. Jens sighed, glanced at Moyo, who looked about as teary as he did. After a few seconds of silence, Aaron said, "Why didn't you tell us earlier?"

Jens didn't know how to answer, how to explain the fear so briefly. He glanced at Robbe, who gave him an understanding look. 

"The world isn't very nice to people like us," Robbe said quietly to Aaron, giving him a sad smile.

Jens suddenly remembered the time the year before than Robbe showed up in front of him, bruised and wounded, saying he'd gotten into a fight with some pretentious guys from the school in Antwerp. His heart broke.

Before he could reach out and grab his shoulder, give him a hug, or hold his hand, the bell rang, and they all started heading toward the front door of the school. Jens hung his arm around Robbe's neck on the dock, bumping his forehead into Robbe's temple. 

As he headed up the stairs to his first class, he felt lighter, like there was a bump in his step, like he was lighter. There was a weight lifted off his shoulders. 

He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, squeezing between people to get to the door of his class. He smiled as he read it. 

_I'll give you a kiss when you're done with school._

He managed to type out a quick _:)_ before his instructor tapped his shoulder and motioned for him to put his phone away.


	40. Texts - Lucas and Jens

J: Do you want to hang out with the guys today

L: Sounds fun   
When?

J: 16:45? At the skate park?

L: Yeah  
Can I still give you a kiss or are we keeping PDA to a minimum?

J: I would love a kiss please and thank you

L: ;)


	41. Maandag 16:47

**LUCAS**  
Lucas kicked his feet against the wall of the half-pipe. He was sitting in the same place he'd sat when he first hung out with Jens (their first _date_ ), the same place he'd sat when they'd first kissed. Now the first time he'd hang out with Jens's friends as Jens's boyfriend. It was all okay.   
He smiled softly at the sky, and looked to his right when he heard voices he recognized as the boys'.

His eyes immediately went to Jens, who was laughing at something one of them had said and playfully punching Aaron. When Jens looked at Lucas, his smile softened. 

"Lucaasss!" Moyo exclaimed upon seeing him. Lucas laughed as he reached him, holding his hand up, and slapped their palms together. Aaron did the same, then Robbe. The guys sat on the ledge with Lucas, pulling their bags off and setting them down behind themselves. When Jens held his hand out, Lucas pulled him down next to himself, tilting his head up as Jens leaned down, kissing him carelessly, not square on the mouth, and pulled back. He didn't want to be too affectionate, didn't want to make him uncomfortable. 

Jens scrunched his nose at him and placed his hand on his neck, pulling him back and kissing him gently. Lucas giggled against his mouth, hearing the boys whistle at them, teasing. 

"How did you guys do on the math quiz?" Jens asked, taking off his backpack and turning so he could wrap his arms around Lucas. Lucas turned, pulling his legs up next to himself, trying not to kick Moyo, and leaned back, his back against Jens's chest as he brought his hands up to hold Jens's. 

"How do you _think_ I did?" Aaron asked, looking at Jens, his eyebrows raised. Jens snorted, gently squeezing Lucas as he settled. 

"Honestly, I don't even know what I don't know," Moyo said. 

"Mood," Lucas said before gently kissing Jens's hand. Jens set his chin on the top of Lucas's head. 

"Are you doing school online?" Robbe asked. 

"Yeah, my teachers are emailing me assignments and stuff. I can find the articles and things I have to read online. It's not too bad." 

"When are you headed back?" Aaron asked, leaning back to see Lucas around Moyo. Lucas sighed. 

"I don't know yet. I'm staying with Ralph, I don't know how long he's staying." Lucas felt Jens sigh into his hair. 

He didn't know when he was going back, but he assumed it would be sometime that month. He'd miss Jens. Miss Antwerp. Of course, Utrecht wasn't too far from Antwerp, only about two hours. He'd be able to visit. Jens would be able to visit. 

Lucas would want to visit every other day, though that wouldn't be entirely possible. He had school and had to care for his mother and see his friends.

Lucas squeezed Jens's hands, and Jens squeezed back. The guys started talking about something that had happened in school that day, someone getting caught with weed in the bathroom or something like that, and Lucas laughed at them, laughed at Moyo's impersonations, at Robbe hitting Aaron jokingly, at Aaron's giggles. He held onto Jens through all of it. 

He didn't want to let go.


	42. Dinsdag 13:06

**LUCAS**  
Lucas's fingers flew across his keyboard, quickly typing words in his essay that was due twenty minutes beforehand. He scanned the screen, skimming through his essay, correcting typos and inserting commas and periods in places where he'd missed them while typing the first time. 

His phone buzzed and he ignored it, knowing it was just Ralph asking if he was on his way to lunch. Lucas rubbed his face as he downloaded his essay and switched tabs to turn it, sighing as he hit submit. 

He took a second to stretch as he set his laptop to the side, and then grabbed his jacket and phone, texting Ralph _I'm on my way_ and accidentally slamming the door shut behind himself. 

\---

"Hey, sorry," Lucas said as he slid into the booth next to Milan, our of breath from rushing form his hotel room to the cafe. "Homework...stuff."

Milan snorted at him, sliding a small plate with a sandwich on it over to him. Lucas grabbed it and took a bite before looking up and realising both arson and Milan were staring at him. 

"What?" 

Milan suppressed a smile and looks at Ralph. Lucas looked back and forth between them. 

"What?" Lucas asked again. 

"You seem happier," Ralph said, raising his eyebrows and lifting his mug to his lips. 

"I guess?"

"What's up?" Milan asked slyly, putting his cheek on his palm, looking at him. 

Lucas smiled uncomfortably, setting his sandwich back down and pulling his legs up so he sat criss-cross, trying not to bump Milan. He shrugged, his smile growing. 

"Talk to us," Ralph said. He set his chin on his fist, leaning partway across the table to focus intently on Lucas. 

"Uhm..." 

Lucas scoffed quietly and covered his face with his hands, not knowing what to say. When he lowered his hands, they were both still staring at him. 

"Something's up. I can feel it," Ralph said, speaking quietly, cryptically. "In my bones."

Lucas snorted and put his elbows on the table, holding his head in his hands. 

"You guys know Jens," he started.

"Oh my god," Ralph interrupted. Lucas started laughing, rubbing his cheek bashfully. "Are you—Are you serious?" Ralph's jaw dropped and he leaned further across the table to look into Lucas's eyes. 

Lucas nodded slowly and grinned at him. 

"Are! You! Serious!"

"Wait, what's going on?" Milan looked back and forth between the two of them, his eyes wide.

Ralph turned to Lucas to explain. Lucas turned, pulling his leg up in front of him, setting his chin on his knee and wrapping his arms around his leg.

"So basically..." He paused, wondering if it was okay to talk about Jens. "You can't tell anyone, yeah?"

Milan nodded, smiling as he seemed to realise. 

"We're kind of... seeing each other?"

" _Lucas_!" Milan reaches out and hugged him, rocking back and forth excitedly. Lucas hugged him back, laughing into his shoulder. 

"When? How? Tell us!" Ralph said. 

"Okay, so..." He adjusted in his seat so he was looking at Ralph too. "We've been like... flirting and stuff. We kissed." He left out the other stuff he knew they would tease him relentlessly for. He looked down and smiled. "I met his mom and sister."

Ralph squealed and clapped his hands as Milan quietly said, "Oh my god, so cute." 

"I think we're going to have dinner with them," Lucas said. 

"Oh my _god_!" Milan grabbed Lucas's shoulder again and Lucas dropped his head, his eyes almost closed because of how wide his smile was.

"I'm so happy for you," Ralph said, cocking his head to the side and smiling fondly. 

Lucas smiled back.

"I'm not telling anyone back home, though," he said worriedly. Ralph touched his index finger and thumb together and dragged them across his lips, miming zipping his mouth shut.

Lucas paused before saying, "He called me his boyfriend." He pulled his shoulders up, shrugging happily.

"You're a boyfriend!" Milan squealed, shaking Lucas by the shoulders. 

"You _have_ a boyfriend!" Ralph added.

"I have a boyfriend!"

"You have a boyfriend!" Milan shook him again.

Lucas let him, laughing.


	43. Woensdag 20:54

**LUCAS**  
"You know what we haven't done in a while?" 

Lucas couldn't help but smile into his pillow at Jens's voice. He shifted slightly, moving the phone closer to his head on the bed, on speakerphone. 

"What?"

"Hang on."

He waited, hearing Jens tap gently on his phone screen, the sound gentle and quiet. He focused on it until it was the only sound he heard, the fan and street sounds outside muting. 

"Okay. What's your biggest addiction?" Jens asked. 

Lucas's smile grew. He'd forgotten about the questions. 

"Crack cocaine."

Jens scoffed. "Okay, Lucas." Lucas liked hearing Jens say his name. He made it sound pretty. Special. 

"Uhm..." Lucas shifted on his bed again, rolling onto his stomach and holding the pillow under his chest and chin. He moved the phone in front of him and closed his eyes. "You."

Jens was quiet. Lucas put his face in his pillow, grinning, his eyes scrunched shut. As the silence got longer, he lifted his head, wincing. 

"Was that weird?" he asked, trying not to giggle. 

Jens sighed. 

"No, it was just..." Lucas cringed, waiting. Jens sighed again. "Hot." 

The giggle broke loose, and Lucas stuffed his face back into the pillow, muffling it. He heard Jens laughing on the other end. 

"You're stupid," Lucas said when he could. 

"You're the one that just said I'm your biggest addiction!"

"Yeah, that's because _you're_ hot!" 

"Oh my god..."

Lucas giggled again. He was happy he could tell Jens he was hot. He needed to know.

"You are," he said.

"Okay, sure."

"You don't think you're hot?"

"I can't say that I view myself as hot, no." 

"Well fuck." Lucas heard Jens laugh. Jens sounded different over the phone, like he was right next to him, letting breathy laughs into his ear, but miles and miles away at the same time. 

"Okay, my turn, hold on." 

Lucas quickly searched questions to ask Jens, scrolling through ones he found boring, pausing at one's that were interesting, before finally asking, "Would you rather dye your hair neon green for the rest of your life, or have one eyebrow for the rest of your life?"

"Oh, uhm..." Jens paused. "By one eyebrow do you mean like...a left eyebrow and a shaved right, or like a unibrow?" 

"I—" Lucas hadn't even considered it. "Which would you rather have?" 

"Well, I'd rather have a unibrow than just a left or right brow. But I think I'd rather have green hair than a unibrow." 

" _Neon_ green, though?" 

"You don't think it would look good on me?"

"I think anything would look good on you."

"Unibrow?"

"...Yes."

"You hesitated."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"I just think you have nice eyebrows right now."

"You like my eyebrows?"

"I like your everything. Including your eyebrows."

"Good to know."


	44. Donderdag 13:18

trigger warning: homophobic speech  
 **JENS**  
"I don't know, it's just kind of weird isn't it?" 

Jens listened to the two girls sitting nearby his table and Aaron, Moyo, and Robbe talked about a class they all shared together. 

"I guess? I just don't really get it," the girl responded to her friend. 

"Well, of course, you don't, you're not one of them."

"But why both, can't they just, like, pick a side?"

"It's just so they have more choices." She was quiet for a second before continuing, "That's why you have to be careful if you're dating one, they're more likely to cheat." 

Jens realized what they were talking about.

Him. 

"Oh, true." She sighed. "Gay guys are cute. I don't mind them. Kind of a waste when they're hot, but it's whatever. Lesbians, though..."

"Oh, god." 

Jens glanced at them and saw that they both were making disgusted faces. His stomach dropped.

"So uncomfortable. I heard there's one in our gym class. Ew."

"I heard there's a bi guy in history. I bet it's Adam. He seems so gay."

"I think being 'bi'" —she did finger quotes— "is just him trying to _kind_ of normal before saying he's gay. He's just trying not to be gay."

"Mm."

Jens realized the guys had fallen quiet while the girls spoke. He turned to look at them and caught Robbe's eye. Robbe looked at him sadly before looking at his food in front of him, swallowing. Jens looked at Moyo, who sat in front of him. 

Moyo was glaring the girls, not noticing Jens looking at him.

"Can you both shut the fuck up?" Moyo said. Jens raises his eyebrows, surprised. Robbe looked at Moyo and then Jens, looking startled.

"I'm sorry?" one of them said. She looked offended like she had a right to be. Moyo leaned closer.

"Shut the fuck up."

Jens suppressed a smile as the girls both scoffed and looked at each other before grabbing their things and pushing themselves up, their movements aggressive. They walked away, rolling their eyes and looking at each other with looks that read _Can you believe them?_

Moyo continued to glare at them until he finally turned to look at Jens when they were out of sight. Jens gave him a smile.


	45. Donderdag 17:38

**LUCAS**  
Lucas moved his computer off his lap and grabbed his phone when it buzzed, assuming Jens had sent him a text message. He was right. 

_Hey_

Lucas texted back. 

_Hey_

_Are you busy?_

_I just finished my homework_   
_Everything okay?_

_Yeah_   
_Can I call you? Video?_

_Of course_

Lucas rolled onto his stomach, tucking the pillow under his chest and chin, setting his phone against his headboard, and waited until Jens's name appeared on his screen, and then accepted the call. He smiled as Jens's face showed up, and could tell Jens was sitting against his wall on his bed.

"Hey, cutie."

Lucas snorted, his eyes sparkling with affection. The butterflies had apparently just decided to move into his stomach since that holiday party. 

"Hi," Lucas said shyly. Jens seemed quiet. "Are you okay?" He adjusted the pillow, setting his chin on his the back of his hand. Jens looked away from his phone for a second before looking back at Lucas and forcing a smile. He nodded. 

"What happened?" Lucas asked seriously. He propped himself up on his elbows, his eyebrows drawing together.

"Nothing it's just..." Jens sighed. "Some girls were saying stuff today during lunch." 

"Stuff? About what?"

"Stuff about bi people. About gay people. And lesbians." He paused. "They don't know about me. Or Robbe apparently, he was there too."

"God." Lucas dropped himself back onto his pillow, propping his head up. "I'm sorry."

"They were saying, like, that we're more likely to cheat. That lesbians make them uncomfortable. That gay guys are...weird." 

So Jens was bi. Cool. 

"That's shitty," Lucas said, not knowing what else to say, or what could comfort him.

"Yeah." Jens sighed, and shifted, laying down with his head propped against the pillow against his wall, holding his phone in his lap so Lucas could see him. "Anyway."

"Anyway."

They stared at each other for a second, soft smiles on both their faces.

"My mom likes you," Jens said abruptly. 

Lucas took a second, startled, before responding. 

"I'm glad. She seems nice."

"She is."

"And Lotte seems nice."

"Lotte is...a handful."

_So am I. You have no idea._

"She seems cool, though. Do you guys hang out a lot?" Lucas asked, trying to rid himself of the thought. 

"Often enough. She's sweet, she's just...a kid, you know?"

"Yeah."

They gazed at each other again. Lucas's butterflies fluttered. 

"You finished your homework, you said?" Jens asked. 

"Mmhm. Why? Can you come over?"

Jens sighed.

"No, my mom needs me to clean the kitchen when she's done cooking. She's going back to work after. Filling in for someone." 

"Mm." Lucas frowned sympathetically.

"Why? What did you have in mind?" Jens wiggles his eyebrows at Lucas suggestively and Lucas scoffed at him.

"Oh my god."

"Am I trying too hard?" Jens was laughing too. 

"I mean..."

"Oh my god, it worked?"

Lucas laughed out loud.

"I mean..." 

Jens began to laugh harder, his eyes almost closing under his smile. Lucas thought it was precious. He stared at Jens, still laughing, until Jens's laughter slowed down.

"What?" Jens asked. Luca hasn't realised he was staring at Jens. Gazing at Jens. 

"You're beautiful."

JENS  
He said it like it was obvious, like _of course_ that's why he was looking him, why else? Jens's heart skipped a beat.

"Okay." He felt his voice almost crack.

Lucas made a face like he was thinking and then said, "I like your face."

"Why thank you."

"A good face."

"I like your face too."

Lucas smiled. Jesus. They were like middle schoolers in their first relationship. Jens loved it.

"I like your hands, too," Lucas said.

"What about my hands?" Jens quirked his eyebrows at him.

"They're _pretty_ , you idiot." Lucas's face turned pink. 

Jens laughed and held his phone up, switching the camera to direct it at his hand. He held his hand out and wiggled his fingers, watching as Lucas lifted his chin to watch, smiling.

"Pretty?" Jens said. 

"Very."

Jens scoffed and said, "You're weird."

Jens's heart practically palpitated when he heard Lucas giggle.

LUCAS  
"Oh hey, guess what?" Jens asked. 

"What?"

"Tomorrow's my birthday."

" _What?_ " Lucas sat up, holding his phone in front of him. His jaw dropped, his eyes wide, as he repeated, " _What?_ "

Jens began to giggle, covering his mouth and nodding, his eyes squinting under his laughter.

"Tomorrow is _what?_ " Lucas looked around his room, at the small pile of clothes he had tossed on the ground. "I don't — I don't have anything for you!" 

"No, you don't need anything!" Lucas watched as Jens sat up.

"But... It's your birthday."

Jens waved his hand dismissively.

"I don't need anything."

Lucas laid back down, looking at Jens softly.

"What are you doing to celebrate?"

"Uh," Jens sighed, leaning back. "Probably not much. The guys will probably do something at school. My mom is making pizza for dinner."

Lucas scoffed. "You do like pizza."

"I do like pizza." Jens paused. "Do you want to come over for dinner?"

Lucas stared for a second.

"Really?"

Jens furrowed his brow and nodded, like _Obviously_. Lucas grinned, his eyes almost disappearing.

"Yeah, that sounds fun."

"If you don't think it'll be weird. Dinner with my mom and sister."

" _Birthday_ dinner," Lucas emphasised, pretending to be upset. 

Jens grimaced, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah..." 

They stared at each other for a few seconds, their eyes softly smiling.

"So, dinner?" Jens asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah."

They both smiled, a little awkward and a little shy. 

Jens leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and propped his chin on his palm.

"Birthday dinner with my boyfriend."

Lucas's smile grew as he turned the words over in his head.

"Birthday dinner with your boyfriend."


	46. Vrijdag 19:09

**LUCAS**  
Lucas squeezed his fists in the pockets of his jacket before pulling one hand out and knocking on the door of Jens's apartment. Only a few seconds passed before the door swung open, revealing Jens, in a dark green t-shirt and blue jeans. 

He looked good. 

Lucas's eyes trailed down his body before looking back into Jens's. Jens smiled, almost smugly, and reached out, grabbing the lapel of his jacket and pressing a kiss to Lucas's mouth.

"Happy birthday, baby," Lucas said quietly. 

"Thank you." Jens pulled away and smiled again.

"Everything's good?" 

Jens slid his hand Lucas's chest to his neck and nodded, kissing him again, gently biting his lower lip. Lucas smiled against his mouth. 

As they pulled away he heard, "Hi!" and looked over Jens's shoulder to see Lotte, who was grinning brightly. 

"Hi!" Lucas responded, gently pushing Jens back, his fingers pressing gently against his chest. "How are you?" 

"Good." She bounced over and grabbed Jens's leg, looking at Lucas. "I'm hungry."

"Well, it's a good thing we're going to eat dinner, isn't it?"

Jens kissed Lucas's forehead before pulling him inside and shutting the door behind him. Jens led the way into the kitchen and dining room area and Lucas followed, his eyes making their way across his body again before he looked to Lotte.

"Can you guess what Mama made for dinner?" 

Lucas twisted his mouth and scrunched his nose, pretending to think hard. 

"Did she make...food?" 

"Hey!" Lotte swatted at his leg and he laughed. "That doesn't count."

As they entered the kitchen, Lucas quickly glanced up at the counter, seeing a colourful salad in a clear bowl next to a fresh pizza. He laughed at Lotte and pretended to think again. 

"Did she make...pizza?"

"You looked!" She swatted at him again and he caught her hand, quickly spinning around so she twirled. Her skirt spun around her. 

As she giggled, Jens's mother turned toward them, holding two empty glasses, and set them on the dining table before reaching out to Lucas. 

"Hello, darling," she said as Lucas let go of Lotte and reached out to her as well, hugging her gently. 

"Hi, Mrs Stoffels." Lucas froze, remembering that Jens's dad had left them, not knowing if the name was his or hers. 

"How are you?" She let go and looked at him, holding his shoulders. 

"I'm alright." 

He offered her a smile and she nodded, then turned to Jens and said, "What, you're not going to take his coat? What kind of host are you?" 

"Oh!" Jens jumped and reached for Lucas's coat as he took it off, laughing. "He probably would have left me wearing mine, too," Jens said defensively.

"Probably," Lucas said. Jens made a face at him. 

Jens hung Lucas's jacket on the back of a seat, pulling the seat back and motioning for Lucas to sit. 

"Oh, a gentleman." Lucas sat in the seat and watched fondly as Jens did the same for Lotte. She sat next to Lucas. 

"Lucas, would you like some salad?" Mrs Stoffels asked as she carried the bowl over. She set it on the table and pulled salad servers out of the pocket of her apron, holding them up like she'd just finished a magic trick. 

"Oh, yes please, it looks beautiful." Lucas moved his salad bowl toward her awkwardly. 

"So sweet." She served him and handed him his bowl. "Jens, why can't you be more like Lucas?" 

Jens looked over from making faces at Lotte and raised his hands, palms up, jutting his chin out. Lucas laughed.

"It's my birthday, you people can't treat me like this," he said, and they laughed. 

"I'll be a good influence on him, ma'am, I promise." She chuckled lightly and winked at him, reaching across the table to pick up Jens's salad bowl.

"I don't need an influence," Jens said defiantly, setting his hands on the table. He was dramatic. 

"Yes, you do," Mrs Stoffels and Lotte said simultaneously. They both gasped and pointed at each other as Lucas laughed loudly, looking at Jens's offended face. 

"Hey!" Jens began to laugh as well, his jaw still dropped in his hurt facade. Mrs Stoffels held Jens's bowl out to Lucas, and Lucas set it in front of him. 

"Eat your vegetables."

Jens scoffed, letting out a, " _What?_ " 

As she finished serving salads, Mrs Stoffels quietly muttered, "Eat your vegetables," giggling to herself. 

"I came here for a good time, and I'm feeling very attacked," Jens said, making his voice crack, pretending to be hurt. 

Lucas laughed again and reached over, taking his hand. He squeezed it gently. Jens smiled at him. 

\- - -

 **JENS**  
"Lotte, why don't you help me with dessert? Boys, you can wait in the living room." Mama smiled at Jens as he and Lucas stood from the table. Jens made his way to the door and held it open as Lucas gathered his and Jens's dishes, carefully stacking them and then placing them on the counter next to the sink. Mama smiled at him and then looked at Jens, gesturing to Lucas. _You see this?_ her movements read. Jens rolled his eyes and smiled. 

Lucas squeezed between Jens and the door, and Jens laughed quietly at him trying to struggle subtly. 

Jens sat next to Lucas on the sofa. They looked at each other awkwardly and Lucas giggled. 

"I like your mom."

"You like making fun of me with support from my mother, that's what you like." Jens leaned closer slightly as they laughed. 

"That's fun, too."

Jens pulled his legs up onto the sofa between them, sitting crisscross, and leaning back against the armrest. He used his arms to adjust himself and then looked up at Lucas, who was on the other side of the sofa. 

"You're too far away."

"You're the one who moved!"

"Come closer!"

"Oh my god." Lucas rolled his eyes affectionately and crawled across the sofa, reaching out and grabbing the back of Jens's neck. 

Jens leaned into him as Lucas kissed him softly, pressing his palms to Lucas's cheeks, pulling him in closer, kissing him harder. Lucas hummed quietly against his mouth, and Jens opened his lips. 

Lucas slid his hand into Jens's hair as he moved his body closer, pushing Jens's legs apart so he could sit between them, pressing his other hand to the small of Jens's back, pulling him in. 

There was a clatter in the kitchen, and Jens pulled away, gazing at Lucas's face, his eyes skimming down from Lucas's to his freckles and lips. 

Jens licked his lips and leaned in again, pressing his mouth to Lucas's softly, before pulling away and moving his face down, gently kissing Lucas's jaw and neck sweetly. Lucas giggled when Jens reached just below his ear. 

Jens continued peppering Lucas's skin with kisses until they heard, "You can take this one to Lucas," and the door to the kitchen open, and he pushed Lucas back, his hand over his heart, and Lucas looked at him with a smile and wide eyes. 

Lotte turned into the living room, holding a bowl, and froze when she saw how the two boys were sitting on the sofa.

"Were you kissing?" she asked, sounding suspicious. 

"Yes," Jens answered, shifting so he and Lucas were sitting side by side. 

"I knew it," she said under her breath, holding Lucas's bowl out for him. "Can I sit next to you?" 

"Of course."

She grinned and bounced out of the room. Jens turned to look at Lucas, reaching an arm around him and pulling him close, pressing a kiss to his temple. 

"She likes you." 

"I'm glad she does." Lucas took a bite of his ice cream. Jens gazed at him for a second before kissing him again, Lucas tilting his head slightly so Jens could get his cheek. Lucas was smiling. 

Mama walked in holding two bowls and held one out to Jens (he took it in his left hand; he didn't want to let go of Lucas) and sat on the other sofa. Lotte jumped up onto the sofa next to Lucas, who was leaning into Jens's side. 

They watched the Smurfs and ate vanilla ice cream. Jens was happy.


	47. Zaterdag 12:19

trigger warning // some slight homophobic speech  
 **JENS**  
 _You're coming over still, right?_

Jens smiled at the message from Lucas. They had made plans to hang out, or _make_ out, at Lucas's hotel room, and Lucas had checked in with him, now for the third time. 

_Yes of course_

He grabbed his jacket off his door handle and began to make his way to the front door before his mother called out to him. 

"Wait, Jens, phone!" She appeared out of the living room, looking stressed and kind of upset. Jens's brows furrowed at her, his chin dipping slightly, asking what was wrong. She shook her head and held out a finger. _Just a second._

Jens pulled his phone back out of his pocket and sent Lucas another message. 

_I might be a bit late_   
_there's suddenly a phone call that's demanding my attention_

Lucas responded quickly. 

_that's okay! I'll work on homework in the meantime_   
_text me when you're on your way :)_

Mama held the phone out for Jens. Jens looked at her carefully before taking it. Her nostrils were flared, her bottom lip quivering, her hands shaking.

"Mama..." 

She shook her head again, and waved the phone at him, turning away. He took it and slowly raised it to his ear. 

"Hello?"

"Hello, son." The voice was deep and gravelly, the same voice that had yelled at him, cursed at him, that had made him feel like utter shit for so long. The same voice that would try to have screaming matches with Mama, even though she always diffused the situation, even though she would leave the room. The same voice Jens would hear through the walls at night complaining about how much of a burden he was, how much of a burden it was to care for a child, and eventually how much of a burden Lotte was. The same voice that called Jens names, names that he still remembered, still heard. Names that Jens called himself as he tried to hide. 

His father. 

"Fucking hell." Jens turned away from his mother and went back into his room with the phone. "What do you want?" he asked, shutting the door behind himself. 

He hadn't heard from his father in a long time, in years. He'd left soon after Lotte was born. After he'd just had a _baby_. He'd left Mama to take care of both of them, left Jens to grow up too fast so he could care for them. 

"I just wanted to talk to you. Wish you a happy birthday. "

"What _ever_. How many birthdays have you missed? Without a fucking call or letter? Or—"

"Jens, I know it's been a while—"

"You make it sound like we haven't seen each other in a few days. Or like you lost your internet and haven't been able to send us an email." Jens's heart was beating fast. He could feel it in his chest, a sign that he was about to lose his temper. "You didn't. You didn't send us any emails, any letters, you never called on our birthdays, or when Lotte started school, or when I started high school. You never did anything. Why should I have to listen to you now, why should I want to talk to you now?"

He was quiet for a second. 

"Jens, I know, I'm sorry." 

"What's happened now? Do you need money?" 

Silence. 

"Jesus. You really are a piece of shit aren't you?"

"Don't you dare talk to your father like that." His voice raised as well. 

" _My father?_ Are you a father, is that what you call yourself?" Jens started pacing, from his door to his desk, around his bed, grabbing a pillow and swinging it around, just for something to do with his hands. "Do you tell people you're a father?"

"Jens—"

"You're not a father." Jens stilled. "Even when you were pretending to be one you were a shitty father. You made me feel awful. You still make me feel awful."

"How did I do that?" His tone sounded like he really had no idea. 

"You called me names, made fun of me for _everything_." Jens's voice cracked. "You wouldn't let me have anything, you wanted me to be a fucking man when I was a child. I liked one thing, and that meant I was a fucking _faggot_ , I liked another thing and it meant I was..." Jens trailed off, catching his breath, trying not to cry. 

"I never meant any of those things." He laughed lightly like he was trying to calm Jens down. It didn't work. 

"I don't care. The words still came out of your mouth." Jens took a deep breath. "And the worst part is that I still hear your voice. I still hear you calling me those things, even though I haven't seen you in years. Even though you haven't called me those things in years. You said those things to a _child_ , to _your_ child."

"I know, Jens. I just want to make things right."

"No." 

He didn't get to do that. He walked out. He didn't get to walk back in like he didn't slam the door shut behind himself. 

"We're doing okay now. Lotte is in school, and she's fucking brilliant. Top of her class. We have enough money to pay rent and get food, and birthday gifts. Mom is happy. I'm happy." He couldn't stop. "I have a boyfriend, and everything is _fine_."

His father was quiet for a second. "A boyfriend?" He laughed lightly. "So I was right."

Jens scoffed. "Go fuck yourself."

"Jens—"

" _Yeah_. A boyfriend. And he's great. He came over for dinner last night, and Mama loves him, and Lotte fucking _adores_ him, and I think that if you weren't such an asshole, you'd love him." Jens caught his breath. 

"And maybe if you weren't such an asshole, you would love me too."

Before he could respond, Jens hung up.

His hands were shaking as he tossed the phone onto his bed before sitting on the edge of it, pressing his hands to his face and taking a deep breath. He felt as though he'd just confronted his worst fears.

He heard his door open and looked up, seeing Mama enter the room. She shut the door behind herself and sat next to Jens quietly. She gently pressed a hand to his back, smoothing it over his spine, and leaned forward, kissing his shoulder. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered against his shoulder. Jens shook his head and stood, her hand falling onto his bed beside her. 

"I'm going to Lucas's." His voice was still rough like he was going to cry. Maybe he was. 

"Okay." She looked down. "When will you be back?" She looked small. Old. She looked more tired than Jens had ever seen. 

"I don't know." He began to make his way to the door, before stopping and stepping closer to her, kissing the top of her head. "I'll text you later." She nodded. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Jens left. 

\- - -

LUCAS   
Lucas dropped his pen and book onto the floor when he heard a knock at his door. Jens hadn't texted beforehand, but he still assumed it was him. Either way, Lucas was glad to set aside his school work. He swung the door open.

"Hey—" He cut himself off when he saw Jens. His eyes were bloodshot, the skin around his eyes and nose red, rubbed. His top lip looked like it was bleeding, something Lucas recognized as something he did himself when he was anxious. Jens looked at Lucas, his chin down, and his bottom lip began to quiver like he was going to cry. "Hey."

Lucas reached out and wrapped his arms around Jens's neck, pulling him in tightly. He shushed him lightly as Jens pressed his face into Lucas's neck. 

Lucas pulled Jens into the room, shutting the door behind them, and stood with him at the entrance. He could feel Jens crying, feeling him shaking.

"It's okay," he whispered. "I've got you."

Jens tightened his arms around him.

He cried, and Lucas held him. He didn't let go. 

They swayed as they stood, Lucas holding him upright until his tears slowed and he groaned softly into Lucas's neck. Lucas slid his hands into his hair, scratching his scalp lightly, and hummed back to him. Jens squeezed Lucas's waist and slipped his fingertips under his shirt like he wanted to be as close as possible. His fingers were cold against Lucas's skin, but Lucas didn't mind. 

"Do you want to talk about it or not think about it?" Lucas whispered to him. 

He was quiet before saying, "I don't know," brokenly, almost silently. Lucas gently pushed him toward the bed, making him sit on the edge. Lucas set himself down in his lap almost mindlessly, keeping his hands in his hair. Jens slid his hands down Lucas's legs before sliding them back up to hold his waist. 

"Talk to me," Lucas said, pressing his forehead to Jens's. Jens sighed and closed his eyes. 

"My dad called."

Lucas pulled his head away and looked at him as Jens opened his eyes again. 

"Your dad..."

"The asshole, yeah."

"What did he want?"

"Who knows...I asked if he needed money and he didn't say anything, so..."

"Jesus."

"Yeah." 

Lucas moved his hands to Jens's neck, gently pressing his fingers under his jaw. He pressed his lips to Jens's forehead, not kissing him exactly, but just holding him there, holding onto him.

"What did you say to him?" he questioned, pulling away just enough that when he asked, his lips still brushed Jens's skin. 

"I kind of went off." 

Lucas smiled.

"And?"

Jens sighed. 

"I called him out for being a shitty dad. For saying the things he said to me. For ditching us." 

He leaned forward and kissed Lucas's throat softly. "Told him that we're all fine without him. That Lotte is really smart, and we have enough money, that I'm happy."

"Are you?" A whisper. 

He was quiet and closed his eyes. 

"Usually."

"Right now?" 

Jens leaned forward and kissed his neck again. He was so gentle. Lucas's heart hurt for him.

"Only because I have you." He kissed Lucas's mouth, so softly it felt like a gust of wind. 

"Talk to me," Lucas said when they pulled back.

Jens took a deep breath. 

"He used to say things...that I was gay because of just, things I would do. Play with dolls instead of cars. Help my mom with the laundry. Things like that. And now..." 

Lucas studied his face as he spoke. 

"I know there's nothing wrong with me. I know everything is okay. I have you, and I love having you...It's just that I can't help but feel like I'm proving him right, enforcing stupid stereotypes that assholes like him believe." He smoothed his hands over Lucas's back, and Lucas brushed his thumbs over her cheeks. "And I told him I have a boyfriend." 

Lucas leaned back slightly to see his face. 

"Really?"

"Yeah." Jens pressed his hands into the small of his back. "And he said, 'So I was right.'"

"Fuck, Jens..."

"I don't care what he thinks. I know it's okay, I know _we're_ okay." He pressed their foreheads together. "I just feel...guilty. And I hate it."

"Jens." Lucas put his fingers under Jens's chin, tilting his face up to look at him. "Baby, look at me."

Jens looked at him, and Lucas's heart split. 

He looked so tired, and desperate.

Broken.

Lucas shook his head lightly, barely moving. 

"It isn't your responsibility to prove or disprove _anything_ that _anyone_ says. Okay?" 

Jens nodded. 

"You just have to...live." 

Jens had a teary smile on his face, fondness taking over his eyes. Lucas pressed their foreheads together. 

"I think you're doing a pretty good job of that right now," Lucas whispered. Jens's smile grew. 

"Can I have a distraction now?" he asked. 

Lucas didn't hesitate before leaning in and crashing their mouths together, his fingers grabbing his throat as Jens's trailed down his legs. They kissed slowly, almost leisurely, the only sound in the room their breathing as Jens bit Lucas's bottom lip, as Lucas licked into Jens's mouth, as Jens grabbed at his hips, as Lucas pulled at his hair. 

As they pulled back to catch their breaths, Lucas felt Jens's hands slide under his shirt, his palms warm and his fingertips cold, and pull him closer. Lucas held onto Jens, his own fingertips digging into the nape of his neck, his thumb behind his ear. 

"You don't have to hide." 

The words erupted from Lucas's mouth without his own control, without a thought. They were soft, and for a second Jens didn't respond, and Lucas thought he didn't hear him. But then Jens responded at the same volume, the same softness. 

"I don't hide with you."

Lucas pulled Jens in, kissing him harder.

JENS   
Every time. 

Every time Lucas kissed him, the world just faded away. Nothing existed except them and the lack of space between them. Jens forgot about his father, forgot about the words running rampant through his mind, forgot about the guilt, the shame.  
Everything disappeared except Lucas in his arms.

Jens grabbed Lucas's legs, standing partially, enough to flip them over on the bed so Lucas was underneath him, and Lucas gasped. As Jens held himself over him, Lucas reached up, pulling Jens down over him and pressing a breathy, open kiss to his mouth. Jens let out a sound, something between a sigh and a moan, as he felt Lucas wrap his legs around his hips, pulling Jens on top of himself.

LUCAS  
Lucas liked hearing Jens. 

How his breath caught in his throat when Lucas did this or that, how he gasped or moaned. How he didn't try to silence himself, how he didn't try to be quiet. How he didn't try to hide.

Lucas didn't hide either, in moments like these.

He didn't try to cover up how fast he had to breathe, didn't try to cover up his moans (not since Jens made it clear he didn't want him to). He didn't try to hide, he didn't _have_ to hide. 

But in other moments, he felt that he did. 

Jens had enough shit to deal with, he didn't need Lucas's shit to deal with as well. He already had to worry about school, about his friends, about his mother and Lotte. And now, apparently, he had to worry about his father (if one could even call him that), too. So Lucas kept quiet. 

Funny how Lucas could tell Jens not to hide so effortlessly, but couldn't take the advice himself.


	48. Zondag 14:37

**LUCAS**  
Milan slammed the fridge door shut and Lucas jumped as he sat on the kitchen counter.

"Whoops." Milan set down the milk carton next to Lucas, reaching around him to grab a big bowl and spoon. 

"I still think it's weird that you're making pancakes at three in the afternoon," Lucas said as he leaned back against the closed cabinet. He pulled his leg up in front of him, balancing his phone on his knee dangerously. Milan gave him and his knee a look before shrugging and continuing to put ingredients together, spilling some flour on the counter. 

"Pancakes are food for the soul. They fit every time of day. Or night."

Lucas shrugged. He heard a door slam in the hallway and looked up as the kitchen door opened to reveal Ralph, finishing tucking his shirt in. 

"Couldn't do that in the bathroom?" Milan asked as he and Lucas stared. 

"No." Ralph finished and dropped his hands, taking a deep breath, and stretched, popping his back. Lucas made a face. 

"Hey!" Ralph pointed a finger at him. "When am I going to really meet this Jens?" 

Lucas felt his face heat up as a smile grew.

"I don't know, eventually?"

"Soon."

"Okay, dad." 

Ralph's jaw dropped, offended, and Lucas and Milan laughed. Milan mixed some milk into the bowl, stating, "He makes you so...smiley."

Lucas grinned again, not trying to hide it. Jens had that effect on him.

"Okay, mom," he said, looking at Milan, waiting for a reaction. It took a second before Milan reacted as he focused on mixing, getting lumps of flour out. 

"I'm not going to take offense to that, moms are badass. And if it means I had to deal with raising you?" He cut a look at Lucas. "I'm the _most_ badass."

" _Oh-kay_ ," Lucas got out, holding his finger up like he was going to defend himself before his words were cut off with laughter, which intensified when he saw Ralph laughing. "Bullies." 

"Hm." Milan bent over, examining the bowl closely, before straightening his back and mixing harder, more aggressively. "This damn flour," he muttered. 

"You should have sifted it first," Lucas said, leaning in slightly to look. Milan scraped the bottom of the bowl and dry flour trailed along the bottom, a gap in the batter.

"Because you're an expert on pancakes?"

"I bake with my mom sometimes. You clearly don't."

"What is going _on_ today?" Milan looked at Lucas, laughing, and Lucas giggled, his eyes and nose crinkling. 

His phone began to buzz, and he caught it before it dropped the ground. He smiled when he flipped it around and read who was calling. 

"Hey," he said into the phone after answering. 

"Hey, baby." He heard voices in the background behind Jens's voice, cooing and whistling, teasing. "What's up?"

"Nothing, really. Hanging out in Milan's kitchen while he makes pancakes."

"Pancakes?" 

"Yeah." Lucas looked at Milan pointedly and gestures to his phone. Weird, he mouthed. The voices spoke on Jens's side, muffled enough that he couldn't understand them, but not enough that he couldn't recognize Moyo bickering with Aaron. He heard Jens pull the phone away, his voice quiet as he said, "Shut the fuck up," to them. 

"Is that him?" Milan stage-whispered loudly. Lucas nodded. 

"We're fucking psychics," Ralph said from where he sat the dining table. Lucas scoffed and rolled his eyes at him.

"Where are you?" Lucas asked Jens. 

"Out and about. Would it be okay if we came over?"

Lucas pulled the phone away. "Can they come over?" he asked Milan. Milan looked up from the bowl ("that damn flour"). 

"Is Robbe with them?"

"I'm assuming Robbe with you guys?" he said into the phone. 

"Yeah." Lucas nodded. 

"They can come." Milan turned his attention back to the mixture, turning his mouth down into a frown. Lucas chuckled lightly at him. 

"Milan said yes."

"Ah, hell yeah." Jens said something to the guys and it sounded like they all kicked off on their skateboards. Lucas remembered that he still had Jens's. Which was his now. He smiled. 

"Oh, another thing."

"Yeah?" 

"Have you told Milan and Ralph about, uhm, about us?" Lucas heard Jens's board speed up, heard him kick off again. 

"Yeah, I've told them." He looked up at them and they both made aww faces, eyebrows turning up, mouths turning down. Ralph and Milan looked at each other. 

"Considerate!" Ralph said. Milan nodded. 

"So sweet." 

Lucas shushed then. "You can act as gay as you want," he said into the phone. 

"Ah, _hell_ yeah. Okay." He paused, probably looking across the street. "We'll be there in a few."

"Sounds good," Lucas said softly.

"Byeeeee!" The phone clicked off.

When Lucas looked up, (he'd ended up staring at the floor as he listened to Jens's voice) both Ralph and Milan were looking at him. Smiling. 

"Fuck off," Lucas said shyly.

\- - -

"Lucas, will you be my whisk holder?"

Lucas watched a video on his phone, absently responding, "I will be your whisk holder," and holding his hand out. When the whisk was placed in his hand, he startled slightly and set his phone down as he held the whisk over the mixing bowl. Milan used a large spoon, or a small ladle, to pour batter into the pan. 

The doorbell rang and Lucas nearly hopped off the counter before Ralph volunteered to answer it, seeing that Lucas was preoccupied with his whisk-holding.

"You'll see him in like ten seconds, you can wait, my little helper," Milan said without looking at him.

"I'm holding a whisk, that's barely helping."

"What would I do without you?"

As Lucas laughed, the kitchen door opened again, the guys coming in, Ralph, then Jens, then the rest. 

"Hey, Lu," Jens said quietly as he immediately went to him, stepping between his legs and leaning in close. He kissed him softly, slower than just a chaste greeting kiss, and both of them got lost in it, Jens's hands drifting from his pockets to Lucas's legs. The room was completely quiet, and neither of them noticed until Milan said sharply, "Whisk," as Lucas's whisk-holding hand floated away from the bowl, dripping some batter onto the countertop. 

"Oh, shit." Lucas pulled back and moved the whisk back over the bowl, his other hand reaching up to hold Jens's shoulder. Milan chuckled at him and took the whisk, stepping back from the stove and bringing it to his mouth to lick it.

"You guys are worse than Robbe and Sander," Aaron said, sitting at the table next to Ralph.

" _What_?" Robbe said, offended. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you two can barely keep your hands off each other." Aaron gestured to Jens and Lucas, where Jens had his head in the crook of Lucas's neck, gently kissing him before realizing what Aaron was talking about and pulling away. He turned, the small of his back to the edge of the counter, and leaned so his back was pressed to Lucas's chest. Lucas wrapped his arms around him.

"Yeah, says you," Robbe replied haughtily. He hopped up onto the table, sitting between Ralph and Aaron. 

"Yeah, you and Amber are insufferable," Moyo added as he took off his jacket and leaned against the wall. 

"Hey!" Aaron's jaw dropped. They all laughed. 

"You guys are cute together, though," Lucas said when it got quieter, remembering seeing them dancing at the New Years' party. It really was cute. They seemed very happy together. 

"Cuter than you guys," Aaron retorted, looking at Jens and then Lucas. 

" _Ohhh. _"__

__Everyone in the room laughed and Lucas wrapped his arms around Jens, pulling him closer and pressing his face cheek to Jens's. Jens brought his arms up, grabbing Lucas's._ _

__" _You wish!_ " they said simultaneously, giggling as Lucas peppered kisses across Jens's face and the back of his neck, and the boys laughed louder. _ _

__"They said it at the same time!"_ _

__"That's so cute!"_ _

__\- - -_ _

__Lucas's phone buzzed on the counter next to him. He took another glance around the room, at boys eating their afternoon pancakes, Jens still standing between his legs, and slid his right hand off of Jens's shoulder to grab his phone._ _

___Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Romans 12:9_ _ _

__Oh._ _

__Lucas's smile dipped._ _

__He didn't know how to respond. How to respond to a message that made him wonder about how much he was loved, if at all. He swallowed, reading the verse again._ _

__Hate what is evil._ _

__People hated people like Lucas. Hated Lucas._ _

__Was Lucas evil?_ _

__His hands shook slightly as he turned his phone off, still staring at the screen. His breath caught in his throat. He couldn't hear the guys speaking anymore, the noise of the room, the scraping of forks on plates, quiet chuckles, blurred together into a watery white noise._ _

__"Hey."_ _

__Lucas looked up, realizing his lips were pursed and relaxed his face as best he could. Jens's brows were turned upward, worried._ _

__"I said your name like three times. What's up?"_ _

__Lucas scanned his face, his mouth turning down, and shook his head. Jens kissed him softly, gently placing his hands on Lucas's hips._ _

__"You okay?"_ _

__"Mhmm." Lucas touched his face, forgetting there were other people in the room. "Are you?" he asked, changing the subject. "Has your dad called again?"_ _

__Jens sighed, sliding his hands down Lucas's thighs and rubbing his thumbs back and forth. He shook his head._ _

__"Hm."_ _

__"Hm." Jens paused, squeezing Lucas's legs for a second. "What's wrong?"_ _

__Lucas kissed him._ _

__"I'll tell you later."_ _

__"Okay."_ _

__They kissed again, deeper than before, Lucas biting Jens's lip slightly. Jens slid his hands around Lucas, pulling him closer by the small of his back. Jens hummed against his mouth, smiling._ _

__"Will you _please_ stop making out?" Aaron asked loudly, and Jens and Lucas broke apart momentarily, laughing, before pressing their smiles back together._ _


	49. Maandag 10:42

**LUCAS**  
Lucas pushed himself up on one elbow, stretching and groaning, his eyes squeezing shut, and sighed as he laid back down, facing the ceiling.

He stared for a few seconds before reaching to his bedside table and picked his phone up, nearly dropping it as it slipped between his fingers and catching it by just the corner. He'd managed to put his phone actually away instead of falling asleep with it on, next to his face. 

He had a message from Kes. 

_Hey, bro, how are things??_

Lucas hesitated, wondering what to say. He didn't want to say anything about Jens, not yet, wanted to tell Kes and Jayden and the rest in person about everything. Jens was really the only thing that had been happening. Of course, Lucas had hung out with Ralph and Milan, as well as Robbe, Moyo, and Aaron, but Jens was what Lucas's mind went to when he read "things." 

_Pretty good, I'm having fun :)_

Lucas's fingers hovered over the keyboard, thinking about what to say, and then gave up, not knowing what else he could add. He would answer whatever question Kes asked next as best he could when the time came. He swiped out of his chat with Kes and saw that he had a message from Jens.

He opened it and found a selfie Jens had sent a few hours before, most likely before he went off to school that morning. Jens was laying on his back, the phone held above his head, and had the bear Lucas had given him set on his bare chest, his lips in a pout. Lucas smiled at his screen, immediately holding the picture to save it. He texted back. 

_The best thing to wake up to_

He opened his photo album and opened the photo, considering setting it as his screensaver. His first thought was worrying about Kes or Jayden seeing it, and then remembered that he wasn't going back to Utrecht for a while. Fuck it. 

He smiled as he set it as his screensaver, zooming it out to "still" mode. Pressing the home button, he exited out of his photo album and turned his phone off, clicking it back on after a second to see his lock screen. 

Jens really was beautiful.


	50. Dinsdag 17:26

**JENS**  
"You never told me what happened on Sunday," Jens said, propping his chin on his palm. He was laying on his stomach, his phone set against the headboard of his bed. 

"What are you talking about?" He watched Lucas twist his back slightly before laying flat again. He and Lucas were mirroring each other, their positions the exact same, across busy streets, across the whole city. 

"At Milan's. Your demeanour changed, you were fine and then you looked...sad." Jens heard Lucas sigh. "You said you'd tell me what happened later."

"Yeah." Lucas dropped his head for a moment before looking back up at Jens. The light in his hotel room was soft, a little bit dim, a stripe of sunlight cast across Lucas's face. Jens didn't think Lucas had noticed. "My mom sent me another verse, it just..."

"What verse was it?"

"Uhm..." Lucas looked up, scrunching his face adorably. "I think it was Romans twelve... six? Twelve nine? Something like that." He paused and mussed his hair. "'Love must be sincere' Hate what is evil, cling to good or something." He sighed. 

"That sounds nice." Jens didn't know what to say. 

"I guess it is, it's just... I don't really know what to do with it. And the 'Hate what is evil' thing, I mean, there's so much that people hate in this world, especially in the name of religion. People think God hates certain people for doing this or that, and this or that isn't really always evil, it just people being people, you know?"

Jens stared, smiling softly.

"Yeah."

He saw Lucas's cheeks flush. 

"Sorry. Rambling."

"No, it's okay. I like hearing your voice."

Lucas smiled at him before looking away. 

"But yeah. I just... don't know what to do. Or say. Especially because my mom really believes in all of it so much, I don't want to say the wrong thing and hurt her." 

Not I don't want to say the wrong thing and make her mad. Hurt her.

Lucas really was good. 

"I think just... This might sound shitty, but like, humour her. She believes it and it's important to her so just let her have it. You aren't under any obligation to believe it or anything, and other people's beliefs aren't hers or yours. You know?"

"Mmhm." Lucas paused, twisting his mouth. "I just don't know where her beliefs lie. Like..." He dropped his hands from under his head and laid them flat on the bed, resting his chin on his forearms. "What she agrees with. What she condones."

There was a silence as Jens realized. 

"You haven't come out to her."

Lucas shook his head, looking guilty.

"That's okay," Jens said hurriedly, not wanting him to feel bad. It was okay that he hadn't come out to his mother, that he hadn't come out to his friends. He didn't have to yet, didn't have to at all if that's what he decided. "You don't have to."

"I know, I just kind of feel like I'm lying. We used to have a really close relationship. I used to tell her everything, I still do, kind of." He propped himself back up again. "I told her about the whole mess with Kes and Isa. Didn't tell her I fucked that up because I had a crush on Kes." He looked down sadly. "I told her I liked Isa."

"Mm."

Lucas looked back up at Jens, a sly smile on his face. 

"Jealous?"

"Little bit." It was true. The first time he'd seen the pictures of Kes he'd wondered if he was Lucas's boyfriend. And he got why Lucas had had a crush on him, he was very pretty. 

Not as pretty as Lucas, of course.

"You don't have to be, I like another guy now."

"Yeah? Do I know him?" He looked at Lucas's face. The mood had shifted and Lucas's eyes were sparkling. 

"Yeah, you might." Lucas sat up, sitting crisscross. "I think he goes to your school. He's kind of a dork, he likes space and movies. But obviously he's not a true film fan; he's never seen the '96 version of Romeo and Juliet." Lucas nodded knowingly.

"I see." Jens nodded, pretending to think about it. 

"Also he likes greasy food. And he's _really_ pretty." Lucas raised his eyebrows pointedly. "He's... Oof."

"Yeah?" Jens suppressed a smile. 

"Fucking _gorgeous._ God _damn._ " Lucas pretended to swoon and threw himself onto his back.


	51. Woensdag 11:49

**LUCAS**  
Lucas stopped, pulling his phone out of his pocket as it buzzed and gestured to Ralph, telling him to wait. Ralph grabbed Milan's shoulder before he wandered too far without them. 

Lucas smiled as he read Jens's name on his phone, pressing answer and tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder, turning so his back was to the group of people outside the mall. 

"Hey, Lu." Jens's voice was quiet like he was doing the same as Lucas, hiding his face from people.

"Hey, what's up?"

"So, I meant to tell you this morning but I forgot, so basically," Jens's voice cut off momentarily, and then returned slightly quieter, "on Friday, you need an overnight bag and you have to meet me outside my apartment building. Okay?" 

"...Yes?" Lucas was confused. And curious. "What are you planning exactly?" 

"You'll see. I have to go, I'll talk to you later." Lucas could hear Jens's smile in his voice.

"Okay, me too. I'll interrogate you tonight."

Jens laughed on the other side of the line.

"I'll reveal nothing. Bye, baby."

"Bye."

"LUCAS."

Lucas jumped, also dropping his phone in the road, and grabbed the signpost as he turned. He saw that Ralph and Milan had somehow been carried away by crowds of people.

"Oh, fuck!" Lucas stuffed his phone in his pocket and tried to quickly manoeuvre his way to them, laughing. 

At least they couldn't hear him.


	52. Woensdag 12:27

**JENS**  
Jens pulled his backpack straps, hiking his bag up as he stood with Moyo and Robbe, watching Aaron kiss Amber for what had to the twentieth time in the last three minutes. He sighed and stretched his back, looking at Robbe and rolling his eyes, laughing. 

Finally, Aaron approached them, and Moyo gently swatted at his shoulder. 

"You take too fucking long to say goodbye, bro," Moyo said. Aaron hit him back and then turned to Jens. 

"Hey, I have a question."

Jens stared with wide eyes, his hands tightening on his backpack. 

"Okay? That's a little alarming."

"Uhm..." Aaron stepped closer and lowered his voice. "Are you telling other people about you and Lucas?" 

"Oh." Jens looked away for a second leaned back, shifting his weight on his feet. "I don't know."

"Okay." Aaron nodded. "I just didn't want to bring it up to Amber in case she told Jana and it just...yeah."

"You haven't told Amber?" Moyo sounded surprised.

"No, I didn't want to out Jens."

"I haven't told anyone. I don't know if I will yet," Jens said. "Lucas isn't out to his friends yet either." 

That was one reason Jens didn't want to tell others. 

Aaron nodded, and said something to Moyo, something Jens didn't really hear.

Something about telling other people scared Jens. Made him feel trapped. It felt so permanent, like if anything happened, everything would collapse.

Jens tucked his hands into his pockets, his shoulders pulling up slightly, uncomfortable.

He didn't want to force Lucas to come out to anyone, even people Lucas didn't really know well. Didn't want to make Lucas feel pressured to come out to his own friends. He didn't lie when he told Lucas he didn't mind being a secret. It really didn't bother him to not be public, he wasn't desperate to post a mushy selfie with Lucas on his Instagram.

In a way, Jens was scared of _being._ People knowing he existed, people seeing the things he posted, people talking about it, talking about him. 

It made his heart pound.

Jens startled as he felt a thump against his arm, looking up from the spot on the pavement he'd been staring at to Robbe, who raised his eyebrows at him. 

"You okay?"

"Mm." Jens nodded, dropping his shoulder enough for Robbe to nod and look away.


	53. Dondersdag 17:48

**JENS**  
Jens kicked his shoes off, dropping his backpack off his shoulder to the floor, and stepped into the living room, leaning over the back of the sofa and pressing a kiss to the top of Lotte's head, and then another kiss to his mother's head.

"Hi, Mama." He made his way around the sofa, plopping himself down between them, and wrapped his arm around Lotte. She grabbed his hand, gripping his fingers, and didn't look away from the television.

"Hi, darling." Jens's mom leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. "You have a good day?"

"Mhmm." Jens put his head on hers and then lifted it, turning to look at her. "Hey, uhm, by the way." She looked at him from under her eyelashes, not moving her head.

"Yes?"

"Tomorrow I'm spending the night with Lucas."

"Here?"

"No," Jens said, unsure of how to tell her what the plan was. "I'm taking him somewhere."

"Mhmm." 

She had a slight smile on her face, but there was still an air of uneasiness from last Saturday. The two of them hadn't spoken much through the week, hadn't spoken much since Jens's father called.

Jens hadn't asked about if he'd called again, throughout the week or after Jens left. Just thinking about his father made his throat tighten, his breathing restrict, his knee bounce up and down. He didn't ask right now, not in front of Lotte, who didn't even know her father.

Jens sighed, straightening his back and stretching his legs out in front of himself, stopping them from moving anxiously.

"When will I see you again?" his mother asked, turning her head slightly to look at him.

"Saturday afternoon maybe?" He tightened his arm around Lotte and she scooted closer to him, leaning into his chest. Their mom smiled softly at them. "I'll text you if plans change, yeah?"

"That works."


	54. Vrijdag 19:47

**LUCAS**  
Lucas's skateboard skidded to a stop outside Jens's building and he pulled his phone out of his pocket, pausing his music. He pulled open his messages, not seeing anything new. 

Seconds later, still looking at his phone, he heard a loud noise next to him on the ground and jumped, looking up abruptly to find Jens grinning at him excitedly. He'd just dropped his skateboard to the ground and was looking back at Lucas, already reaching out to kiss him. 

"Hey."

"You scared me," Lucas said, leaning forward and kissing him softly. He pulled his earbuds out and pushed them into the pocket on the side of his duffle bag after unplugging them from his phone. "What exactly are we doing?"

"You'll see. You brought clothes and stuff?"

"Yes?"

Jens nodded and kissed him again before stepping on his board and motioning with his chin to go. 

"Okay..." 

Lucas followed.

—-

"Come on." 

Lucas watched as Jens stepped on the back of his board, hopping onto the sidewalk and making his way to a door, board in hand. The door was to a motel, a motel that looked rundown and old. Lucas smiled, wondering what Jens was planning, and stepped through the door that Jens was holding open for him. 

"Okay..."

He followed Jens to the front desk, where a girl, their age, or just a few years older, sat. Jens stepped up, placing an arm on the counter and looking across at her.

"How can I help you?" she asked after hitting a few keys on the desktop in front of her. She looked at Jens and smiled, glancing at Lucas briefly before turning back to Jens, leaning closer to him and tossing her hair over her shoulder. 

"Hi, I made a reservation for tonight. Stoffels." Jens smiled, oblivious to the fact that she was very clearly flirting with him.

Lucas felt a slight pang in his chest and stepped closer to Jens. The lady looked up at him when he moved and looked at his skateboard. 

"I can take that!" she said and reached out. "I can put it right under here." 

Lucas held his board up and Jens held his up slightly so she could take it too. As she put the boards under the counter, he placed his hand gently on Jens, sliding it across his back. Jens seemed to get his message, standing up straight and placing his own hand on Lucas's head, his fingers in his curls, and pulling him closer so he could kiss his forehead.

Lucas looked at the girl across the counter, seeing realization dawn on her face even as she pretended she wasn't looking. He suppressed a smile. 

"You're our only guests tonight," she said, scrolling down on her computer. "We're not a very popular motel." She laughed lightly and reached behind herself, grabbing a key off the wall and handing it to Jens. 

"It works for us." Jens wrapped an arm around Lucas's shoulders. "Thank you."

"Enjoy your stay." She smiled at Lucas, winking subtly. Lucas blushed, smiling back, and she turned back to the computer. 

Jens guided Lucas to the elevator, dangling the key in front of Lucas's face, saying "Top floor," in a sing-songy voice. Lucas snatched the keys from Jens's hand and stuck them in his own pocket, quirking his eyebrows at Jens. Jens scoffed at him and let go, stepping away from him to press the button to the elevator.

Lucas watched him, his eyes soft, as Jens turned to look back at him, doing a silly dance as he came closer. Lucas snorted and grabbed Jens's hand as they stepped into the elevator. Lucas twirled to face the doors, watching them close, and watched Jens press the button. He stepped out as the elevator lurched into motion and Jens stuck a hand out in front of him, ready to catch him, before chuckling quietly. 

"Are there any cameras in here?" Lucas asked, not able to hold back anymore. Jens looked around the elevator, Lucas watching his neck and jaw and biting his lip. 

"I don't see any." Jens looked back at Lucas, a knowing look in his eye. 

"Good." Lucas pushed himself forward, grabbing Jens's face and slamming his mouth against Jens's, his lips open. Jens grinned against Lucas, stepping forward so Lucas fell against the wall of the elevator, sliding his hands across his waist, his fingers catching Lucas's sweatshirt. 

Lucas let out a quiet sound as he felt Jens lick his lower lip, his jaw-dropping from mindlessness and to let Jens's tongue in. His fingers made their way to Jens's hair, pulling harder than he meant to, eliciting high pitched moan from Jens, Jens sliding his hands down Lucas's waist, hips, until he pulled Lucas's thighs up. Lucas let Jens lift him and Jens pressed him harder against the wall so it held most of Lucas's weight. 

Lucas wrapped his legs around Jens's waist, pulling him closer until there was no space between them, and then pulling him closer still. 

There was never a close enough when it came to Jens. 

He pulled back, tugging Jens's bottom lip between his teeth, and then dropped his head momentarily to take a breath before lowering his face to Jens's jaw, pressing breathy, open-mouthed kisses to his skin, his control diminishing until he was just trailing his lips across Jens, breathing heavily as Jens squeezed his legs and pushed against him harder.

"Fuck." Jens moaned and tilted his head back as Lucas ran his lips over his ear, taking the silver hoop between his teeth for a second before letting go.

Lucas's legs tightened around Jens as the elevator lurched to a stop and Jens clutched at him, his hands catching the small of his back. 

"Come on," Lucas said, his voice hoarse, as he let go of Jens and slid to the ground, pulling Jens after him with one hand and pulling the key out of his pocket with the other.

JENS   
Jens followed him, dazed, stumbling slightly until they reached their room, watching Lucas unlock the door as quickly as he could, before being tugged inside, Lucas turning, pulling him close, and slamming the door shut behind them. 

Lucas pressed his tongue against Jens's lips, not waiting, and Jens opened his mouth, gasping lightly and gripping Lucas's hips, pushing him toward the bed. 

Lucas let go of Jens's jacket, stepping back and pulling his bag off his shoulders before dropping it to the ground and reaching for Jens's bag, doing the same to him as Jens pulling his jacket off, tossing it away and kissing Lucas harshly again, shoving him against the bed and climbing over him.

Jens smiled as he kissed down Lucas's neck, listening to him pant, to his breath catch, to his voice break as he said Jens's name. Jens bit down, pulling Lucas's skin between his teeth, and then running his tongue over the same spot, making Lucas whine.

Lucas reached up, grabbing Jens's throat, and squeezed gently as he spread his legs and wrapped them around Jens, pushing their hips together.

"Lucas..." 

Lucas pushed Jens, rolling on top of him and pressing him into the mattress by the throat and hips and Jens whimpered, his eyes closing. He slid his hands up Lucas's legs then rested them on Lucas's bottom, squeezing, and Lucas moaned softly, rolling his body over Jens's. Jens tightened his grip on Lucas, pulling him closer and leaning up to capture his lips again, biting. 

Lucas leaned back, bringing Jens with him, and let go of his neck, reaching for the hem of Jens's shirt, and pulled at it. Jens let go of Lucas and removed the shirt before reaching for Lucas's, and pulled it over his head, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Lucas's chest before the fabric was even over Lucas's face. 

Jens heard Lucas whimper softly as he tossed the shirt away from them, felt Lucas reach down to his belt, tugging desperately, and swiped his tongue across his nipple. Lucas gasped and threw his head back, pulling Jens closer. 

"Jens..." 

Jens moaned against Lucas's chest. 

"Yeah, baby," he said, his voice raspy.

Lucas breathed heavily for a second, pushing his hands into Jens's hair, pulling hard, before saying quietly, almost whispering, "Fuck me." 

Jens whined, reaching up and kissing him harshly, licking in his mouth, and pulling him closer. One hand stayed on Lucas's hip and the other moved to the back of his head, kissing him deeply and slowly, a change of pace from before.

"Please," Lucas murmured into Jens's mouth. 

"Yeah," Jens breathed and gently rolled them again so he was on top of Lucas, pushing his hips against Lucas's, running his mouth down Lucas's jaw, throat, collarbone, chest, unbuckling Lucas's belt.

LUCAS  
Lucas didn't know what to do as he felt Jens touch him, his hands floating from gripping the sheets of the bed to running his hands across Jens's back and neck, and ending up in Jens's hair, pulling and tugging until Jens made his way back up to Lucas, licking a line up his stomach and chest.

Lucas kissed him, desperately pulling him closer  
and closer  
and closer  
until there wasn't any closer they could be.

Everything went blank, except the feeling of Jens, Jens breathing on his skin, Jens inside him, Jens crushing Lucas under him, Jens consuming him, breathing him in. 

Lucas held onto him, his fingers squeezing Jens's shoulder, neck, throat, under a pressure that would surely leave bruises. 

He listened to the rhythmic moaning and breathing, felt Jens push against him, into him, again and again.

Lucas didn't think. He'd never felt like this, never expected to feel like this. 

Starstruck. 

_JensJensJensJensJensJensJensJensJens..._

JENS  
"JensJensJensJens..."

Jens smiled, lifting his head up to look at Lucas, feeling his hand crawl from his head to his throat, felt Lucas push himself against Jens, felt Lucas's breath against his skin.

Jens felt a warmth building in his stomach, felt the walls close in.

"So fucking perfect," he whispered. Lucas whined, squeezing his throat. "Fucking beautiful." He shifted, holding himself up on his elbows, his forearms framing Lucas's face, his fingers in Lucas's curls. 

Lucas gasped loudly, the breath catching in his throat, and let out a high pitched moan, clutching at Jens, and that was it.

Feeling Lucas's fingers around his throat, almost unable to breathe, feeling Lucas around him, Lucas's breath, Lucas's sounds, Lucas, pushed Jens over the edge.

It was like the sky exploded, like the sun and all the stars disappeared. 

They were all that was left.


	55. Vrijdag 20:57

**LUCAS**  
Lucas rested his head on Jens's arm, reaching up to hold his face as Jens licked into his mouth slowly, almost leisurely. Their legs twisted together, the sheets tangling, and Lucas felt Jens's hand slide across his chest, grabbing his waist gently.

Lucas pushed his fingers into Jens's hair, gripping it, and pulled back, opening his eyes. Jens tried to follow him, his eyes still closed, mouth gaping slightly, his fingers pressing against Lucas's bare skin.

"Mm."

Lucas pressed another kiss to his mouth and smiled at him.

"You're pretty."

"Yeah?" Jens opened his eyes and looked back at him. His eyes skimmed over Lucas's brows and eyes, flicking between them, his nose, and his mouth, suppressing a smile as he gazed at the mole above his lip. 

"Mhmm."

Jens leaned forward, kissing the mole, and Lucas giggled quietly, his shoulders hunching, and gently pulled his hair, pushing his back. Jens let out a quiet moan and ceded, kissing the tip of Lucas's nose before pulling back.

Lucas pulled the sheets up from between them, covering his face up to his nose, still giggling at Jens, who brushed his fingertips over what he could see on Lucas's face, pushing his curls back so they fell against the bed.

"You look pretty in white," Jens said softly. 

Lucas snorted, letting go of the sheet and leaning forward, gently bumping his forehead against Jens's. 

"Like a bride," Jens said, his voice shaking with laughter and his eyebrows raising as he realised what Lucas was laughing at.

Lucas giggled, reaching up and holding Jens's face, and kissed him, grinning against his mouth. Jens kissed him back, the arm Lucas was laying on hooking around his neck, and rolled so Lucas pulled himself on top of Jens. 

The kiss slowed until both their smiles were gone and Lucas had his fingers around Jens's throat and Jens had his on Lucas's thighs. Lucas squeezed his neck and then moved his hand down his chest, gently dragging his nails across the skin, until he was holding Jens's shoulder. He bit Jens's lip as he pulled back, smiling softly at the bliss on Jens's face. 

Jens's eyes were closed, his brow and mouth relaxed. He dropped his head back onto the bed (Lucas hadn't noticed that he'd had his head lifted up to meet him), and Lucas leaned down, trailing his lips down Jens's jaw, breathing down his neck. 

As he pressed gentle kisses to the soft skin of Jens's neck, he felt Jens's body shift, his head turn, and looked to see Jens reaching to the bedside table, grabbing a joint and a lighter that he'd placed there earlier. 

"Yeah?"

Lucas nodded before leaning back down, slowly licking a stripe up Jens's neck. He heard a hushed "Fuck," and the click of the lighter, then felt Jens's chest rise, his skin against Lucas's. Jens let out a quiet moan as Lucas gently bit down, and Lucas straightened up again, holding his hand out for the joint.

"I like hearing that," he said as he brought it to his lips, inhaling twice before blowing the smoke out. Jens quietly moaned again, his eyes half-closed, watching Lucas's cheeks hollow as he took another drag. "Yeah," Lucas breathed out with the smoke, holding the joint in front of Jens's mouth, and waiting for him to take it before kissing his neck, biting gently to get that _sound_ again. 

As Lucas bit and kissed and sucked gently on Jens's skin, and Jens smoked above him, all Lucas could hear was traffic outside, all cold streets and bright lights in the dark, and Jens's occasional whine.

"I wanna marry you someday." Jens's voice was low and rough. 

"Mhmm?" Lucas soothed over the spot he'd been sucking on with a kiss and lifted his head, looking at Jens under hooded eyes. "To see me in white?"

Jens hummed, leaning forward, capturing Lucas's lips in a kiss. Lucas slid his hands up Jens's neck, one hand on his throat and the other holding his cheek, his thumb gently stroking his sharp cheekbone. 

"If you wanna wear white, yeah." They kissed again. "If you don't, you can wear whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?" Lucas quirked his brows at him. 

Jens laughed and lifted the joint up, allowing Lucas to take it in his mouth.

"Whatever you want." He smiled softly as Lucas inhaled and lifted the hand off his neck to take it from his mouth. "It'll be perfect either way," he breathed as Lucas leaned his head closer, placing his thumb on Jens's bottom lip and coaxing his mouth open. Lucas blew the smoke in Jens's mouth and Jens soaked it in, his eyes lingering on Lucas's face in front of him. Jens reached a hand up, tangling his fingers in Lucas's curls, and pulled Lucas's head forward, their mouths crashing together. Lucas licked into his mouth, panting, smoke mingling around both of them, and Jens slid his hand to Lucas's, taking the joint and turning away to put it in the ashtray on the bedside table. (There was a whispered "Fuck," as Lucas ran his tongue down his neck again.) (Lucas noticed Jens said that a lot when they did this.) (He didn't mind.)

Lucas felt Jens's hands grab his legs, felt Jens's hips push up against him, felt Jens push him so Jens was on top of him. Lucas let him, wrapping his legs around his waist, pulling Jens against himself. He slid his hands into Jens's hair, pulling as Jens practically sucked on his tongue.

Lucas moaned into Jens's mouth, tugging his hair hard, accidentally pulling Jens away. Jens let out an open-mouthed moan, gasping as Lucas slid a hand to his throat, squeezing.

"How do you always do this to me?" Jens panted, and Lucas just giggled.


	56. Zaterdag 01:13

**LUCAS**  
A buzzing woke Lucas up. 

It was an insistent buzzing, even though it had just started, the kind of buzzing that seemed like it would never end. But it did, after Lucas pushed himself up, rubbing a hand over his face, and stepped across the room, over clothes scattered across the floor, and grabbed his phone. He pressed answer without looking at who was calling, looking at Jens in the dark and moonlight, who had moved when the buzzing started, covering his face and turning away.

"Hello?" Lucas's voice was rough as he answered the phone quietly, rubbing his eyes and stretching his back. 

"Is this Lucas Van Der Heijden?" a woman's voice asked.

"Uhm..." Lucas opened his eyes, a dread building in his chest. "Yes, that's me." He felt his heart begin to beat faster. 

"Hi, Lucas." She sounded gentle like she was soothing a scared puppy. "I'm calling to let you know that your mother has been admitted to the St. Antonius Hospital here in Utrecht—" Lucas's breath escaped his lungs and his darted around the room "—after a recent episode." 

"Okay, uh..." Lucas could feel his heartbeat everywhere, pounding like it was trying to get out. "How..." 

"She's okay, she was just...cold."

Lucas tried to catch his breath, feeling like he'd just run a mile, his head too light and his limbs too heavy. 

"I can be there in a few hours," he said shakily. 

"That's not necessary, Lucas, we just wanted to let you know that she's safe and uninjured." 

It took a few breathless seconds before Lucas processed what she had said.

"I can be there in a few hours," he repeated.

"Lucas—" 

He hung up, immediately scanning the ground and grabbing his hoodie and pants, pulling them on swiftly and then grabbing his duffle bag, pulling it over his head, his breath stuttering and stuck in his throat. His hands shook violently, and he pressed them to his stomach, sliding them across and down his legs as he scanned the room, looking for anything he'd missed.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..."

He made his way to the door of the room, not thinking he was missing anything, his phone stuffed in his front pocket, and everything he'd brought to Antwerp in his bag. 

But he did miss something. 

He didn't hear Jens, groggily mumbling, "Baby?" as he heard Lucas shuffle around the room, the zip of his jeans, the huffing of his breath.

He didn't hear Jens, Jens saying, "Lucas?" worriedly as he slipped out the door, shutting it behind himself.

JENS  
"Lucas?" Jens awoke to Lucas moving around the room, only able to see his movement, only able to hear him, his muttered curses. He sounded scared, frantic.

"Baby?" 

Lucas didn't stop, almost like he couldn't hear Jens at all. He moved to the door, opening it with a click, and slipped out, not opening it all the way.

"Lucas?" Jens called out louder. He pushed himself up, stumbling across the room to the door, opening it and leaning his head out, seeing Lucas disappear down the hall.

"Lu..." He pulled his head back into the room and turned on the lights, squinting in the sudden brightness as he felt across the floor, pulling on his pants and shirt, and then left the room, rushing down the hall to the stairs without looking behind himself, the lights still on and the door still cracked. 

When he reached the lobby, out of breath, he watched as Lucas slammed the entrance door behind himself. Jens ran to the door, opening it and stepping back at the gust of icy air that hit him, before rushing outside, stepping into the middle of the empty street, watching as Lucas skateboarded away from him, against the tide of the wind.

Jens's shoulders dropped, his eyes stung, his lip quivered, as he 

just  
stood  
there.


	57. Zaterdag 01:23

LUCAS  
Lucas braked on his skateboard, skidding to a stop outside the train station. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, tucking the board under his arm as he called Ralph, entering the building. 

"Ralph," he said before Ralph could say anything after answering. "I—I have to go." He couldn't speak clearly, his heart beating fast, his shoulders shaking like he was freezing, even though the building was warmer inside.

"...What?" Ralph sounded sleepy, as though Lucas's call had woken him up.

"I..." Lucas looked around the station, making his way across the dirty floor, one shoulder against the wall to avoid bumping into people. He was breathing fast. "I have to go back to Utrecht."

"Wait, why? What's going on?" He sounded more alert. "Are you okay?"

"My—My mom, I have to go back, she's..."

"Lucas, do you need to call an ambulance or something? What's going on?"

"No, she's in the hospital right now, I just—I have— And my hotel room, I don't know what to do, I just have to—"

"Lucas, don't worry about it, I'll take care of the hotel stuff, just go to your mom."

"Are you sure?" He stopped, running a hand over his face. 

"Yes, be there for your mom, it'll be okay."

Lucas's eyes stung, and he pressed his lips together, taking a breath. 

"Thank you." 

He hung up and took off, his phone back in his pocket.

\- - -

It was a little past two in the morning, and there was a buzzing stuck in Lucas's head. His back was straight, his bag between his feet, skateboard across his lap.

Somebody had left a water bottle, about a third full, in the seat across from him, the water sloshing. The sound of it echoed in Lucas's head, loudly, so loud he forgot about his mother, about what he was doing on the train in the first place. His hands were shaking and he ran them over the surface of his skateboard, the roughness taking the shiver off his shoulders. 

He stared at the bottle intensely, like it was the only thing on the train other than him. 

The water moved back  
and forth  
and back  
and forth  
and back  
and forth   
until something Lucas snapped, and he lunged, nearly dropping the skateboard, and snatched the bottle, the crunch of the plastic loud in the silent carriage, and threw it into the seat diagonal from him, so he was unable to see it and unable to hear it.

He sat back in his seat, leaning his head back and squeezing his eyes shut, blocking out the fluorescent lights above him. He took a deep breath, the absence of the noise easing him slightly.

His mind wandered back to his mom. 

_Cold._

He didn't know what had happened. He hadn't received any messages from her, she hadn't responded to his messages. He looked out the window, into the darkness, his knee bouncing up and down. 

_It's my fault._

He picked a hand up off the skateboard, his fingertips feeling raw from rubbing the rough texture, and covered the lower half of his face with his sweatshirt, sighing.

If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp, he thought. If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp, he could have made sure she was okay, that she was taking her medication every day, as that was what he'd assumed she hadn't been doing. He could have made sure she was safe and warm. 

If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp, his mom would be okay. They would probably be at home right now, asleep, or watching a movie. Maybe baking. 

If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp. 

If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp.

If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp If he just hadn't gone to Antwerp   
he wouldn't have met Jens. 

_Fuck._

Lucas dropped his hand onto the board, gasping as needles pricked his eyes. He left him. 

Again.

Maybe it was better that he'd left. That he didn't say anything to Jens. If Lucas didn't say anything, Jens would forget. Forget about Lucas. Forget about everything. 

It probably all meant more to Lucas than it did to Jens. That was how things usually went. Lucas remembered things that his friends said to him, his friends didn't. He remembered birthdays, anniversaries, events, parties, his friends didn't.

Lucas felt his phone digging into his stomach and considered calling Jens. _He's probably asleep._ He dropped his head against the window next to him, the glass cold against his skin.

_Just let him forget._

His nostrils flared and his eyebrows turned up, tears welling in his eyes. He choked, pulling his sweatshirt back up to cover his face, and sobbed. 

There was no one in the carriage to hear him.


	58. Zaterdag 03:12

**LUCAS**  
Lucas stood outside the door to his mother's room, gazing through the window at her. She was in her bed, laying down, her head propped up with several pillows. There were plain, white and grey blankets on top of her, carefully placed by nurses. Her eyes were closed. She looks peaceful. 

And warm. 

Lucas gently opened the door, unsure about whether she was awake or not, but her eyes opened as soon as it clicked shut behind him.

"Darling..." She didn't sit up. 

"Mama, what happened?"

She didn't answer. The room was so quiet, he could hear the person in the room next door coughing. He could hear wheels squeaking down the hall, could hear someone drop a packet of paper.

"You're supposed to be in Antwerp."

"You're supposed to be at home." His voice broke. "What happened?" 

She gently shook her head and looked away.

"Mama, please." He gasped, holding tears back. His knuckles were pale, his fingers gripping his board and the strap of his bag tightly. "Just..." 

She shook her head again, sighing and sitting up slightly. The water in the glass next to her shook. 

"You look tired," she said quietly.

Lucas huffed, looking away. His eyes stung, and he bit his lip, trying not to cry. She always did this when she didn't want to talk. Always turned it around to whoever was talking to her.

But he was tired. 

He hadn't slept on the train, hardly slept at the hotel. He'd cried so hard on the train, his face and shoulders were sore. His lips were raw, had been bloody. 

When he looked back at her, her face was soft, her eyes sad. He watched as she shifted, moving to the side of the bed, and lifted the blankets.

Lucas's shoulders dropped and he pulled his bag over his head, dropping both it and the skateboard on the floor before flinging himself across the room and laying next to her, burying his face in her side as she gingerly covered him with the blankets.

They used to do this when Lucas was little, when he had nightmares or panic attacks, when he couldn't breathe through his tears, when he shook so hard she could do nothing but hold him. They would stay like this for hours, until Lucas's face was sore, until her shirt and blankets were tear-stained, until his throat was dry and he was tired.

Lucas wrapped his arm around her, gripping her shirt tightly, and felt her fingers as she held his shoulder. 

"I'm okay," she whispered softly.

Lucas cried.

And cried. 

And cried.


	59. Zondag 12:27

**Jens**  
There were a lot of stairs on the way to Milan's apartment. 

Jens had never really thought about it before, but today, every step felt like he was carrying ten pounds in every pocket he had. 

When he finally knocked on the door, it occurred to him that Milan might not be home and the feeling grew like wildfire, dread building in his chest, when Zoë answered the door, her lips a bold red.

"Jens!" She hadn't been expecting him, he knew, as she skimmed his face and glanced down his body like she was making sure he was real. "What are you doing here?" 

"Are Milan and Ralph here?" he asked, skipping a greeting. 

"Yeah, they're in the kitchen. Is everything okay?" she asked as he began to push past her. 

Jens heard the door shut behind him and Zoë as he made his way to find them. They were both sitting at the table, coffee cups in hand, a plate of crisps between them, a faintly solemn mood in the air. They both looked up when he walked in, Zoë right behind him. 

"Hey." Milan's voice was more toned down than usual, a slightly parental sound to it. "Everything okay?" 

"Uhm..." Jens paused, not knowing exactly what to say. He glanced at Zoë, remembering that she was there. 

"Zoë, can you give us some time?" Milan was the only one who knew her well enough to ask her to leave. She gave him a worried look, completely in the dark about what was happening, and touched Jens's shoulder gently before turning and leaving. Jens heard the front door shut a few seconds later. 

The three of them remained silent for another second, Jens glancing up at both of them before Milan pushed a chair out from the table. Jens dropped into the seat before looking up at Ralph, his eyes tired. 

"Did he say anything to you?" 

Ralph lowered his mug slowly and looked back at him. 

"Just about his mom, that's it. He sounded..." His voice trailed off as he saw Jens's face contort in confusion.

"What about his mom?"

"He didn't tell you about..." 

Jens shook his head, his eyes stinging. "What happened?"

"He didn't really say, he just said she's in the hospital. He sounded..." Ralph took a deep breath. "Scared."

Jens sighed, covering his face with his hands, his elbows on the table. He felt Milan's hand run over his shoulder.

"He really didn't tell you?" 

Jens shook his head again, saying "He didn't tell me anything," his voice muffled by his hands. "At all. He just left." He uncovered his face, revealing his eyes, wet with tears. "He didn't say _anything._ Even when I said his name a bunch of times. It was like he couldn't hear me."

Ralph sighed, bringing his shoulders up in a half-shrug. 

"Maybe he was just...freaking out." He scratched the back of his head. "I mean, I don't really know what actually happened with his mom, just that she's in the hospital. Maybe she..." He cut himself off, his eyes darting to Jens. "You know about his mom, right?"

"Yeah." The thought of what Lucas's mom _might have_ been though made Jens feel worse. He'd never met her, but still. She was Lucas's mom. Lucas's mom who loved Lucas, sent him Bible verses that he didn't like but she sent because they made her feel better, made her feel safe. "Fuck." He dropped his head, his forehead on his forearms. 

"What's up with his mom?" Milan asked. Jens didn't answer. 

"She's bipolar," Ralph responded before placing his hand on Jens's head, ruffling his hair gently. 

Jens sniffed, tears dropping onto the table under him. Maybe she had gone through something similar to what Sander had been through, what Robbe had said happened. Or maybe she had tried to hurt herself, the thought of which made Jens's chest tighten, and his eyes to squeeze shut. 

He heard a chair scrape the floor and listened as Milan made his way to the counter, pouring a cup of coffee. Jens focused on the sounds of it, focused on the feeling of Ralph's hand in his hair, gentle scratching on his scalp, and tried to control his breathing, so the crying didn't become the desperate, gasping kind of crying that hurt so much. He sat up when he heard a mug be placed in front of him, Ralph's hand falling, and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. 

"I'm fine," he mumbled, pulling the mug closer and holding his head over it, the steam washing over his face. 

They sat in silence. 

Jens closed his eyes, sighing shakily, and held his head on his hands. "What do I do?"

"I..." Ralph shrugged. "Give him time, I think. I mean, I don't know how his mom is, how bad it is. Maybe just send him a message. A text. And just... Be there if he needs you."

_Always._

Jens nodded.


	60. Maandag 01:09

tw: panic attack, mindless self-harm, intrusive thoughts  
 **Lucas**

It was dark outside. And Lucas was tired. 

He was on his way home, his bag swinging and hitting the back of his legs with every step, and his arms wrapped around his skateboard, pressed against his chest. 

It was dark outside. And the stars were bright. 

Lucas wished he was a star. He wouldn't have to worry about anything. Not a mother, not love, not safety or fear. He would just exist. Or maybe he could be a bird, he thought as he caught a flutter of wings in the corner of his eye. It would be nice to be able to just fly away if any problems arose. 

Fly away. 

Jens's face flashed in Lucas's mind, his dark eyes, his smile. Lucas stopped in the middle of the empty sidewalk, closing his eyes, savoring the image, holding it. He hugged the board closer, taking a sharp, shallow breath. He exhaled with a quiet whimper. 

_Shit._

Another sharp breath. 

Another. 

Another.

He forgot he was holding the skateboard, and it clattered the ground, rolling away until it hit the wall. He opened his eyes, the same darkness remaining like they were still closed, until he could see the stars again. His eyes darted to the ground, to the wall next to him, to the street. He made his way to the skateboard, holding his hand out and catching himself on the wall when he stumbled, light-headed and breathless. 

He sat on the floor, holding his head, shutting his eyes, trying to control his breathing. _Not now. Not now, please, not here._ He could almost hear his mom's voice, the way she would whisper to him, the way she would reassure him. _In...Out...In...Out..._

\---

Lucas's arms were wrapped around his legs, his forehead on his knees. His breaths were shaky, and he could see them in the night air. His hands felt chapped, the skin on his face tight in the cold, and he was shivering, but he didn't get up to make it the rest of the way to his house. 

Lucas was tired. 

He let go of his legs, slowly taking his bag off and placing it on his skateboard, which was still against the wall. He rubbed his hands over his face, taking a deep breath, his throat rough and dry, before reaching out, placing his hands on the wall as he slowly stood. Standing, he pressed his forehead to the wall, barely noticing the coldness of it against his cold skin. 

When he was stable enough to stand on his own, he pulled his phone out of a pocket in his bag, leaning down to unzip it. He hadn't checked his phone since calling Ralph at the train station, and he had several missed calls, several unread messages.

A lot of them from Jens.

_Are you okay?_   
_Where did you go?_   
_Baby, what's going on?_   
_Lucas_   
_Please_

Lucas scrolled through the messages, his heart heavy. He didn't know he was crying until tears dropped onto his screen, and he realized his vision was blurred, the words from Jens blending into a mess of letters. 

_It's okay. Take your time. I'll wait for you._  
 _Text me when you can, just let me know you're okay._

Lucas felt like his lungs weren't working. He wanted more than anything to call Jens, to tell him he was okay, to listen to Jens whisper into his ear, to hold his hand. But he couldn't even breathe on his own. 

And he wasn't okay. 

He wasn't okay at all. 

His hands gripped his phone hard, his knuckles white, feeling like they were going to split, and he gasped for breath. He felt like he was drowning.

Everything was too much. There was so much inside of him, too much inside of him, so much anger and fear that it bubbled over in the form of tears falling from eyes that darted from the ground to the wall to the streetlights to the stars. He was so angry. 

Angry at himself. 

_Why are you like this?_  
_Why are you so broken?_  
_Defective?_  
_Fucked up?_  
_Calm down._  
_Stop._  
_Stop._  
_Stop._  
_Stop._  
_Stop._

There was a tingling in Lucas's forearms, that felt like he had to rip out. He rubbed his hand down his arm, his nails catching the fabric of his sweatshirt, his phone nearly tumbling out of his hand. A whine broke out of his mouth as his shoulders came up, this feeling in them, that wouldn't leave. His hands flew down, the sides of his fists hitting his thighs hard, pain flaring. But he didn't stop, nearly falling to the ground, his eyes squeezed shut. He was in the middle of an alley, his bag and board still against the wall near the empty street.

" _Fuck!_ " 

Lucas hurled his phone at the wall, not hearing it slam into it, not hearing the glass shatter, not hearing it hit the ground, the light from the screen disappearing, and dropped to his knees, his head between his hands, sobs racking his body.

He dug his fingers into his hair, pulling as hard as he could, groaning as he cried, gasping, before letting go and wrapping his arms around himself, gripping his shoulders and burying his face in the crooks of his elbows, muffling his voice. 

"I'm sorry," he said to no one, dropping forward over his legs, his breaths staggering and violent. 

_You could die here._

A violent sob was ripped out of Lucas.

"I don't want to," he whimpered. 

\---

When Lucas could finally breathe, he turned onto his back. 

He lay on the pavement, in the middle of the alley, his arms spread out to his sides, staring at the sky. 

He wished he could be a star, without worries or thoughts.

Maybe someday.


	61. Dinsdag 08:11

**Jens**  
"So he just...left?" Aaron asked, clarifying. He looked past Jens and waved, a little smile on his face, and nodded, holding a finger up. Jens glanced behind himself and smiled at Amber, who was standing with the girls a few meters away from them. 

"Yeah."

They were outside the school, Aaron and Moyo sitting on top of a table, Robbe standing next to Jens. Jens tucked his hands into the pockets of his jacket, squeezing his fists, and brought his shoulders up, shrugging somewhat nonchalantly. 

"Why, though?" Moyo asked. "So suddenly?" 

"I don't know, he just..." Jens trailed off, pausing. "Something happened with his mom. So he went back for her."

"You said he didn't say anything to you, I thought," Aaron said. 

"He didn't, that's what Ralph said."

"Have you talked to him? Messages or anything?" Moyo asked after a few seconds of silence. 

"Yeah, I just..." Jens looked up, leaning back. "Said I would wait for him."

Silence. Jens heard the girls laughing behind him, and waited for Amber to come up to them to say hello to Aaron. They would have to change the subject if she did. 

"Last time he talked to me when he was ready," he added abruptly. "He just needed some time. And he came to me when he was ready. I'm just going to let him be right now. And wait."

"Yeah, I get that." Moyo nodded before shrugging and sighing. "But then again, you can't always just wait for your relationship to go somewhere, you know? Like..." He looked away, thinking. "I mean, he has to talk to you. Communicate. Tell you what's up."

"He will, it's just..." He sighed. "He needs time and stuff. And I don't wanna force him to talk about anything he doesn't want to."

He watched as they all nodded solemnly. 

"It'll be fine," Robbe said after a few beats of silence, stepping closer and bumping Jens's shoulder. Jens shot him a grateful look. 

"What'll be fine?"

Jens jumped, startled at Jana's voice, not hearing her approach. Jens turned, looking at her shortly before looking at Robbe, both of their faces blank, not knowing what to say. Aaron took over. 

"We're got a bio quiz and we're all fucked." 

Jana laughed, missing the grateful look Jens shot at Aaron, and said "Yeah, good luck with that." 

She jerked her chin up at Robbe. "How's Sander doing?" 

He looked down bashfully, rocking back on his feet and shoving his hands in his pockets. 

"Uh, yeah, he's good. Drawing and stuff." He had a big smile on his face. 

Jana let out a quiet squeal and she gently pushed his shoulder back as the rest of the girls made their way over to them. Luca and Moyo slapped their hands together (Jens had noticed that they seemed to be good friends) and Amber jumped up next to Aaron on the table, shoving their faces together in a kiss. 

"Does he draw you?" Jana asked, her eyes wide, captivated. 

Robbe grinned, colour blooming in his cheeks. "Yeah."

The girls cooed (except Amber, who was still locked in with Aaron). 

"You're a muse," Yasmina said, reaching out and ruffling Robbe's hair. He shoved her hand back, laughing, and poked her cheek, making her say "Hey!" and punch him in the gut. Jens laughed lightly, watching them bicker. 

His hand absentmindedly slid his phone out of his pocket, and he opened his chat with Lucas. 

Two blue checkmarks.


	62. Woensdag 17:12

**Lucas**  
Lucas didn't realise the doorbell had rung until it rang a second time. He looked up, the sound of it echoing in his head, unsure of whether or not he actually heard it, until it rang a third time, and the pushed his sketchbook and laptop away from himself, taking off his headphones, and shutting the laptop, hiding Jens's face from his living room, before making his way to the door, stumbling from fatigue. He could still hear his music coming from his headphones, not bothering to pause it. 

He tripped over a shoe, stretching his arms out. He hadn't stood for hours, sitting on the couch, curled up with his sketchbook in his lap, copying Jens into messy sketches and scribbles, tossing aside pages filled with his face. Most of them were from Jens's Instagram because Lucas could access those online. He couldn't open his phone, could barely even hold it without cutting the skin of his fingers on the broken glass, and couldn't open the photos he'd taken of Jens in the times they'd hung out or the silly selfies Jens had taken on his phone. Lucas had tried drawing them from memory and ended up ripping them from the book, crumpling them into balls and throwing them across the room. (There were paper balls scattered across the whole room.) 

He peered through the peephole of the door and froze upon seeing Kes standing there, looking down at his phone, a skateboard between his legs. Lucas thought about leaving, going back to the sofa, ignoring Kes, knowing he'd leave eventually. 

But they hadn't talked in days.

He unlatched the lock and swung the door open. 

Kes startled, and looked up at Lucas, turning his phone off and sliding it into his pocket. 

"Hey."

Lucas tried for a smile and nodded, stepping out and leaving the door ajar behind himself. They stared at each other for a few silent seconds, the air between them awkward. 

"Liv said Ralph was back in town." Kes scanned his face, analyzing the bags under his faintly bloodshot eyes, his dry and raw lips. "I figured you were back too. But I haven't heard from you." More silence. "Is everything okay?"

Lucas didn't even know Ralph had left Antwerp. 

He took a sharp breath before answering. 

"I broke my phone," he said, his voice ragged from disuse.

Kes nodded, his lips pressing together in a sympathetic half-smile.

"How was Belgium?" he asked after a few more seconds. 

Lucas sighed, putting his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, his fingers twisting together. 

"Good. I met a lot of people." 

"Friends of Ralph's, I'm guessing."

A pause, before a nod. 

Kes looked over Lucas again and Lucas was glad his hands and their tremors were hidden. Lucas's shoulders were tense, uncomfortable, and he shivered in the cold. He hadn't bothered to put on a shirt under the hoodie he wore. 

"Jayden and some other guys are at the skate park." They made eye contact. "Do you want to hang out?"

"I don't--" His voice cut off, the words jumping out of his mouth before his mind told him what to say. "I don't feel like...people." His brain felt muddled, possible responses blurred and discoloured.

"That's okay," Kes said quietly. He seemed to understand. 

Lucas swallowed, staring into Kes's eyes. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

"You sure you're okay?" 

Lucas took a shuddering breath and shrugged nonchalantly, biting his pursed lip. 

"Did something happen?" Kes's voice was gentle. 

"Just my--my mom had an... an episode."

"Is she okay?" 

Lucas nodded reassuringly. "She okay, I'm just..." 

Kes stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Lucas, and Lucas buried his face in his shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut as he pulled his arms out from between them. His fingers tightened, gripping Kes's jacket, pulling him closer, until he felt Kes's chest press to his, Kes's arms around his neck, his fingers in his hair. 

Lucas didn't let himself cry, even when he felt his eyes sting as he thought of Jens's hands in his hair, even as his lip quivered and his breath shortened. 

"Good?" he heard Kes's voice said softly in his ear. 

He let a few seconds pass before nodding and pulling away, letting go of Kes's jacket, the skin on his neck and face becoming cold in the icy air.

"Thanks," he said quietly, almost whispering.

Kes nodded, kicking the end of his skateboard and catching the other side. 

"You just need some time?" 

"I think so." 

"That's okay." 

Lucas looked at Kes intensely ( _Thank you._ ) before turning to the door slightly. 

"Call me or something when you can, yeah?" Kes asked. 

Lucas smiled and nodded, holding his hand out for him to take, and Kes hit their palms together. 

"Don't worry about it." Kes gave him a smile before leaving. 

Lucas shut the door as quietly as he could, despite being the only one in the house. He pressed his back to the door, dropping his head back, his eyes closed, his breathing steady for the first time in hours. _Don't worry about it._ Lucas wished he could have gone with Kes, gone to the park with the guys, taken Jens's skateboard with him. 

He wished he could have just opened his mouth and told Kes everything, told him everything the way he was supposed to tell his best friend everything. Could have told Kes about Jens, about everything. _Everything._

He wished he could talk. Could just open his mouth and let words out, the way people do. 

_The way normal people do._

"Stop," he said firmly to no one, before opening his eyes and lifting his head, pushing himself off the door and stepping over shoes and the curl in the carpet that always tripped him, until he collapsed onto the sofa, catching his pencil before it fell into the crack between the cushions that widened when his weight fell onto one of them. 

He pulled on his headphones, starting the song over, and let the music play, the song noisy and loud, the bass feeling like a pulse in his brain, and opened the picture of Jens he was drawing before Kes showed up. He gazed, his eyes running over his face fondly before reaching over his laptop to grab his sketchbook. 

As the sun set and the stars came out to shine, Lucas didn't notice. His head and ears hurt from his headphones and the music, the singer screaming in his ears, the drums beating thoughts out of his head, but somehow, when he took the headphones off and paused the music, it hurt more. 

So he put them back on, and pressed play. 

And he kept drawing.


	63. Donderdag 16:39

**Lucas**  
The screen of his new phone was shiny. He'd put his old phone case on it, just a plain clear case, and left it on his desk. The electronics store was stressful, even though it was more empty than it would have been had he waited until the weekend. He'd waited in the corner while one of the employees switched the SIM card, his shoulders pressed against the wall, the corner of a table digging into his leg. He'd focused on it, the pain of it, trying to ground himself, and although it didn't work that well, it was better than nothing. 

Walking home, he scrolled through his photos, looking at the pictures he'd thought about while he didn't have a phone, looking at the ones he'd forgotten about. 

He didn't have any new messages from Jens. 

He did have messages from Kes and Jayden, messages asking him what was up and when he'd be down to hang out. (All of them were sent before Kes came by.) He had messages from Isa, similar to the ones from the guys. He had messages from Ralph, asking if he was okay, telling Lucas that he was coming back to Utrecht, asking if he needed anything, telling him Jens was worried. (Lucas's heart hurt.) He even had a message from Zoë, asking if he was okay. 

When he got home, he messaged them all back, variations of _I'm okay, thanks for checking on me_ , and smiley faces, even though he was tearing up as he pressed send. An _I'll get back to you_ to the guys about hanging out, a _love you too_ to Isa. An _I just need some time_ to Ralph. 

And not a single message to Jens. 

But paper after paper after paper after paper filled with Jens. His face, his eyes, his hair, his nose and mouth. There were even drawing of his hands, from pictures Jens had taken as a joke after the comment Lucas made over their call. Some of the drawing he went over with pen, hearing the gentle scratching against the paper between the loud songs he listened to, some with pastels, using his finger to blend the colours messily. Some he went over with paint, soft colours washed over Jens, accidentally spilling the cup of water next to him, sticking paintbrushes behind his ear and in his hair, which he tied into a tiny ponytail to keep out of his face. 

He taped some drawings to his wall above his desk, rays of light shining across them, the sunlight catching bits of metallic paint he used in Jens's eyes and earring. There were dried and dead flowers scattered in the wall, as well, flowers Lucas had been collecting for a project long forgotten, flowers that just accumulated on his desk from a habit of picking flowers and carefully placing them in whatever book he had with him in his backpack. 

Other drawings were scattered across the floor, around his desk and bed, and he was careful not to step on them. 

Others were crushed into balls and thrown away, into a bin, or around it if he didn't care to look at where he was throwing.

There was a softness on his face while he worked. 

\---

**Jens**  
"So he hasn't texted you at all?" Aaron asked, his mouth full of food.

Jens shook his head, looking down at his own food, feeling Robbe's hand run over his back before withdrawing. 

"It's okay," he said, looking back up at Aaron, "Ralph said something happened with his mom. He probably wants to be with her." 

"But he hasn't said _anything_ to you? I feel like he would still shoot you a text or something explaining," Moyo said. 

"I-" Jens shrugged, sighing. "Last time--" 

" _Last time?_ " Moyo's jaw dropped and Jens cringed in disgust, seeing his food half-chewed, and reached out to push his chin up, closing his mouth. 

"Yeah, he just... needed some time." He looked at them, all three of them staring back at him. "I think he might... something might be up." He didn't know how to explain it exactly, what he thought. That he thought maybe Lucas might struggle with it all, with being gay. "I don't want to push, though, you know? Let his tell me himself when he's able to."

"Yeah, but you have to push a little bit right?" Aaron said between bites. "I mean, for a relationship to work. You don't have to know _everything_ but something that's like... I don't know, putting your relationship on hold, I feel like you should know," he finished. He shoved another forkful into his mouth. 

"I agree,"Moyo said, twisting his mouth sympathetically. 

Jens looked at Robbe, who nodded. 

"I get why you aren't asking, the whole 'let him tell you' on his own terms and everything, but, I mean," he paused, shrugging. "He did talk to you after last time, right?"

Jens paused before, "Yeah." 

"What did he say?"

"He said he panicked." Jens kicked the ground, looking out over the water, making eye contact with the Robbe staring intensely at him from the brick wall. 

"Panicked..." Robbe said slowly.

They sat in silence, the sloshing of the water next to them, the scrape of plastic forks against plastic bowls.

"He's not out to his friend, except Ralph," Jens said abruptly. "Do you think that might have something to do with it?"

"Yeah, it definitely could," Robbe said, pulling his leg up and turning to look at Jens. "I mean, maybe not with his mom's situation, but... needing time? Maybe."


	64. Donderdag 20:57

tw: panic attack, absentminded self-harm

**Lucas ******

****It was dark in Lucas's room, except streaks of lamplight coming through his window, cutting across his walls, across the drawings of Jens. Lucas stood over his desk, the chair pushed to the side, his hands holding the edge, knuckles white. His breath caught in his throat, his heart thumping in his chest so hard he felt it in his fingertips, he felt it behind his closed eyes. He opened his eyes, looking directly at the blank screen under his head, his shoulders tense like he expected it to start buzzing, to get bad news.** **

****Letting go of the desk, relaxing his hands but not his shoulders, he stepped back, stumbling as his head suddenly became too light, spinning. His hands balled into fists and came up to his shoulder, head, all the muscles in his body strained and painful, and his body contorted, one shoulder higher than the other, his face wincing, his knees buckling as he pushed his shoulders back, trying to push back what felt like a shiver that refused to come. His hands ran over the back of his head and the nape of his neck, pulling at his hair harshly, a soft whimper in his throat.** **

****His head lifted, hands falling behind him with his elbows pointed to the ceiling, and his eyes scoured the room, searching for something to latch on to, something to hold on to, but he could barely see anything in the dark. After a few seconds of raking across the walls and floor, his eyes focused on a sketch of Jens in the center of his wall, the moonlight and lamplight just catching the corner of the paper enough that he could see it.** **

****For a second, his breathing slowed, and his shoulders dropped. He stared at the drawing with wide eyes, his mouth agape as he panted. He remembered how it felt to hear Jens whisper to him, whisper a soft _baby_ in his ear, to speak so softly Lucas could barely understand him, to hear Jens giggle and laugh as he teased him. He remembered how it felt have Jens's hands on him, his hands skating across his body, gripping his sides, his shirts, his hips, his thighs. ** **

****Lucas's shoulders shook in a violent and he crossed his arms across his chest, grabbing his shoulders and pulling hard, nearly losing his balance. His eyes stayed trained on Jens, and he began to notice every flaw he'd made in the portrait. The slope of his lower lash line wasn't quite right, and neither was his cupid's bow, or bridge of his nose. Lucas stared at it until it wasn't Jens anymore, until a stranger was staring at his from across the room.** **

****And suddenly, Lucas's arms were reaching out, across the top of his desk, and ripping the drawing from the wall, the sound of the paper tearing at the tape interrupting the sound of Lucas's strained breathing. When the paper was balled up in his hand, his head jerked back up, in the direction of his wall covered in drawings and flowers.** **

****_He doesn't love you._** **

****Lucas tore another drawing down.** **

****_He doesn't love you._** **

****Another.** **

****_He doesn't love you because you left him._** **

****A sob ripped through Lucas as he grabbed at the wall, several drawing coming off the wall in his fist, dead flowers falling to ground in pieces.** **

****_You left him, and you hurt him._** **

****Soon, the wall was bare, and the drawings were dispersed across the floor, some torn, ripped, crumpled, wrinkled,** **

****broken.** **

****

****\---** **

****

****Lucas's back was hurting, curved over to his forehead was on his knees as he sat on the floor, hugging his legs to himself and leaning against his bed. He was tired. So tired.** **

****And he hurt.** **

****His face was sore from crying, his lips cracked, and his head was throbbing. There were dull pains in his legs, the sides of his thighs, and a pain in his hand that made it hard to move. When he looked at it he could see, even in the dark, that there were bruises blooming over his knuckles, a spot of blood shining.** **

****"Shit," he breathed, looking up the wall in front of him, seeing a crack in it, a dent. He repeated himself, dropping his head to his knees again and running his hands through his hair. He winced as pain shot through his hand, and tears welled in his eyes again. He hated this.** **

****He hated breaking things, hated hurting (even though there was a touch of satisfaction in the back of his head, a quiet thought that he deserved it). He hated having to tell his mother what had happened, hated seeing her cry. He hated being so tired.** **

****He hated being alone.** **


	65. Vrijdag 19:07

**Lucas**  
"Hi, sweetie."

Lucas gave his mom a weak smile, noticing that she looked better, more energetic and awake. She was sitting up and smiling at him, a glass of water in her hand. He sat on the bed next to her, his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, twisting the thick silver ring on his finger.

"Hi, Mama."

She held out her hand and wiggled her fingers, something she always did when she wanted a hand to hold. Lucas stared at her hand for a second, biting his lip, before taking a short and pulling his bruised hand out and placing it on top of hers. She turned his hand in hers and looked at it, softly brushing her fingertips over the bruises and small scab. Lucas watched her face, her lips purse and forehead wrinkle.

"Was it a face or a wall?"

Lucas scoffed quietly.

"Wall."

She nodded slowly and moved their hands to her lap. Lucas listened to the clock ticking on the other side of the room.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" she asked gently after a few seconds.

Lucas looked at her, his mouth closed, jaw moving, like he wanted to say something, and then he looked away, down to their hands, watching her thumb run back and forth.

"Lucas..." she whispered. "Tell me."

"When I went to Belgium..." He stopped, thinking about how much to say. Thinking about what she might say if he told her about Jens. If she would tell him she would take him to church, that he can be fixed. If she would push him away, let go of his hand. He tightened his grip on her hand instinctively. "I-uhm..."

"You..."

He didn't look at her.

"I met this guy." Her thumb didn't stop moving, and he watched it, focusing on how her skin moved. Her hands had always looked older than they should have. "And we hung out a lot, we would go to the skate park together, and just talk-" His breath caught and he swallowed. "Uhm..." He took a deep breath, feeling her eyes on him. "I fell in love with him, Mama."

He looked at their hands, waiting for her thumb to stop moving, waiting for her to let go and shove him back, waiting for her to tell him he was broken, defective, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, but she didn't.

He looked up at her, her eyes soft on him, sad.

"Did he fall in love with you, too?"

Lucas nodded slowly.

She was quiet.

"Then why this?" She looked down, holding his hand up.

"I-You're not mad?" he asked, ignoring the question.

"Oh, no, of course not." She leaned forward, touching his face. "You're my boy. I don't care."

He stared at her in wonder.

"But what about...God?"

"God is love, Lucas." She let go of his hand and moved it to hold his face. "He loves you, and He loves that boy you love. He doesn't care." Lucas had started to cry as she spoke, and she wiped his tears away. "God loves you."

Lucas had never thought he'd hear those words. In every scenario he'd concocted in his head about this moment, she would push him away, she would curse him, she'd cut him off, kick him out. He'd never considered the possibility that everything would be okay.

"I thought you would hate me," he choked out, reaching up and holding her wrists, and she leaned in more, pressing her forehead to his.

"Never," she whispered. "I could never, my love." Her voice broke, and Lucas opened his eyes to look at her, and saw that she was crying with him. A sob burst out of his mouth and he pressed his head against hers, squeezing his eyes shut. "I love you more than anything, okay?"

He nodded, gasping, and she pulled him closer, moving back and wrapping her arms around him. He let her move him, collapsing against her chest, and grasping the blankets around her. He heard her whispering to him.

"I'll always love you."

\--- 

Lucas sat with a leg tucked up onto the bed between him and his mom, holding her hand.

"Why?" she asked in a low voice, touching the bruises. He didn't answer, and instead watched as she touched them. She let him stay quiet for a minute before pressing further.

"Why are you so angry with yourself?"

He swallowed and wiped under his eye.

"I hurt him."

"How?"

"I-I left him," he stammered out. His heart was aching again.

"Why, darling?" she murmured.

"I didn't want him to see me like...that." He looked at her and she cocked her head at him, confused. He looked back at his hand. _Like that._

"My love..." She brought his knuckles to her mouth and kissed them. "You said he loves you, right?"

He paused, knowing that Jens had never said the words exactly, but he kind of didn't have to. Plus he did say that he wanted to marry Lucas someday. But Lucas didn't mention that.

"I think so."

"He loves you."

Lucas looked into her eyes as she looked at him intensely, clutching his hand to her chest, over her heart.

"All of you. Even the bits that are a little rough around the edges."

"A little?"

"Even the bits that are rough around the edges," she corrected herself, tilting her head and laughing quietly. He nodded, pressing his lips together and looking down.

"How do I know if he'll still love me, though?"

She gave him a sad smile.

"You just have to have faith."

"Okay," he said almost silently.

"You talk to that boy, you hear me? I know you haven't been, I can tell." She tipped her head forward and raised her eyebrows. "Talk to him."

A nod.

"Promise?" She held up her little finger. He smiled and hooked his around it.

"Promise."

She hummed, satisfied, and let go of his finger, leaning back.

"Can I have his name now?"

Lucas paused, trying to suppress a smile.

"Jens."

"Jens..." She closed her eyes, laying her head against the wall. "I need a face to go with that."

Lucas let the smile take over as he reached into his pocket to pull out his phone and began to scroll through his photos. He stopped at one that Jens had taken while Lucas had left the room to use the restroom, a photo that showed Jens's whole face, smiling innocently. Lucas gazed at the picture for a second before holding it in front of her, saying "Here."

She opened her eyes and lifted her head, looking a little too excited, and pushed the phone further away, moving her head back.

"Oh, he is lovely, isn't he?" she said, smiling at the screen

He nodded.

"I'm assuming you have more pictures of him."

"Scroll."

She grinned as she snatched the phone from his hand and began swiping, pausing frequently to look at the silly selfies Jens had taken. She laughed and looked up at Lucas when she came to one where Lucas's hand was in the shot, poking Jens's cheek as Jens stuck his tongue out. She zoomed in on one that Moyo had taken of them at the skate park, Jens's arms wrapped around Lucas, Lucas covering his own face as he laughed.

As she scrolled, Lucas watched her, her soft smile, the way she swiped through the pictures in a way only someone her age would. Lucas sighed, feeling at peace for the first time in a long while. 

"Oh..."

Lucas's eyes snapped to his mother, having drifted to the ceiling, tracing around the tiles. She was looking up at him, her eyes suddenly glassy with tears threatening to spill over.

He held his hands up, his palms facing the ceiling, and shifted on the bed, moving closer, worried, until he realised she had a quivering smile on her face.

She turned the phone around to face him, and he looked at the picture.

It was a selfie Jens had taken of the two of them, Lucas's arm around his neck and his cheek pressed to Jens's. Both of them were smiling softly.

Lucas looked back at his mom, who was covering her mouth with a hand, two tears streaking down her face.

"Mama, what is it?"

She took a deep, shaky breath before moving her hand and looking back at the picture, and then back at Lucas, sniffing and wiping under her eye swiftly.

"You've got a fire in you, Lucas." She smiled, tilting her head and looking at him wonderingly. "I've never seen it burn as bright as it is here." She held up the phone.

Lucas looked at the photo again, closer. Maybe there was a certain glint in his eye that wasn't usually there, a kind of shine that showed that it wasn't just his mouth that was smiling.

"Call him," he heard her whisper.


	66. Vrijdag 20:37

**Lucas**  
He was passing the alley he'd broken down in when he finally pulled out his phone. 

He stopped when he did, stepping into the darkness of the alley, pressing his back to the wall and looking out into the street, watching cars pass under the streetlights. He sighed, closing his eyes and listening to the sound of the traffic, to distant voices yelling and laughing. 

He opened the chat with the Jens, the last message sent by him, sent days beforehand, and he felt a pang of guilt shoot through his chest, not knowing what Jens was feeling, if Jens was worried, or angry. 

Angry. 

For a second, the thought of putting his phone away crossed his mind, but he'd promised his mom he would talk to Jens.

So he left a voice message.

"Hey, Jens..."

\---

"Jens!"

Jens startled at Moyo's voice, which was too loud for Milan's living room, and passed the joint over to his grabby hands. 

"Your mom wasn't upset that this was so sudden?" Robbe asked from where he was lounging across Sander on the sofa. 

"Nah, she thought it was cute," Jens said, stretching as he grabbed his beer bottle off the ground. "She called it a slumber party." He took a swig. "Reminded me to bring my toothbrush and toothpaste."

"I like your mom," Aaron said, lying spread eagle on the floor, too high to make eye contact. 

"You've never even met her, idiot." 

"No, but she's your mom." Aaron's head swayed, rolling on the ground with the slow beat that was playing from Milan's speaker. "And I like you."

Milan snorted, leaning across Moyo's leg that was tossed over his own as they sat against the side of the sofa to grab chips. Sander and Robbe laughed, Sander choking on his beer.

"I'm serious!" Aaron lifted his head, looking directly at Jens. Jens widened his eyes and stared back at him just as intensely. "I _love_ you."

"You're sounding really gay right now, Aaron," Robbe said, laying his head on Sander's lap and closing his eyes. 

"I don't give a shit. You're my _bro_." Aaron pointed at Jens. "I love you."

"I love you too, buddy," Jens said, pointing back at him. 

"I love _all_ of you," Aaron said forcefully, dropping his head back down with a thump. 

"Even me?" Sander asked as his fingers ran through Robbe's hair.

" _Especially_ you."

There was another round of soft laughter before Milan said, "Even me?"

"Fuck yeah. You're Robbe's guru." 

Milan cackled, looking at Robbe excitedly. 

"You _told_ them?" 

"Aaron..." Robbe groaned, covering his face. "I told you not to tell him!"

"He's too far gone, bro, he doesn't remember anything you told him," Moyo said. 

Aaron sigh contently and they all laughed again. 

Before the laughter died out, Jens's phone buzzed next to him and he turned, flipping it over. 

He scrambled to stand when he read Lucas's name. 

"Oh my God." He opened his phone as he pushed himself up using the sofa, seeing that there was an audio message from him.

"Lucas?" Sander asked, looking up at him. 

"Yeah," he said back breathlessly. "A-A voice message."

"Listen to it!" Milan said.

"I, uhm..." He looked at them, not sure if he should listen to it in front of them.

Milan and Moyo pointed to the kitchen at the same time and Jens nodded, pressing play and lifting the phone to his ear as he shut the door behind himself. 

" _Hey, Jens._ " 

Jens's breath caught upon hearing Lucas's voice, and his eyes shut, both hands holding his phone like it was a lifeline.

" _I, uhm... I know I shouldn't have... ditched you like that. And you're probably pissed. And you should be._ "

Jens shook his head. I'm not mad, I'm not.

" _But I just..._ " He heard Lucas take a shuddering breath, and then there was a pause, the sound of moving traffic in the background. " _I just wanted to talk to you, I guess. I mean, I-_ " Lucas sighed. " _I'm sorry. I've just got...shit. That you don't deserve to see. And I don't want you to have to deal with it._ " 

Lucas's voice cracked, and Jens knew he was crying. And his heart broke. 

" _You don't deserve that._ "

He was quiet and Jens could hear his breathing, and it was almost like the times that they called late at night, not saying anything at all until they both fell asleep. 

" _My mom is okay, she's in an institute. She had an episode, she wasn't taking her meds. But she's okay._ "

A weight felt like it was lifted off Jens's shoulders. 

" _I don't know if I am though._ "

Jens bit his lip, his chest hurting. _Baby, please..._ He dropped himself onto one of the chairs while he waited for Lucas to continue.

" _I'm just... kind of a mess. Not as bad as when I first got back, though, that was..._ " He blew out a breath of air. " _I talked to my mom. I came out to her, actually._ " 

Jens almost gasped. 

" _She still loves me. It's okay._ " Lucas let out a dry laugh, like he knew what Jens was thinking. " _I told her..._ " Lucas paused like he was thinking. " _I told her I met some Belgian guy. That I fell in love with him._ "

Jens smiled, and a tear dropped on to the table. He hadn't realised he was crying. 

" _She said you're lovely._ " He was quiet. " _Fuck. You can't see me right now, but I'm crying-_ " The work broke in his mouth, cut off by a short sob, and Jens grit his teeth. " _I'm sorry. I wish I..._ "

Jens ran a hand over his face and through his hair, wishing he could hold him. After several long seconds he heard Lucas take a deep breath. 

" _Somewhere there's a universe where I'm not... whatever it is I am. I'm sorry I hurt you. I never want to hurt you._ "

Jens shook his head again. Lucas didn't know it, but Jens was never hurt. He was just scared. 

" _Fuck. I miss you._ " More silence. More passing cars. More breaths. " _I really... I really miss you. I want to see you. But I don't want you to see me like this. I don't... I don't think you'll like me anymore if you do._ " 

" _My head isn't really working right now, I just... I don't know what I'm saying. I'm looking at the stars right now. They make me think of you. Everything makes me think of you._ "

" _I'm sorry. I keep saying that, I am. I really... I wish things were different. I were different. But I don't want to hurt you. Again._ " Lucas's voice became strained. 

" _I'm sorry._ " 

And that was it. 

A click. 

And Lucas was gone. 

Jens pulled the phone away from his ear, dropping his head down to the table, squeezing his eyes shut and allowing himself to cry, before sitting up, wiping his eyes, and typing a message out. 

_Baby, send me your address_  
_Please_  
_I want to be there for you_

He waiting for Lucas to write back, not sure if he even would, his knees bouncing up and down anxiously, scratching at the skin around his nails, begging Lucas to text him. As he scanned the kitchen, looking out the window, realising he couldn't see the stars Lucas was talking about, his phone gave a quick buzz.

_I don't want you to see me like this_

Jens huffed, typing out his response.

_I just want to see you, Lucas, please_

It was almost a full two minutes before Lucas texted back his address. 

Jens jumped out of his seat and swung the kitchen door open, stepping back into the living room. He looked around the room, his eyes wide, looking almost excited, at the guys. Aaron was still lying flat on the ground, and Moyo's head was resting on Milan's shoulder, his eyes closed. Sander looked up at Jens, his eyebrows raised, and Robbe lifted his head off his lap to turn and look at him. 

"What did he say?" Robbe asked. 

"Uhm..." Jens let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Moyo lifted his head groggily, peering at Jens with squinted eyes. "He needs me." 

"Is everything okay?" Milan asked, worried. 

"I don't... I don't know, he just- he needs me." 

"Are you going right now?"

"Yeah," he breathed, and then walked around to the sofa, grabbing his bag and skateboard. "I'm gonna take the train."

"I can give you a ride to the station," Milan said quickly, gently pushing Moyo's leg off of his lap. 

"I forgot that you drive," Aaron muttered, his arms covering his face.

"It's because he's old," Moyo said. Milan reached down to smack the back of his head lightly, and Moyo giggled, pushing his hand away. 

"Come on, honey," Milan said to Jens as he grabbed his keys and opened the front door. Jens stepped out in front of him, pulling his backpack over his shoulder. "You have his address, right? Do I need to text Ralph?" 

"No, he sent it to me." Jens took a breath and they made their way down the hallway. "I'm worried about him."

"What kind of worried?"

"He said... He said he's a mess." 

"I think you just need to be there for him. Do what needs."

Jens nodded.

"Yeah."


	67. Vrijdag 23:47

**Lucas**  
Lucas hoped his music wasn't so loud his neighbours could hear it. When his ears hurt too much because of his headphones, he'd switched to playing music from his speaker, pacing back and forth slowly in the living room, a joint between his lips, his eyes half shut.

He swayed on his feet, letting the music take his body over, his head tilted back so he was looking at the ceiling, and hummed along to the music under his breath in between drags. He couldn't hear himself.

Shaking his head, he stepped over the blanket that had fallen to the ground and turned the music up, taking the joint from his mouth and throwing himself onto the sofa, pulling his legs up in front of himself, curled into a fetal position. He laid his head against the sofa, closing his eyes and bringing the joint back to his mouth, taking slow drags in time with the music. 

He wasn't worried about falling asleep with a lit blunt in his mouth. He wasn't worried about falling asleep at all. He hadn't slept well in days, mostly drifting off during the day, only for minutes at a time. He'd fallen asleep while drawing that day and had woken up before the song he'd fallen asleep to was even over. He scrapped that drawing, adding it to the growing pile of ripped paper in the corner of the room, as his pen had drawn a long, wavering line down the center of it. He was glad he had decided not to go to school. He would have been assigned detention by all of his teachers for drowsing in class. 

When he thought about it, the last time he'd slept normally was in the hotel with Jens. 

**Jens**  
Jens skated down the street, glancing from his phone to the road and back to his phone, making sure he was following the right directions. The night was cold; he kept reaching up with his sleeve covered hand and wiping his nose. The streets were wet, shining under the streetlights, and mostly empty. He'd only been passed by three cars so far.

He skated to a stop when his phone told him he was coming up on his destination, looking up in front of himself and seeing more houses than he'd hoped. Grabbing his board off the ground, he walked slowly in the direction his phone was pointing, coming to a stop at a house, the only house on the block with a light on. He could hear the faint sound of music being played loudly, a strong, slow bass.

_Please be the right house._

He rang the doorbell.

 **Lucas**  
The song came to an end, and Lucas heard the doorbell ringing. He lifted his head, taking the joint from his mouth and exhaling slowly, his brows drawn. 

Then there was knocking.

The sound of it in the complete silence startled Lucas, and he jumped, pushing himself to stand. Before going to the door, he dropped the joint in the ashtray he'd brought down to his room and grabbed his phone, pausing the next song that had started, and threw his phone back to the sofa.

Grabbing the door handle, he prepared himself to apologize for the volume of his music, ready to face whichever neighbour was standing behind to the door, demanding to speak to his mother. _She's not home right now, I'm sorry._ It wouldn't be the first time. 

He wasn't prepared to see Jens at all. For a second, he thought maybe he was just high. High enough to hear knocking, to see the beautiful boy at his front door. But he hadn't even finished smoking one joint.

"Hey," Jens said quietly.

Lucas stared at him, looking over the face he'd only seen on a screen and paper for the past week, the face he'd missed so much, the face he'd longed to see. His nose and cheeks were red from the cold. He had a backpack on, a skateboard under his arm, a hood over his head. 

"I just came from Milan's," Jens said, gesturing to his bag.

There was a beat of silence before Lucas said "You say that like you just came down the block," and Jens laughed softly, his eyes scanning Lucas like he was trying to see if he was real or not. 

"I just-" Jens pulled at his backpack strap awkwardly. "I had to see if you were okay."

Lucas looked down, moving so he stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He didn't say anything. 

"Are you?" A whisper.

Lucas shook his head slowly, his eyes trained on Jens's shoes. He felt Jens looking at him.

"Will you talk to me?" Jens sounded like he was pleading with him, begging. Lucas looked up at him, wanting to. "Talk to me," Jens whispered, his eyes suddenly gleaming. 

So Lucas turned back inside, grabbing his jacket off a hook on the wall and putting it on, slipping his feet into a pair of slides next to the door. He turned to see Jens looking up, blinking, and reached forward to take hold of his skateboard. Jens let him take it, watching as Lucas placed it next to the door, and Jens slid his backpack off, dropping it next to the board.

He followed Lucas away from the house, across the street, both of them silent until they came to a small playground. Lucas was reminded of the playground Jens tried to kiss him in. Maybe in this park, they could kiss without worrying about an old man yelling at them to leave.

**Jens**  
Lucas sat on a swing, pressing his legs together and looking at the ground. Jens watched him for a second before sitting on the swing next to him, still looking at him, like he was trying to read his mind. If only. 

Lucas didn't look okay. He was pale, and there were dark circles under his eyes like he hadn't slept in days. He looked tired. And yet, he truly was the most beautiful boy Jens had ever laid his eyes on. When he had walked past Jens, he smelled faintly like weed, and Jens worried.

He wanted nothing more than to reach out to Lucas, to wrap him up in his arms, bury his face is Lucas's curly hair, to breathe him in, to tell him everything was okay. To not let go until Lucas could tell him he was alright.

But he didn't. 

He waited. Patiently. Looking at Lucas in the dark, waiting to hear his voice. Lucas looked up at the stars.

"Lucas-"

"I don't... I don't know how to explain it."

"Just try. For me."

They were whispering, their words almost lost to the wind.

"Panic attacks." The words sounded splintered, pushed out of him. "Sometimes I..." Jens watched as Lucas closed his eyes, still facing the sky. "I break. And I don't know how to stop it."

"I can try to help you-" Jens tried.

"I don't want you to-to have to do that." Lucas's eyes opened again and he looked at Jens for a second before looking back away. "You've got enough shit going on. And they're not just panicking, they're..."

Lucas stopped, pressing his lips together and tilting his head back, looking at the sky again. 

"Baby, talk to me, please," Jens said, his voice cracking. 

"Meltdowns, breakdowns, whatever you want to call them, they're... I don't want to hurt you."

"You couldn't hurt me-"

"No, Jens, I don't want to _hurt_ you."Lucas pulled a hand out of his pocket and held it out between them, not looking at Jens. 

Jens looked at his hand, reaching out and gently touching him. He looked at Lucas's face and moved his hand so he held his fingers, not touching the bruises. 

"Lucas..."

"It was just a wall. But I've..."

"We can get you help, Lucas." Jens leaned forward, pulling himself closer on the swing.

"This isn't yours to deal with, Jens, you've got your own life." Lucas tried to pull his hand away from Jens's but gave up when Jens didn't let go. 

"It _is_ mine to deal with." Jens's voice was louder than it had been since he arrived. " _Everything_ that you're dealing with is mine to deal with, okay? I want to help you." 

"Jens, I-" Lucas broke off, choking back a quiet sob. His fingers tightened around Jens's. Jens stood, pulling Lucas's hand up with him. 

"Come here," he said quietly. 

Lucas looked up at him helplessly, tears spilling from his eyes. 

"Come here," he repeated, tugging at his hand. "Baby." 

Lucas stood, pulling himself up on Jens's hand weakly, and let Jens draw him in, laying his head on Jens's chest. Jens let go of his hand and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing them together, and Lucas grabbed the lapels of Jens's jacket, gripping them like his life depended on it, even when his hand began to ache. 

**Lucas**  
"I've got you," he heard Jens murmur in his ear. He held on tighter, feeling Jens adjust his arms around him, and pulled his head back to look at him. Jens was blurry, and Lucas didn't even try to wipe his face, letting the tears stream down his cheeks and neck, leaving cold tracks behind them.

"I love you," Jens whispered after a second. 

Lucas closed his eyes.

"Just let me." Jens's voice was all he could hear. "Let me love you."

Lucas let him.

He let him press soft kisses to the top of his head, let him wipe away his tears that wouldn't stop falling. He let Jens hush him, holding Lucas's head against his chest, let him support him when his knees buckled from exhaustion, slowly lowering them to the ground, where Lucas buried his face in Jens's chest, not trying anymore to quiet his sobs. As he cried, he felt Jens run his hands over his head, combing through his neglected hair, he felt Jens's chest move up and down, felt his shoulders shaking. 

"It's okay," Jens choked out. "I've got you."

Lucas wasn't alone anymore. 

\---

"Do you know when your mom is coming home?'' Jens asked as they entered Lucas's house. He'd left his skateboard next to the door, next to Lucas's shoes, and he had put his backpack on, holding the strap on his shoulder awkwardly. Lucas shook his head lightly, walking into the living room and turning off the light. He turned to go back to Jens, who was watching him from the doorway, before turning back and grabbing the joint, tapping the burning end against the bottom of the ashtray. 

As he approached Jens again, Jens asked quietly "Was it a voluntary admission?" 

Lucas paused before nodding. It wasn't voluntary, not exactly, but she hadn't fought it. She knew it was necessary. She was the one who had asked one of the nurses if she would be admitted, even before they told her. 

"Are you sure it's okay that I stay here? I can find a hotel," Jens said. Lucas looked at him, wrinkling his nose and furrowing his brows, and reached out, grabbing his hand and pulling him to the stairs behind himself. 

It was quiet, but for the first time in days, Lucas didn't need noise. Usually, silence scared him. It made his thoughts louder. But he wasn't scared of the silence right now.

 **Jens**  
Lucas let go of Jens's hand as they reached the top of the stairs and went ahead of him, leading him to a door toward the end of the narrow hallway. There were frames on the walls, around photos of Lucas and his mother. Jens paused, looking at it. It was taken a few years beforehand. Lucas's cheeks were fuller, his smile broad as he looked at his mother out of the corner of his eyes. She was laughing, looking mischievous, and was holding Lucas's arm that was around her neck. Jens smiled softly at the picture. 

He heard a door open and started to turn, his eyes skimming over the other pictures, seeing one of Lucas and Kes, both of them grinning like they knew something the photographer didn't. There was another picture right next to that one, one of a girl with a round face and curly brown hair on Lucas's back, her arms wrapped around his neck. 

"Shit." Jens almost didn't hear him. Lucas was down the hall, had disappeared behind his door, which stood ajar. Jens heard the shuffle of paper and walked slowly to the door, tilting his head to see through the doorway. 

"Are you okay?" he asked as he pushed it open. Lucas was kneeling on the floor, bending over to collect sheets of paper that were scattered across the room. "What's wrong?"

"It's not-" Lucas sounded panicked, his hands rushing to snatch papers from around him, not bothering to lay them flat, and instead throwing them into a messy pile in front of himself. Jens stepped closer, trying to look around him, but stopped when he saw a sheet Lucas had missed, just behind him. 

Looking closer, he saw his own face etched in pencil. 

He looked at it in wonder, slowly reaching down and picking it up gingerly. He recognized the picture as a photo he'd taken on Lucas's phone, and his heart aching like it was bursting at the seams. 

"Lucas..."

Lucas spun around and snatched the drawing from Jens's hand, adding it to stack in front of him before pushing all of them to the wall, away from himself. 

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, still on the floor and looking away from Jens. 

Jens shook his head, dropping his backpack off his shoulders and lowering it to the ground. He held his hand out to Lucas, searched for his eyes in the dark.

After a few seconds, he felt Lucas's fingers slide between his, and they both pulled so Lucas was standing in front of him. Even lit by just the moonlight coming through the window, Jens could see that Lucas's face was red, and Jens smiled, sliding his free hand over Lucas's arm, up to his shoulder, and around to the back of his neck. He tangled his fingers in Lucas's hair, watching Lucas's face soften and his eyes close. 

"I'm sorry," he repeated, whispering. "It's creepy."

Jens laughed softly, shaking his head again. "No, it's not." He gently pulled Lucas's hair, making Lucas lift his head as he was starting to drop it. They gazed at each other, Lucas's thumb moving back and forth over his skin and his other hand coming up to rest on Jens's waist. They looked into each other's eyes, not a trace of awkwardness or shyness between them. This was them: real and uninterrupted. Jens had missed this.

"I didn't know you were an artist."

Lucas scoffed, just a breath of air out his nose with a slight smirk, before the smile dropped and his eyes fell to look at Jens's mouth.

"I draw a lot when I'm sad."

Jens leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Lucas's. Based on Lucas's drawing, just the one Jens had seen, that must be often.

"You're good." 

Lucas smiled softly.

"Thank you."

They held each other for a minute, Jens lifting his head to press his lips to Lucas's forehead, until they both pulled away, untwining their fingers.

"You have sleep clothes and everything?" Lucas asked. Jens nodded. "You can use the bathroom if you want to."

After Jens had changed and brushed his teeth in Lucas's bathroom, feeling like a child at a sleepover, he stepped back into Lucas's room. Lucas was laying bed, covered in blankets, facing the wall. Jens shut the door silently, a hand pressed to the door and the other holding the knob. 

The floor creaked under his feet as he stepped toward the discarded pile of drawings. He bent over them, his hair falling in his face, and moved them, looking at the few toward the top. He'd never seen his face like this, portrayed as a work of art. He'd never thought about himself as anything worthy of creating. But Lucas... Lucas showed every detail of his face, everything Jens thought of as a flaw, and made it beautiful. He wondered if this was how Lucas saw him. He hoped so. 

He stood, dropping the drawing he was looking at to the floor and turned to the bed, seeing that Lucas had turned to face him, and was awake, his blue eyes watching him. Jens gave him a big awkward grin as if to say "Busted." Lucas smiled softly and moved backward on the bed, opening the blankets, an invitation. 

Jens climbed in next to him, and Lucas let go of the blankets, dropping his arm around Jens. Jens turned slightly, sliding his hand up Lucas's arm, and shifted, moving Lucas so he was laying on Jens's arm. His hand traced incoherent shapes on Lucas's side, and they both sighed.

"Can I tell you something?" Jens asked softly, just breathing the words.

"Of course." Jens felt Lucas's breath against his neck.

 **Lucas**  
It was a little bit before Jens told him. Lucas wondered if he had fallen asleep.

"I always... I _have_ always... been intimidated," he said slowly like he was thinking about it as he said it, "by the fact that I have my whole life ahead of me."

Lucas moved his head back, his eyes straining in the dark to see Jens. Jens was looking at the ceiling like he was stargazing. 

"I've always been scared of permanence. And of commitment, like _real_ commitment. I've never really been scared to lose people, people I've dated, I mean, and I just..." Jens sighed, his hands tightening on Lucas. Lucas looked up at him, laying his head on his arm. "I'm scared to lose you." If Lucas had any tears left in him, he would have broken down. Instead he leaned his head in and pressed a soft kiss to the cut of Jens's jaw. "You make me feel okay with the prospect of forever." 

Jens closed his eyes, as if in relief, and turned more, wrapping both arms around Lucas and taking a deep breath when Lucas pressed closer. 

"The idea of always," Jens added, like an afterthought, under his breath. 

Lucas fell asleep not long after, enveloped in Jens's arms, feeling Jens's breath on the top of his head, in complete silence. 


	68. Zaterdag 10:17

**Lucas**  
Lucas was cold when he woke up, even though the blankets were carefully placed on top of him, and his arm was stretched out in front of him, as though he had been holding on to something under the blankets. Blinking his eyes, he sat up, rubbing his face and stretching, his back popping, and he groaned quietly. He looked across the room, his eyes bleary, and smiled softly as he noticed Jens's bag placed in the corner next to the door. A few feet from his bag sat the drawings, which, Lucas realized, had been reorganized, placed in neat stacks instead of the messy pile Lucas had thrown them into last night. 

He pulled back the blankets and swung his leg off the bed, sitting still for a second, his shoulders hunched and his hands supporting him at his sides. His head ached, and his mouth and throat felt dry. 

The sound of the kitchen faucet made him look up. The door to his room was almost closed, just a crack open. He stood, stumbling slightly, and swung the door open, hearing the faucet turn off. He made his way downstairs, seeing Jens as he turned in to the kitchen.

He was leaning against the counter, a glass full of water in his hand, lifted to his mouth, and was looking at his phone, not seeing Lucas enter. Lucas stopped in the doorway, watching him for a second. He was typing slowly with one hand, the glass touching his lips. His hair was messy (the thought of combing it with his fingers crossed Lucas's mind), the sleeves of his red sweatshirt pulled up his forearms. Lucas smiled softly. He really did come all the way from Antwerp. All the way to another country. For Lucas.

This beautiful boy, this boy that Lucas had only met in one city, only seen in parks and empty alleyways and parties, this boy Lucas had dreamed of, hoped for, this boy Lucas had fallen in love with was real, tangible, corporeal. And he was standing just feet away from him, in his kitchen, drinking a glass of water. 

Lucas went in further and Jens looked up. He stepped up the counter across from Jens and pulled himself up to sit on it, crossing his ankles and placing his hands in his lap. 

"Good morning." Jens's voice was rough. Lucas liked it.

"Hi." 

He watched as Jens slid his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants and took another sip of the water before moving so he was in front of Lucas, holding the glass up. Lucas took it in both hands and drained it, soothing his throat. Jens watched, his eyes soft on him.

"How do you feel?"

Lucas shrugged in response, placing the glass next to himself and looking down at his hands. Jens stepped closer, putting his hands on the counter so Lucas was between his arms, and put his forehead against Lucas's. 

Lucas pulled his head back and leaned closer, nuzzling his face into Jens's neck, and felt Jens move his hands to Lucas's legs, gripping his hips lightly. 

"Does your mom know you're here?" Lucas whispered against his skin.

"I texted her this morning."

"Is she okay with it?"

"She's okay with anything if it has to do with you."

Lucas smiled. He closed his eyes, shifting his head so he was closer, and sighed. He knew Jens's eyes were closed. He didn't have to look.

"When are you going back?" He asked it almost silently, dreading the answer. Whatever Jens said, it was too soon. 

Jens took a breath before answering. "Don't know. We'll see."

"What about school?"

"My mom said she would send an email. I can get assignments and everything online, like what you're doing."

"What is she saying in the email?"

Jens pulled back, pushing Lucas's hips gently, and looked at his face. He lifted a hand and pushed a curl out of Lucas's face. Lucas realized how messy his own hair must have been, and was positive it didn't look anywhere near as cute as Jens's did.

"I have to attend to family matters," he said easily. 

Lucas closed his eyes, feeling Jens's fingertips on his face, brushing over his cheek, forehead, and brow.

"You don't have to stay," Lucas said without opening his eyes.

"I'm staying," Jens said after a second. "I want to help you." 

Lucas looked down, avoiding Jens's eyes.

"How can I? When you need help?" 

"Just..." Lucas lifted his head. Jens stepped back slightly, taking his hand off Lucas's face and placing both on the counter. "I might need to leave places. If they're too loud. Or if there are too much light and stuff going on." He looked back down. "Help me breathe."

Jens nodded, still gazing at his face. 

"Okay."

"There are days..." Lucas pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands. "There are days that I don't wanna get out of bed. If I'm too anxious. Or too sad. There are times I don't wanna talk. Or can't talk. Or that I get mad. I might get annoyed by little things, might snap or lash out." He looked up into Jens's eyes. "I'm difficult, Jens."

Jens cocked his head. 

"Me too."

"You're impossible," Lucas said, shaking his head.

"You can't deter me, I'm in love with you." 

Lucas searched his eyes, his own flicking between Jens's.

"Those days..." Jens said. "Where you don't want to get out of bed." Lucas wanted to look away again, but couldn't, Jens's eye contact intense, entrancing. "What do I do?" 

Lucas shrugged. 

"You can try to get me up. Maybe just to go downstairs, eat or drink water. I might be able to go for a walk. Maybe just lay on the sofa instead of my bed." Jens nodded. "Maybe get me to take a shower or brush my teeth. But it might wear me out. Make me more tired."

"Anything is better than nothing," Jens said quietly. "We can take everything slow." Lucas felt like he could cry. Jens had said he loved him, but Lucas _knew_ it. "Day by day." Jens tilted his head, scanning Lucas's face like he was playing connect the dots with his freckles. "Minute by minute."

"Other times I won't be able to do anything."

"What do I do then?"

Lucas stared at him.

"Just wait." He was whispering. Jens nodded again. "Will you wait for me?"

"For as long as you need." 

Lucas took a deep breath and exhaled. His heart felt lighter.

"What can I do right now?"

Lucas didn't answer. He kept looking into his eyes, the first eyes he'd looked into in days. He'd avoided eye contact with his mother, avoided it with the nurses he'd bumped into in the hallways, with strangers he saw on the street. He'd missed Jens's eyes, the rich brown, the long lashes, the mole next to his right eye. Slowly, Lucas looked down, reaching his hands out to take Jens's, and placed them on his waist. When Jens spread his hands, touching the thick fabric of his hoodie, Lucas leaned in, putting his head back on Jens's shoulder, his forehead touching the skin of his neck, and placed his hands on his chest, curled like a child's.

Jens sighed, sliding his hands around to Lucas's back and pulling him closer. 

"We can just stay like this," he whispered. Lucas nodded, closing his eyes.

Jens slipped his hands to Lucas's bottom, sliding him off the counter and carrying him out of the kitchen. Lucas wrapped his arms around Jens's neck and hooked his ankles at the small of his back. 

Jens carried him up to him room, going up the stairs slowly, looking over Lucas's shoulder at the ground. Lucas only knew they'd reached his room when he felt Jens kneel on the bed, slowly lowering both of them so Jens laid on top of him. Lucas's arms tightened, a hand sliding up to Jens's hair.

_I've got you._


	69. Zondag 13:08

tw: mentions of self-harm

 **Jens**  
Jens looked across the bed at Lucas, who was sitting with his back against the headboard, a plastic bowl in his lap. He was looking at his phone, lifting fries to his mouth, taking small bites. Jens hadn't seen Lucas eat since he'd arrived in Utrecht, and he was happy to see him eat, even it was just a small amount of junk food. Lucas's eyes cut up from his phone, looking at Jens, and he smiled shyly, looking back down. Jens grinned.

"Hey." Jens kicked Lucas's foot, taking his leg out from under himself.

"Hey." Lucas set his phone on his lap, taking another bite.

"Questions?" Jens asked, holding up his phone. Lucas nodded. "Okay, hang on."

He could feel Lucas's eyes on him while he searched. About a minute later, he looked up at Lucas, who was gazing at him, his lower lip between his lips. They stared at each other for a few seconds, not saying anything until Jens interrupted the silence, clearing his throat.

"Uhm..." He broke their eye contact, looking down at his phone. "Do you have any tattoos or piercings?" He looked back up at him, raising his eyebrows and cocking his head.

"I think you would know if I did." Lucas's voice was soft, even though he was suppressing a smile.

"Okay, true. _Would_ you get any tattoos or piercings?" he fixed the question.

"Hm." Lucas took a deep breath. He watched Jens, thinking. "Maybe."

"What would you get?"

"Tattoo, I don't know. Piercing, maybe..." He lifted a finger and touched the side of his nose. Jens smiled brightly.

"That would look cute on you."

"Isa got hers down a while ago and I thought it looked nice."

"Mm." Jens nodded. It would look nice on Lucas. Artistic. "Your turn."

Lucas looked down at his phone, typing, and Jens took the moment to appreciate the boy sitting across from him. Messy curls, tired blue eyes. A different hoodie than he slept in the previous night, Jens's hoodie that he'd had in his bag, a hoodie Lucas stole while Jens was in the shower. Jens had taken revenge by stealing one of Lucas's t-shirts while he was picking the food up from the delivery person. Just Lucas's smile alone when he walked back into the room, carrying two paper bags, seeing Jens sit and smile innocently, could have kept Jens's heart bright for weeks.

But when Jens's eyes skimmed down to Lucas's hand, purple and green, his heart broke a little.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I thought it was my turn," Lucas said quietly, not looking up.

"You can ask me after."

"Go ahead." He sounded like he already knew what Jens was going to ask.

It was a few seconds before he did.

"Do you hurt yourself?"

Lucas looked up at him, dropping his phone.

"Only during breakdowns." He held up his hand, showing Jens the bruises. He'd told Jens about the mindlessness of it, how he usually didn't even know he'd been hurt until afterwards. The room was silent, the sounds of the outside world muffled behind walls and closed windows.

"And on purpose?" His voice almost blended in with the sound of passing cars. He was scared of the answer, scared the Lucas hurt so much that he had to hurt himself, scared that he had while he'd known Jens, while Jens assumed everything was fine, while the thought of this torment Lucas knew so well hadn't even crossed Jens's mind. He was scared that he wouldn't be able to help Lucas. Scared he would know how to.

"Not in a long time."

Jens nodded. He wanted to reach across the bed, wanted to pull Lucas in and kiss him until he was okay. But he didn't.

Lucas seemed to understand the way Jens was looking at him and pushed himself forward, setting the bowl aside, until their legs were tangled under the thick blanket as he looked back down at his phone. He pulled Jens's hand into his lap, running his fingertips lightly up and down Jens's forearm. A chill went down Jens's spine.

"Do you believe in soulmates?" Lucas tilted his head back, smiling almost slyly. Jens suppressed a smile as he saw Lucas's eyes flit to his mouth.

"Maybe."

Before he could even think of another response, Lucas was leaning across their legs, lifting his hand off of Jens's arm, and gently kissing him. Jens's eyes fluttered shut as he gasped softly, touching Lucas's wrist. Lucas dropped his phone, setting his other hand on Jens's face, and slipped his fingers into his hair, pulling lightly.

Jens put his hands on Lucas's waist, drawing his body closer as Lucas leaned back, looking at Jens's face, and Lucas ended up sitting between Jens's legs, his own wrapped around Jens's waist. They both leaned in, their foreheads pressing together, and Lucas pressed his hands to his face, his thumbs brushing his cheekbones. Their breaths mixed, and suddenly neither of them felt very cold.

"I missed you," Lucas breathed.

Jens kissed him again, angling his head and gently taking Lucas's lower lip between his own. Lucas sighed, sliding a hand down Jens's neck.

"I thought we were asking questions," Lucas whispered after a minute when Jens pulled away to breathe.

"I'd rather do this."

Lucas smiled and pulled him in again. Jens slid a hand under his hoodie, pressing his hand flat against Lucas's back. He was warm. They stayed like that, Lucas's hands against Jens's face, Jens's against his back and waist, kissing lazily. Nothing else in the world demanded their attention.

After several minutes, Lucas pulled away slowly and Jens gazed at him through hooded eyes. His eyes were still closed, his mouth hanging open slightly like he was in a trance, and Jens smiled before pressing one more soft kiss to his reddened lips.

"I'm going to see my mom on Wednesday," Lucas said.

"Yeah?"

"Do you wanna come to meet her?"

Jens leaned back, taking in Lucas's face for real. His eyes opened, and a slow smile grew across his face.

"Really?"

"Mhmm."

"Like as your boyfriend?"

"Obviously."

Jens shoved his face into Lucas's, kissing him happily.

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." They stared at each other. 

**Lucas**  
His boyfriend was going to meet his mom.

Lucas felt like his heart could burst open.

"Do you think she'll like me?" Jens asked after a silent second. He sounded nervous, almost shy. Lucas snorted.

"She already loves you."

Jens furrowed his brow at him, confused.

"What do you mean?"

Lucas could feel his face flush with embarrassment, his cheeks becoming pink.

"I...may have already told her about you."

"Told her what?"

"Just..." He looked away from Jens's eyes, looking at the base of his neck, where his thumb was gently tracing over his exposed collarbone. The t-shirt he had on was massive on Lucas when he wore it, purchased as pyjamas from a cheap second-hand store, and the collar of it was baggy, hanging down when Jens bent over. "Why I like you."

"Mhmm..."

"That you're silly. And make dumb jokes."

"Rude."

"That you're nice. And you're a good big brother to Lotte. You're sweet."

Jens slowly moved his fingers over Lucas's skin, gazing at him.

"You're funny, and smart, and clever. And you always know just what to say, even when you don't know that I feel like shit. And that you're pretty." Lucas leaned forward and pecked him on the mouth. "She agrees."

"How would she know?"

His face flushed again.

"I may have shown her a few pictures of you." His mouth twisted to the side. "Most of my pictures of you."

"Are you serious?"

"A hundred percent, yeah."

Jens kissed him again, giggling. Lucas was embarrassed, but he supposed he didn't have to be.

"So I'm going to meet your mom," Jens said when he finally pulled away.

"Yeah."

"How is this going to go? How should I act?"

"Just like you." He looked into Jens's eyes. "Maybe just...toned down a little."

"Hey!"

Lucas snickered quietly, pulling Jens in by his hair to kiss him again.

"Really though." He was slightly breathless. "You don't have anything to worry about."

"No?"

"Mm-mm." He shook his head, playing with Jens's hair carefully. "She said you make my fire burn brighter."


	70. Maandag 14:18

**Lucas**  
"I'd be in my math class right now." Lucas didn't open his eyes at Jens's voice. Instead, he turned his head, nuzzling his face into Jens's lap. 

"Yeah?" 

He felt Jens's fingers in his hair, alternating between tangling his fingers in the curls, messing them up, making them fall in his face, and carefully separating the curls, stroking them away from his closed eyes. 

"Yeah." Jens sighed and placed his other hand on Lucas's waist. "I like this more, though."

"Mm." Lucas smiled. "Me too." He pulled his legs up, curling into a ball next to Jens, and felt as Jens slid his hand down his waist, his hip, over his thigh, before sliding back up. 

After eating lunch together (some strange sandwiches Jens had thrown together) (Lucas didn't think Jens could have explained it if he'd asked him to), Lucas had dragged Jens back to his room, gently pushing him onto the bed. For a second, he'd worried that Jens might have gotten the wrong idea, that he'd wanted something more than to just hold him close. But when he'd looked into his eyes, into his eyes that were smiling softly at him, he knew it was okay. 

As Lucas lay in his lap, though, there was a slight sense of dread in his chest. Lucas wasn't the only thing in Jens's life, even if Jens acted like it.

"Don't you have homework or anything?" he asked quietly, opening his eyes and looking up. Jens's eyes were open, gazing down at him. 

"Some."

"Did you bring it with you?"

"It's online." Jens's voice was quiet, and he brushed his fingertips over Lucas's brow.

Lucas sat up, Jens's hand falling away, and pushed himself over the bed, reaching across Jens's legs, to rummage around the floor until he felt his laptop. He grabbed it and sat up, placing it in Jens's lap. 

"You have to do your homework."

"Babe-"

"I won't let you fail any classes because of me." He opened it and typed in a passcode, swivelling it around to face Jens. "Do your homework." 

Lucas turned and sat with his back against the headboard, crossing his arms and looking away defiantly, and Jens laughed quietly. 

Jens opened a browser and signed into his email, finding several emails from his teachers. 

"Oh, shit." 

"Mmhmm." 

Jens laughed again and elbowed Lucas lightly (Lucas giggled and shoved his arm away), before he turned, holding the laptop in his lap, and laid his head on Lucas's lap. He propped the computer on his knees and sighed when he felt Lucas run his hands through his hair. 

Jens's dark hair twisted around his fingers, the sound od Jens's breath typing lulled Lucas to sleep. He didn't see Jens look up at him, smiling, didn't feel Jens pull one of his hands away from his hair, didn't feel Jens kiss his healing knuckles softly.


	71. Dinsdag 18:21

**Lucas**  
It wasn't dark outside yet, but Lucas and Jens both lay in bed, facing each other. Light was streaming through the window, between cracks in the curtains, washing both of them in a warm, pinkish-red glow. Lucas brushed his hand over Jens's face, looking into his eyes, before dropping his hand onto Jens's on the bed between them. 

The dark brown of Jens's eyes gleamed, and they looked like they were glowing. Lucas couldn't tear his gaze away. Not that he wanted to.

Jens twisted his hand, weaving his fingers with Lucas's, not looking away. 

Lucas hoped Jens could read what he was trying to say, what he couldn't say with words. He had barely been able to speak all day, and all he wanted to say to Jens was lost on the way to his mouth. Lucas stared into his eyes, flickering back and forth between Jens's trying to tell him.

_I want you_   
_I want you_   
_I want you_

Somehow, even without saying anything, he felt like Jens understood him. 

So he did what he's been wanting to do all day.

He kissed him.

This was different than the kisses they'd shared yesterday. Yesterday, they were sweet, lazy, soft, and they both pulled away before it got too heated, resting their foreheads on each other, wrapping their arms around each other in warm embraces. But now...

Now, Lucas pressed his mouth to Jens's in a hot kiss, biting down on his lip, pulling his hand away and placing it in Jens's hair, pulling. He heard Jens gasp quietly and felt Jens slide his hand over Lucas's body, pulling him in by the waist. He pulled away before pushing his body forward and kissing him again, slipping his hand out of Jens's hair, gliding down to his neck, where he gently squeezed, eliciting a short moan from Jens's throat. 

Lucas's pulse sped up until he was panting into Jens's mouth, and Jens was swallowing each of his breaths. He let go of Jens and pushed himself up so he was above him, then gently pulled at the hem of the blanket that was covering his body, slowly pulling it off of him as Jens's hands slid to hold Lucas's face.

"We don't have to," Jens whispered, pulling away and placing a hand on Lucas's, stopping him. Jens's eyes were intense, reading the same thing he said the first time they did this. _Are you sure?_

Lucas let go of the blanket, pushing himself up all the way so he was kneeling next to Jens, and tugged at the hem of his sweatshirt. Jens's sweatshirt. He pulled it over his head, and Jens watched, not looking at his bare chest, and instead at his face. A few seconds passed between them before Jens pushed himself forward, shoving their faces together in a harsh kiss, a hand brought up to hold Lucas's head as the other supported himself, and Lucas smiled softly against his mouth as he pulled the blanket off of him. 

Lucas slid his hands under Jens's shirt, gently smoothing over his warm skin, before tugging at his shirt. Jens leaned away, breathing heavily, and let Lucas pull the shirt over his head. After tossing the shirt to the floor, Lucas put his hands on Jens's shoulders, pulling himself up and throwing a leg over Jens's lap, before pushing Jens back so he was laying down. Jens watched him, his eyes wide in what was almost wonder. Lucas bent down to kiss him, both hands holding the sides of his head, his hair gripped tightly.

Jens's hands slid up over Lucas's legs, getting caught in the thick fabric of his sweatpants, gripping his thighs. Lucas sighed into his mouth, sliding his tongue across Jens's bottom lip before pulling back and pressing his lips to the side of Jens's neck, alternating between gentle kisses and harsh bites, making Jens gasp and let out quiet moans. Lucas kissed his way down his neck and collarbone, down his chest and stomach, and slowly slipped his fingers around the hem of Jens's sweatpants. 

"Lu..." 

**Jens**  
Jens let Lucas take control. Let Lucas slide both their pants off, let Lucas climb on top of him. He watched as Lucas reached behind himself, watched as his jaw dropped, as his eyes closed, as his chest raised with every gasp for breath he took.

This was different than the other times.

The other times, what needed to be said was said. 

This time, there was nothing to be said. But at the same time, it felt like there was. Jens had said everything he needed to say to Lucas, but the way Lucas looked down at him, his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes flicking back and forth between Jens's, looked like there was something he had to say, but couldn't. Jens slid his hands up Lucas's legs, gripping him tightly. He watched, helpless as Lucas's eyes welled in tears, words stuck in his throat.

"Baby..." 

Jens didn't know what to say. What to do. All he could do was go with it as Lucas took charge, as Lucas said everything he couldn't with his body instead of his words. But even as he and Lucas moaned and gasped, as they gritted their teeth and clutched at each other, every sound out of Lucas's mouth sounded like the start of a word, like the beginning of _something._

_Just say it_ , Jens pleaded with him silently, searching in his eyes. _Whatever it is. I can see it in you, just please. Please._

**Lucas**  
Lucas wanted more than anything to say it. 

The words he'd whispered when Jens wasn't listening, couldn't hear him, when he was sleeping across from him. The words he'd said in his head while kissing him, while holding his hand, while he had his face hidden in his neck. The words he'd wanted to say since that night Lucas apologized to him. The words he kind of said in the voice message, but didn't really, because he couldn't. Because every _fucking_ time he tried to, the words got stuck in his throat like some invisible string was tied to them, not letting them get past his lips.

Lucas slid his hands across Jens's skin as he moved on top of him. With his hand on Jens's throat, he felt as Jens groaned lowly, and he felt as Jens's stomach tightened as he pushed up into Lucas. Lucas let out a high, short moan, that sounded awfully like "I-".

Lucas looked into Jens's eyes, felt Jens's eyes search him, and felt tears stream down his face. Jens reached up and gently wiped his face.

"My boy..." 

Lucas shut his eyes and turned his face against Jens's hand, and let out another high pitched noise as Jens sat up, sliding his other hand around to the small of Lucas's back. Jens kissed him, their bodies slowing to a stop as their tongues pressed together, and their breaths mixed and their teeth clashed. 

" _I love you_." 

The words lept from his mouth like the string had been snipped. 

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I-" 

And Lucas couldn't stop, as Jens stared at him in wonder, as Jens touched his face gently like he was going to break. 

"I love you, I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't, I- I could-couldn't." His voice cracked and broke, falling apart, and he knew he was crying, knew he was sobbing, knew he looked awful, but he couldn't look away.

"I love you too," Jens whispered as he pushed his hair out of his face, pressed the tips of his fingers against his skin, wiping it clear of tears. "I love you so much." He pulled Lucas in again, pressing a short kiss to his mouth before pressing kisses across his cheeks and forehead, his lips salty. 

"I love you, I- _Jens_." Lucas rolled his hips as Jens did the same, and moaned loudly. His knees tightened around Jens's hips as his fingers tightened in his hair, and he felt Jens's hands press against the small of his back, pulling him closer. Lucas wrapped his arms around Jens, scratching his back with his blunt nails without meaning to, and Jens let out a noise somewhere between a pant and a moan. 

Lucas pulled him closer like he wanted to open Jens's skin and crawl inside.

Like he wanted to tangle their veins and press their hearts together until they were one.

And suddenly, with the sounds Jens made around him, with the feeling of Jens, 

whatever had been holding him back,  
whatever door had been slammed in his face,  
whatever lock had been in his face,

broke.

And suddenly,   
Lucas van der Heijden was a bird set free. 

_You've got me._   
_Right where I need to be._   
_Hold on forever._   
_Don't ever let go._

**Jens**

_I've got you._   
_Right where I need you._   
_I'll hold on forever._   
_I won't ever let go._


	72. Woensdag 10:47

**Jens**  
There were bruises on Lucas's leg last night. They were light, Jens almost didn't even see them, but when he did, he eased his grip on his thighs, not wanting to hurt him. Instead of holding his legs, he'd smoothed his hands over them, sliding up to grab him waist. Lucas had held onto him so tightly, it felt like he would never let go. Jens was okay with that.

There was hardly five seconds since that they weren't touching each other. They'd fallen asleep soon afterwards, Lucas's fingers tangled in Jens's hair, a hand on his throat, and Jens's arms wrapped around Lucas's waist, his face buried in his neck, leaving soft kisses across the skin. Jens had fallen asleep to Lucas whispering to him that he loved him. It was like he couldn't stop saying it now that he could. 

When he woke up, the room washed in a gentle yellow light, Lucas was still holding on to him, both arms wrapped around Jens's waist, his face pressed against his bare chest. Jens looked at him, smiling tenderly, and placed a hand on his head, touching his hair. With his other hand, he pulled the blanket up over them, carefully placing it so it didn't cover Lucas's face. Lucas sighed, pulling himself closer to Jens, and opened his eyes, looking up at him sleepily.

"Hi." Lucas's voice was broken with sleep, just a breath.

Jens looked at him, smiling softly. 

"Hi." 

Lucas closed his eyes, tilting his chin up in Jens's direction. Jens's smile grew, and he leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to his mouth. He felt Lucas's lips curl into a smile as Lucas kissed him back, pulling his arms away and sliding his hands over Jens's neck and face until he was holding him by his hair. 

"Mm." Jens pushed himself up so he was leaning over Lucas as Lucas pulled his lip between his teeth. Lucas let go, sighing, as Jens pulled the blanket down. He gazed up at Jens, his eyes flicking back and forth between Jens's before skimming the rest of his face, reaching up and brushing his fingertips over his cheekbones and brows. He touched the mole next to Jens's eye, smiling, and pulled Jens in as he leaned up, pressing a gentle kiss to it as Jens giggled silently. 

"You know I love you?" Jens asked as slid his lips across Lucas's cheek and down his neck.

"Mm-hmm." He could hear Lucas's smile, knew that his eyes were closed.

Jens felt Lucas's fingers in his hair as he kissed down his chest, pausing to carefully bite at the skin. Lucas's hands tightened, pulling Jens's hair, and Jens grinned against his skin, lightly scraping his teeth against him as he moved down his stomach.

"I do," he said. "Really." He glanced up at Lucas's face. He looked peaceful, almost like he was asleep. Jens moved further down the bed, peppering slow kisses on Lucas's skin until he was pressing kisses over the fading bruises on Lucas's thighs. He looked up when he felt Lucas's eyes on him, and looked up. They gazed at each other for a second, Lucas smiling softly. "Really." 

"I believe you."

Jens moved to kiss his other leg, sliding his hands over his stomach and legs, feeling as Lucas shivered slightly. 

"Hey," Lucas said, gently tugging Jens's hair. "I have to tell you something."

"Oh, no." Jens left one last kiss on his leg before lifting himself up to look at Lucas, who laughed quietly before pulling him in for a kiss as he lay next to him, reassuring him. 

"Nothing bad." 

"What's up?" 

Lucas's mouth twisted to the side as his fingers brushed over Jens's face. 

"I got a text from the guys," he said slowly. "And they asked if I wanted to go to a party tomorrow. Since I haven't seen any of them since I got back." 

"And do you feel like going to a party?" 

Lucas watched Jens's mouth as he spoke.

"I want to see them."

"Okay." 

"But I..."

Jens waited for a second before prompting him to speak, nudging his nose gently against Lucas's. He slipped a hand across Lucas's waist, pulling him in slightly. 

"I don't want to come out yet."

"That's okay. I can wait here."

Lucas looked into his eyes, frowning. 

"But I don't want to leave you behind."

Jens sighed and kissed him softly. 

"Then I can go. And wait somewhere there, or around there. You can come find me when you're ready to go." Lucas stared at him like he was considering it. "Just go to see your friends, okay? I bet they're worried about you." 

"Hm." Lucas kissed him slowly, licking Jens's lip lazily.

"Hm? We can go a bit early. You can stick me someplace and I'll stay there. Go see your friends. Get me when you wanna leave." 

Lucas nodded slightly. 

"Does that sound good?"

"Yeah." 

"Okay." 

They both leaned it again, kissing shortly before Lucas moved his head press against Jens's chest. Jens shifted them so he could tuck his arm under Lucas's head, and ran his fingers through his curls as he felt Lucas trail his own fingers across his skin, leaving chills in their wake.

"You're meeting my mom today," Lucas mumbled, his lips brushing Jens's skin. 

"Oh, shit, that's right."

"Are you excited?"

"Actually, yeah. But I'm nervous."

"You don't have to be. She's gonna love you."

"You think so?" Jens was still unsure.

"I know so."


	73. Woensdag 15:09

**Lucas**  
Lucas hadn't told his mom that Jens was in Utrecht yet. But somehow, walking into the building with Jens, their fingers linked, he wasn't nervous at all. He hadn't felt so calm in a while. 

As Lucas signed them in, he noticed that Jens had a slight smile on his face. 

They made their way to his mom's room, and Lucas let go of Jens's hand, holding it up when they were a few feet from her door. 

"She doesn't know you're coming," he said when Jens looked at him confused. 

" _What?_ " Jens's eyes widened and he tilted his head. "Are you serious?"

Lucas giggled, his shoulders hunching. 

"Yeah... I may have forgotten to let her know."

"'Forgotten.'"

"Yeah..." Lucas suppressed another smile as Jens stared at him. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm worrying about it."

"Don't."

Lucas pushed open the door without waiting for Jens to answer. He poked his head in, seeing his mom sitting on the bed, her legs crossed in front of her, with a book in her lap. She looked up when he whispered to her, grinning brightly. He looked at her through the door, not saying anything, and she folded the corner of the page she was on, moving the book to the table beside her bed slowly, her brow furrowing in confusion. 

"Uhm..." Lucas stepped through the door slightly, holding it open behind himself. He could hear Jens trying not to laugh. "So, there's someone here to see you."

"I thought you were here to see me." It sounded like a question. 

"Yeah, no, I am, it's just, uhm..." Lucas turned to look at Jens and smiled awkwardly as he looked back at his mom. 

"Who is it?" she asked, shifting on the bed so she was facing the door.

"Uhm... Jens?"

" _Huh?_ " She made the same face Jens had outside and Lucas laughed, reached out to grab Jens's arm, pulling him toward the door. Jens stumbled into the room after Lucas, smiling shyly.

"Hi." He waved weakly, a hesitant smile on his face. 

" _Jens!_ " She gasped and jumped, beaming like he was an old friend she hadn't seen in years. He grinned and moved forward when Lucas pushed him in her direction. She was holding her hands out, so Jens placed his in hers, and she sat back, pulling him to sit on the bed. "How are you? Your journey was safe? You're alright?"

"I- Yes, ma'am," he said, startled by her sudden attack of questions. "You sound like you knew I was coming." 

"Oh, I did. I made Lucas promise to call you." She ran her fingers over the backs of his hands, analyzing his face, like she was looking for something she couldn't see in the photos Lucas had shown her.

"Oh?" 

" _Mama._ " Lucas glared daggers at her, and she glanced at him before rolling her eyes.

"Oh, hush." She looked at Jens, reaching up with one hand and touching his face. "Lucas is being nice to you?" 

"What?" Lucas exclaimed. "I'm so nice."

"I didn't ask you." 

Lucas was glad to see that Jens was laughing. He didn't seem weirded out at all by his mother's eccentricity, which was Lucas's only worry, and he held onto her hands as hard as she was holding his. Lucas pulled a chair up next to the bed and sat, his knee pressing into Jens's.

"He's very nice," Jens reassured her.

"Okay, good." She beamed at him. "Lucas said you met at a holiday party?" She clearly wanted to hear his side of the story. 

"Yeah, we have a mutual friend, and we were both there. We got along right away."

"Ohhh..." She scrunched her nose, shrugging her shoulders up. "Who started talking first?" 

"Uhm," Jens paused, looking at Lucas, grimacing. "I think it was me."

"Of course it was you." They both laughed, and Jens went on to tell her about how they had sat in silence in the kitchen together until they really began talking, and Lucas watched, a faint smile on his face. 

He looked out the small window of the door when someone walked past and saw that it was a therapist, her attire more formal than a visitor's. He began to stand before relaxing, turning to look at Jens and his mom, both smiling and laughing together.

**Jens**  
"Uhm...Mama, do you want tea?" Jens turned at Lucas's voice. He was straining his neck slightly, looking out the window of the door, and looked back at his mother after a second.

"That sounds nice. But no caffeine," she said, holding up a finger. He nodded, standing and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Babe, you want tea?" He looked at Jens, whose cheeks became pink as he looked back at him, smiling for a second before responding.

"No, thank you." His voice was soft. Lucas smiled softly at him and leaned down to kiss him on the mouth quickly before nodding and leaving the room, shutting the door quietly behind himself. Jens's face burned as he turned to look at Lucas's mom. She hadn't seemed to stop smiling since he and Lucas had gotten there.

"You match," she said matter-of-factly. 

"What do you mean?" Jens asked, confused. She squeezed his hand lightly, holding it up absentmindedly. 

"Your spirits." 

\---

 **Lucas**  
Lucas folded a small piece of paper into a careful square before placing it in his pocket and picking up the disposable coffee cup that he'd filled with herbal tea. There was a chance he would forget it in his pocket, but he would try not to. He made his way down the hall to his mother's room, trying not to spill any of the tea.

He stopped outside her door, tilting his head to look through the window. 

Jens was sitting with his legs crossed on the bed, across from her, his shoes placed on the floor. He had his phone out, holding it in front of her, and they were both laughing as Jens swiped, showing her something. Lucas couldn't understand what he was saying, his voice muffled behind the door, but it sounded like he was telling her story. She was looking at Jens, her eyes wide, eyebrows raised, like she was excited. 

Lucas hadn't seen her look like that in a long time. 

He was struck, suddenly, with how much love he really had in his heart for the two he was looking at. The woman who raised him and the boy who stole his heart. Two of the most important people he knew. 

Lucas smiled softly and pushed the door open. They both looked up at the sound of the door swinging open, freezing, and then turned to each other, giggling. 

"Were you talking about me?" Lucas asked from the doorway, narrowing his eyes at them.

"Nooo..." Jens said innocently, and Lucas shook his head at him. 

"Tea!" His mom held out her hands, sitting up straight.

"It's hot, be careful," he said as he held it out to her, sliding his free hand across Jens's shoulders and up his neck, into his hair. She took it, grasping it between her hands, and Lucas sat next to Jens, pulling a leg up in front of himself. He kept his hand in Jens's hair, placing his elbow on the curve of his back. 

"What were you telling her about me?" he asked, playing with his hair.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Jens shrugs, looking away. 

Lucas looked at his mom, raising his eyebrows, and she did the same as Jens, lifting the cup to her lips and taking a small sip. 

"Oh, no!" she spluttered, lowering the cup quickly. "It's too hot." 

"What did I _say_?" Lucas said as she set the cut down next to herself. Jens laughed quietly next to him.

" _Sorry_ ," she said sarcastically. She looked up them, her eyes pausing at Lucas's hand in Jens's hair, and smiled. 

A few silent seconds passed, until Lucas interrupted it. 

"Are you going to tell me what you were talking about?" 

She shook her head. Lucas let out a playful huff and looked at Jens.

"Just that you're cute." 

"What _ever_." 

\---

Jens's arm slid around Lucas's shoulders as they exited the building, and Lucas grabbed his hand, smiling. 

"And?" he asked, looking at Jens's face. 

"I think she might like me."

"What did I tell you?" Lucas squeezed his hand, and Jens pulled Lucas in, jostling him as they walked. He laughed, gripping his hand harder to keep himself up, stumbling.

"Hey, guess what?" he said as they paused at a traffic light. He pulled Jens's arm off of his shoulder and turned to look at him. Jens faced him too, twisting his hand in Lucas's so their fingers weaved together. He reached up to Lucas's face, brushing his fingertip under his eye, before dropping it and looking into Lucas's eyes. Jens's eyes were sparkling. He looked happy.

"You remember how you said that we can get me help?" Lucas asked after a second, suppressing a smile and biting his lip. 

"Yeah?" Jens brushed his thumb over the back of his hand.

"Well..." Lucas took a deep breath and stepped closer, pulling his hand from Jens's and resting his forearms on Jens's shoulders, leaning his head back to look at him. Jens held onto his arms. "I might have made an appointment to meet a therapist next week." 

Jens paused, analyzing Lucas's eyes, before a smile crawled across his face. 

"Really?" 

"Mm-hmm." 

Jens kissed him hard, wrapping his arms around his waist, and pulled him into a hug. 

"Baby, that's great," he said, excited. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!" Jens kissed him again and Lucas smiled against his mouth. Jens pulled him to the side of the sidewalk even though there was no one around them. Lucas let Jens tug him, sliding his hands over his waist. 

"Mm." Lucas pulled back, gently squeezing Jens's sides. He rubbed their noses together before looking into Jens's eyes, which looked like they were watery. 

"What is it?" he asked, laughing slightly as Jens smiled weakly. Lucas pressed his forehead against Jens's, smiling.

Jens pushed him back gently, brushing his thumbs across his cheeks and cradling Lucas's face in his hands. He pursed his lips, scanning Lucas's face, flicking back and forth between his eyes before looking over his freckles. His eyes were smiling. 

"What?" Lucas asked, leaning in to look into his eyes.

"Just-" Jens swallowed and Lucas watched his throat move. He shrugged lightly. "I'm proud of you." 

Lucas tilted his head forward and Jens placed his forehead on his. They stayed there for a minute, forgetting about the pedestrian traffic light that had turned green for them, holding on to each other, sharing breaths.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Jens asked, opening his eyes. 

"What? No, it's next week. You've got school and stuff." 

Jens made a face that read "So?"

"Babe, no, you have to go back to Antwerp." 

"I'll stay for your appointment if you want me to."

"I can go myself, it's okay." 

"Are you sure?"

"Mm-hmm." Lucas pressed another kiss to his mouth before stepping back to take in his face. Jens's cheeks were slightly pink, his eyes glassy. 

"What are we doing now?" Jens asked, pulling his attention to his mouth. Lucas shrugged.

"Don't know." He gazed at Jens's lips, thinking. "Thought we could go home and make out." 

Jens laughed and kissed him quickly before wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pulling him across the road after checking the light was green.

"Sounds good. I can make lunch too."

"You will _not_ make lunch."


	74. Donderdag 19:58

**Lucas**  
Most of the lights shining on and flashing around them were a shade of blue, and fuck if Jens didn't look good in blue. Lucas had to hold himself back from pressing him to the wall he stood against. They were at the party Kes and Jayden had texted him about, a party somewhere in the city Lucas didn't go that much. Looking around, he couldn't see anyone he recognized from school, and he stood a little closer to Jens.

"I'll wait here, okay?" Jens asked, turning his head to look into Lucas's eyes.

"Mm-hmm." Lucas's mouth twisted to the side. He still felt bad about keeping Jens a secret. He felt bad for Jens, of course, his heart clenching with guilt every time he thought about it, but also for his friends. They were supposed to be his best friends. He was supposed to trust them, and all of that. But they didn't even know about his boyfriend. And his mother knew about his boyfriend. Lucas couldn't quite explain why he wasn't ready for his friends to know. He thought maybe he was scared of change. Scared that after they knew everything would change and be awkward, which would especially be true if Kes knew about the crush. 

"What's wrong?" 

Lucas shrugged, glancing away before looking back into his eyes and then at his mouth.

"I'm sorry." 

"Baby," Jens started, sighing, "It's okay." He leaned his head down, making eye contact with him. "I'm serious. You take your time. I can wait." He tried for a reassuring smile. "Okay?"

Lucas looked into his eyes for a few seconds before nodding and saying "Okay," quietly. He tilted his head so his forehead was pushed forward and Jens smiled again, pressing his lips to his skin shortly before pulling away. They both took a breath, looking around. Almost everyone around them was holding a bottle or a plastic red cup, the music pumping through huge speakers in every corner of the room. Lucas felt his phone buzz and pulled it out of his pocket, quickly reading the text message as Jens watched him, and looked back up.

"They're outside." 

"Okay." Jens looked into his eyes and took a deep breath, nodding. Lucas breathed with him, not realising his breathing had sped up. "You'll come find me when you want to leave. If it's too loud, or if you get tired. Yeah?" 

"I love you." 

Jens smiled. 

"I love you too." He jerked his head gently to the side. "Now go find your friends." 

Lucas pressed a hand to his chest, leaning up for a quick kiss, and left, disappearing between dancing strangers. 

**Jens**

Jens stayed there, pulling his phone out and scrolling through Instagram while he stood with his back pressed to the wall. He texted the guys and Milan (they'd made a new group chat, which Moyo had dubbed "Operation Love Lucas") telling them that Lucas was meeting his friends and Jens was staying around just in case.

"Hey."

Jens looked up at the sound of a boy's voice. He didn't recognise him, didn't expect to. He had short, light hair and dark eyes. Eyes that were scanning Jens slowly. Jens straightened, giving him a tight, uncomfortable smile. 

"You look lonely," the boy said, smiling.

"I'm not." 

"I said you _look_ lonely." The boy shifted on his feet, glancing at Jens's hands holding his phone.

"And I said I'm _not_." Jens stared back at him and didn't put his phone away, hoping the boy got the hint. He watched, his heart sinking, as the boy smirked, seeming to take Jens's demeanour as a challenge.

"Where are you from?" He lifted the bottle in his hands to his mouth, taking a slow sip. Jens sighed and glanced around, not seeing Lucas anywhere. He looked back at his phone, not seeing any new messages, and considered pretending to have to take a phone call, uncomfortable under the boy's eyes, but didn't want to leave the spot. 

"Belgium." He put his phone in the pocket of the jacket he had on.

"Mm." He lowered the bottle. "I was gonna guess Belgium." 

Jens didn't answer and looked away. 

"What are you doing in Utrecht?" the boy persisted.

"Visiting someone."

"He at this party too?" 

"Yeah." _Just leave, oh my God._

"But not here with you," the boy said, making a face that read "Yikes." Jens got angry, cutting his eyes up at the boy, who was slightly taller than him. 

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying, pretty face like yours, he must not care very much."

"Well, stop saying."

He made the face again, amused, and said: "Okay, then." Jens looked away, rolling his eyes, but he still didn't leave. 

"This party's pretty lame compared to others in the city. You should go to some other ones sometime..." He kept talking, but Jens didn't hear him. He'd glanced around the room again, and looking to his right saw that Lucas had re-entered the room with two guys. Jens recognized them from Lucas's Instagram and smiled softly when he saw Lucas laughing. They were too far away for Jens to hear what they were saying over the loud music and people talking and singing, but it looked like Kes had said something that made Lucas and Jayden laugh, Jayden shaking his head so his earring swung. Lucas looked past Jayden, making eye contact with Jens, and his smile grew. Jens's smile softened. 

" _Oh_ , okay." 

Jens turned his head to look at the boy, who apparently hadn't stopped talking. 

"Huh?" 

"You've got a guy." He gestured in Lucas's direction. 

"Yeah?" Jens shook his head at him. "I said I was here with someone." 

"Yeah, I thought you were just saying that to get rid of me."

Jens stared at him, confused. 

"If you thought that, maybe you should have just left." 

"All right." He huffed and pivoted on his heel, walking away, and Jens relaxed against the wall again. 

Turning his head to look at Lucas again, he saw that Lucas was talking to the guys, and smiled again before pulling his phone back out. 

Moyo: _JensJensJensJens_  
_How's your boy_  
Aaron: _Give him a kiss for me_  
Moyo: _That's weird_  
Aaron: _I don't care_  
Robbe: _Jens, everything's good?_

Jens smiled and shook his head at them before responding. 

_It's all good_  
_He's talking to his friends right now_

He waited as they all began to type, Milan included, and startled when he heard Lucas's voice.

"Jens!"

He looked up to see Lucas walking toward him, followed by Kes and Jayden. Lucas had a smile on his face, and Jens clicked his phone off, slowly putting it into his pocket while holding eye contact with Lucas, his eyes wide. He wanted to ask "What the fuck are you doing?" but didn't. Lucas stepped up close to him, grinning, and Jens lifted an arm, staring at him in wonder. Lucas grabbed his arm and pulled it around himself. Jens glanced up at the guys, who were watching them, also smiling lightly.

"I told them," Lucas said, sounding giddy, and leaned up to press a quick kiss to Jens's cheek. 

"Told them..." Jens smiled slowly, looking back and forth between Kes and Jayden.

"Well he _didn't_ tell us you're hot as hell," Jayden said.

"Jayden, what the fuck?" Lucas said dryly, lifting his head off of Jens as Kes punched Jayden lightly. 

"Am I wrong?"

"No." Lucas buried his face in Jens's shoulder, turning slightly. Jens snorted and winked comically at Jayden, who laughed.

"Jens, do you know when you're going back to Antwerp?" Kes asked, looking at him curiously. Jens sighed, pulling Lucas closer. 

"Tomorrow evening."

" _What?_ " 

Both Jayden and Kes began exclaiming expletives. 

"What the _fuck_."

"I just met you, and now you're _leaving?_ "

"It's Thursday, you can't stay for the weekend?"

Jens sighed.

"I would, but my mom needs me back to watch my sister." 

Jayden and Kes groaned loudly and dramatically, and Lucas and Jens both laughed at them. Lucas wrapped his arms around Jens's waist, under his jacket. They'd talked about it earlier, how his mom had messaged him out of the blue saying she needed him back in Antwerp. Jens had cried, frustrated beyond words, and Lucas had held him, telling him that he needed to go back eventually. "I don't think your mom or Lotte would be too happy if I stole you forever." Jens had laughed quietly and said, "I don't think they'd mind too much, actually." They'd agreed that he would go on Friday, a day before she needed him home, and in the evening, so they could spend every last second together. 

"Luc, have you told Isa?" Kes asked after a second. They didn't have to ask to know what he was talking about.

"No, not yet."

"Okay." He looked around. "She's around here somewhere."

"Oh, is she?" Lucas didn't let go of Jens.

"Yeah, we ran into her on our way here."

"I see her." Jayden jerked his chin up, keeping his hands stuffed in his pockets. "She's at the bar with Zoë and the girls." They turned to look, including Jens, even though he didn't even know who he was looking for.

"I..." Lucas turned to look at Jens.

"You don't have to," Jens said quietly, reading his face. 

"I kind of want to." 

They looked at each other as they spoke softly, not noticing both Jayden and Kes watching them with slight smiles on their faces. 

"Then you can." 

Lucas gazed at him, biting his lip. 

"Will you wait for me?" 

"Of course."

Lucas took a deep breath before leaning up and pressing a quick kiss to Jens's mouth, and let go, making his way to the bar. Jens watched him go, forgetting Kes and Jayden. 

"You don't have to worry," Jayden said, startling him. He looked at him. "Isa will probably want to go to another party to celebrate him coming out, honestly." Kes nodded in agreement, laughing. 

"I believe you." He chuckled lightly, and looked back in the direction of the bar, but couldn't see through the group of people that had moved next to them. "Can't really help it though."

"Understandable." 

They stood in silence for a few seconds. 

"He's happier," Kes said abruptly, looking at Jens. Jens looked back at him, confused. "I went to see him the other day. He wasn't great. But now..." He gave a little smile. "I think he just needed you." 

\---

"Here they come," Kes said, looking past Jens and Jayden. 

Jayden had insisted on taking a selfie with Jens (Jens thought he may have been a little tipsy) and said he would send them to Lucas when the night was done. "They'll make his little heart happy," he said. So, of course, Jens had to pull out his own phone to take a few pictures with them.

Jens turned to look behind them and saw Lucas walking with his arm around a shorter girl, with curly brown hair and a nose ring. Jens recognised her from the picture in the hallway at Lucas's house. She had bright pink, heart-shaped glasses on, crooked on her nose. There were four other girls walking with them, one with light brown skin and a bandana holding her hair out of her face, another with dyed red hair, a blonde girl in pink, and one with a black hijab. Jayden raised the phone up so they were all in the frame took a picture once they all had noticed it. 

"Are you Jens?" the curly-haired one asked him. 

"That's me." He took his arm away from Jayden, where it was resting on his shoulders, and turned toward the group that had joined them. The girl squealed, jumping into his arms, and he caught her, startled. His arms wrapped around her so she didn't fall, Jens looked to Lucas with wide, confused eyes. Lucas was laughing. 

"That would be Isa," he said, grinning happily.

"I'm Isa," she confirmed, letting go and sliding off of Jens, keeping her arms on his shoulders. She looked into his eyes intensely. "And you're a blessing." 

Everyone laughed, the girl with the bandana covering her face with her hand. The girl kept staring at him, a smile slowly creeping across her face. "I might be... a little bit drunk," she added, her voice slurring slightly, and Jens nodded, laughing. 

"Okay, babe, let's get you some water," the girl with red hair reached forward and pulled at Isa's shoulder lightly, but Isa held on to Jens, turning and uttering a "Wait, wait..." She looked back at Jens and he leaned down, holding her wrists, his eyebrows raised, listening intently. He looked past his reflection in her glasses to look into her eyes.

"You make Lucas...so happy." 

Jens looked up at Lucas, who was blushing profusely. 

"When he told us about you?" He looked back down at Isa. "When he told us about you, he smiled so much." She stared at him intently, her mouth open like she was thinking about what to say next. "You know he loves you? He loves you."

All the girls were smiling, and Jayden and Kes were smiling, and as Kes and the girl with the bandana reached out to take Isa to get water, Lucas reached forward, pulling Jens into a soft kiss. Jens pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around his waist as Lucas wrapped his around his neck, grinning against each other's mouth as they heard Lucas's, and Jens's too now, friends cheer around them.

When he pulled back, Lucas's eyes were teary as fell into Jens, smiling bashfully at his friends' cooing.

They all stayed up that night, much later than Jens had expected, much later than they really should have, seeing at most of them had to go to school the next day. (The red-haired girl, Janna, Jens had learned, threatened to not go the next day, but Engel made her promise to. And apparently no one could refuse Engel a promise.) They all danced in a group, spilling splashes of beer and vodka, ignoring it, their arms raised, hands waving and heads bobbing, Jens's and Lucas's fingers entwined every second of it. The music was so loud that Lucas had to pull Jens close, press his mouth to Jens's ear, to tell him he loved him, the lights pulsing so in between flashes Jens could look up and see the stars.


	75. Vrijdag 21:12

**Lucas**

Lucas sat at the halfpipe with his leg strewn on top of Jens's, holding Jens's hand in his lap, keeping his close as long as he possibly could before Jens left that night. Their skateboards were behind them, Jens's bag on top of his. Lucas didn't like looking at his bag. He was trying to ignore the fact that Jens was leaving. As he looked up to the stars, his head tilted back, he listened to the music playing from the speakers behind them, listened to the party-goers, friends and strangers, laughing and dancing. Someone had set up lights, strung up lanterns, set up a DJ station, had set up a drink station, and Lucas and Jens ended up at the party, practically dragged by Jayden and Kes, who had disappeared in the crowd of dancers, with their bottles and plastic cups.

Lucas's own plastic cup was next to him, still almost completely full. He didn't feel like drinking. And apparently neither did Jens, who had declined beers from several people when they first arrived.

"This is good," Lucas said and turned to look at Jens. Jens was already looking at him, smiling softly. 

"Mm-hmm." 

They looked at each other for a second before Jens started dancing, moving his shoulders and nodding to the beat of the music, and Lucas watched, amused, before joining, copying him. Jens laughed and lifted Lucas's hand with his, throwing his head back and closing his eyes, humming with the music. Lucas leaned over, pulling Jens closer by tugging on his hand, and pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, scooting closer and reaching his other hand out to touch the side of Jens's face as he turned to look at Lucas. 

Lucas swallowed, admiring Jens's face. He ran his fingers over his brow and cheekbones, gently touching the mole next to his eye, running a fingertip over the angle of his jaw as he leaned in to kiss him. Their fingers twisted together in Lucas's lap, and Lucas felt Jens place his other hand on his leg, squeezing his knee. He pulled away, pressing his forehead to Jens's, and let go of his hand, moving so his leg was on the ground, around Jens, and his other leg was on top of his lap. One hand moved up, tangling in his hair, and he touched Jens's throat with the other, feeling it vibrate as Jens continued to hum. Jens shifted, facing Lucas more, and put both hands on him, running them across his waist, until he gripped it and pulled Lucas closer. Both of them closed their eyes. 

"I'm gonna miss you." Lucas's voice was small, sounding almost scared. 

Jens pulled away, Lucas's forehead becoming cold, and looked at him, pushing a curl out of his face tenderly. He kissed him softly before saying, "That's okay." 

"I don't want to miss you."

"I'll only be a few hours away."

"Still." 

"...I don't want to miss you either." 

Lucas sighed, wrapping his arms around Jens's neck, and buried his face between his neck and his own arm, pressing a soft kiss to the exposed skin. Jens pulled him closer, pulling his legs up and moving them so they were around Lucas. They swayed slightly, Lucas digging his fingers into Jens's jacket, holding on like Jens would fall apart if he let go.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Lucas mumbled against Jens. The words were almost lost in the music. 

"What wasn't?" Jens pushed him back to look at him, and Lucas kept his arms around his neck. 

He thought for a second, about how to explain it, and Jens waited. 

"When I went to Antwerp..." He paused, his eyes on Jens's mouth absentmindedly. "When I went to Antwerp it was to take a break from it all. I was supposed to... chill." 

"Yeah?"

Lucas ran a thumb over Jens's bottom lip. 

"I wasn't supposed to fall in love." 

Jens smiled and leaned forward as Lucas moved his hand to hold his jaw, and they kissed slowly. 

"You'll visit?" Lucas asked when they finally pulled away enough for him to speak.

"Of course." Jens brushed Lucas's hair out of his face. "Maybe I'll bring the Broerrrs up. Merge our friend groups." Lucas scoffed, widening his eyes and looking down.

"I can't even imagine how chaotic that would be." 

"Mm." Jens laughed lightly. "I think Jayden and Moyo would get along." 

"I think Jayden and Moyo are the same person." 

"I think you're right."

They both laughed quietly, and then Lucas sighed, scooting closer until his chest was flush with Jens's, tucking his face in his neck. 

"I don't want you to go," he whispered softly.

"I don't want to go." Jens took a deep breath and pulled Lucas in. "But I have to." 

Lucas groaned against his skin and Jens laughed, turning his head to kiss him quickly. 

"I'll call you. Whenever I can. And text you when I can't call you. I'll write you letters if I have to." 

"Promise?" 

"Mm-hmm."

After another few seconds, Lucas pulled away and leaned back, grabbing the backpack he'd brought with him to the party, and pulled it towards himself, unzipping it and reaching inside, feeling around until he felt a thick, folded piece of paper. He pulled it out and looked at it before looking up at Jens, who was gazing at him curiously. 

"I have something for you," Lucas said, slowly holding the paper out. Jens smiled like he already knew what it was. Lucas watched Jens's face brighten as he unfolded it to reveal a messy drawing of the two of them. Lucas had done it that week when Jens was working on homework. He'd refused to let Jens see it (probably why right before Lucas gave it to him he had that smile on his face). 

"For me?" Jens asked, looking up from the drawing. He was grinning, his eyes sparkling. 

"Mm-hmm." Lucas nodded.

Jens reached out, grabbing the back of Lucas's neck, and pulled him into a kiss, taking Lucas's bottom lip between his, and Lucas smiled against his mouth. 

"I love it," Jens whispered, pulling away just far enough that their lips brushed as he spoke.

"Yeah?" 

"Mm." Jens let go, looking back down at the drawing, and smiled softly. "I love you." He looked back up pointedly.

"I'm glad." 

Jens refolded the drawing after staring at it a few more seconds, and then pulled his bag closer, opening it and placing the drawing between articles of clothing. One of the articles of clothing was a hoodie of Lucas's, a size or two too big for both of them, missing the string. Well-loved. And Jens had told Lucas that he planned on sleeping in it every night, until it didn't smell like Lucas anymore. And then even when it didn't smell like him, it would feel like him. And Lucas had kissed him, but not before taking Jens's hoodie out of his bag in retaliation. Lucas was wearing it now. 

"I'll talk to the guys," Jens said after setting aside his bag. "We'll talk to you and your guys, make some plans to meet up again." 

"I am going to want to get you alone at some point," Lucas said, putting his arms back on Jens's shoulders, playing with his hair.

"Well, obviously."

They kissed again, slowly, and Lucas laid his head on Jens's shoulder, pulling him close and sighing, breathing in the scent that smelled like Lucas's own soap mixed with the distinct scent that was _Jens_ , that his hoodie, his room, his blankets smelled like. 

"Will you bring me a different hoodie when you come back?" he asked.

"Is that going to be our thing? Trading hoodies every time we see each other?" 

"Yeah. Trading hoodies and asking weird questions." 

Jens laughed quietly, and Lucas shivered, feeling his breath on the back of his neck.

"Perfect." 

Lucas hadn't shown him, but he'd changed his lock screen back to the selfie Jens had taken with the teddy bear. He had nothing to hide anymore. It was fine.

When Lucas had gone to Antwerp, it really was just supposed to be a break from everything. It was supposed to be time for him, time for him to have an excuse not to worry about anything, not to text back right away.

He was supposed to be getting away from home.

He wasn't supposed to find it.


	76. Vrijdag 22:37

**Jens**  
He didn't want to leave. If he could, he would have stayed for weeks and weeks, waking up every morning in Lucas's bed, falling asleep in the dark with his arms around his boy, saying silly things to make him laugh, having those beautiful moments where they didn't have anything to say, so they just wrapped their arms around each other and stayed like, their foreheads pressed together, their breaths mixing between them.

But he was needed. And of course, he had schoolwork, and a little sister to take care of. And he didn't bring that many clothes. And he would be back. Probably next week, with or without his friends. 

And it wasn't like they were that far away. In the same time zone, they could make plans to call that would probably work out for both of them. They could call daily (as was the plan), talk about whatever they needed or wanted to talk about. Jens had made Lucas promise that he would call him if he a panic attack, or if he needed any kind of support. He'd held his hand out in front of him, his pinky finger extended, and Lucas had laughed quietly before hooking his on Jens's and using it to tug him into a kiss.

It was like they couldn't stop kissing. Or holding hands. They couldn't stop touching. At the party at the skate park, Kes and Jayden had teased them, commenting on how at every second of the night Jens had an arm around Lucas, Lucas's leg was laying over Jens's, their fingers were entwined, Lucas's head was on Jens's shoulder, Jens's forehead resting on Lucas's temple. Like they were tied together. Jens had no idea how he would survive being away from him. 

He was still amazed by how fast he'd fallen for Lucas.

Within days, he was head over fucking heels.

Lucas and Jens stopped at his platform, facing each other, and Jens set his skateboard down at his feet. They still had a few minutes, and Jens planned on using up every last second he had. He reached out, gripping the lapels of Lucas's jacket and pulled him closer, looking at his face as Lucas looked down. 

"Hey," Jens said quietly, getting Lucas to look at him. 

Lucas did, sighing heavily and lifting his hands up to touch Jens, one hand reaching up into his hair, the other pressing against his throat softly, and Jens smiled. 

"I already miss you," Lucas said, brushing his fingertips back and forth over his skin lightly. 

Jens gazed at him for a second. Lucas looked sad, his head tilted slightly, his eyes looking more up at Jens than directly at him. 

Jens reached around Lucas's neck, pulling up the hood of the sweatshirt he was wearing, the sweatshirt he'd swiped from Jens's bag before they left Lucas's house. He carefully placed it on Lucas's head, pushing the curls that fell into his face out of the way, and then placed his hands on Lucas's neck under the hood. His skin was warm, and he felt Lucas shiver against his cold fingers. 

"I'm right here," he whispered. Lucas's lower lip quivered and his fingers tightened on Jens like he didn't want to let go.

"Come here." Jens pulled him in and kissed him, Lucas taking a deep breath as he did, and felt Lucas's hands slide to hold his face. Lucas pulled him closer, his shoulders shrugging up, lifting to stand on his toes, trying to be as close to Jens as possible.

"Text me when you get home?" Lucas asked when they pulled away.

"Mm-hmm." Jens pressed his forehead to Lucas's. "And I'll call you tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. And-" 

"Okay," Lucas interrupted, laughing.

"I have to go," Jens whispered after a minute of silence, taking a deep breath and pulling his face away from Lucas. Lucas whined, pulling him into another kiss and wrapping his arms around his neck. After pulling his mouth away, he pushed his face into Jens's neck, squeezing with his arms, and Jens wrapped his own arms around him, lifting him slightly. 

"I'm gonna go see you next week," Lucas said, his voice muffled but audible. Jens smiled. 

"Yeah?" 

"Mm." 

Jens pushed him back gently, pressing kisses across his forehead, cheeks, nose, and lips, before letting go and leaning down to pick up his skateboard.

"I love you," he sighed, placing a hand on Lucas's cheek and kissing him softly. 

"I love you too." 

\---

Jens sat on the train alone, the compartment nearly empty, save for an elderly woman who gave him a small smile as he passed. He pulled out his earbuds as the train moved, placing his bag on his lap and his board under his feet. He sighed as the music began playing, looking out the window into the dark, watching lights and buildings pass by, watching the moon follow him. 

He thought he fell asleep for a few minutes, but his eyes opened the second he felt his phone vibrate in his hand. There was a message from Lucas, a selfie of him, visible under a streetlight, holding the skateboard Jens had given him to his chest. He was pouting lightly, looking away from the camera. The message under it read "I miss you :(".

Jens smiled at the picture, saving it, and texted back "Only a few more days, we can do this". 

And then he stared at the picture some more. Stared at Lucas's eyes gleaming in the light, at the freckles just barely visible in the dark. 

He really was beautiful. 

Jens sighed, smiling lightly at the screen. 

Starstruck.


	77. Playlist!

Flow - Crooked Colours  
(Vrijdag 22:47)

Nothing lasts - Bedroom  
(Zaterdag 11:07)

10,000 Emerald Pools - BØRNS  
(Dinsdag 12:08)

Just Breathe - Crooked Colours  
(Dondersdag 20:07)

I Know A Place - Conan Gray  
(Zaterdag 24:47)

Mask Off - Future  
(Dinsdag 23:37)

Die For Me (official instrumental) - Post Malone ft. Halsey and Future  
(Dinsdag 23:58)

Blinding Lights - the Weeknd  
(Woensdag 00:13)

Those Days - Zuhair  
(Woensdag 00:27)

Water - RY X  
(Vrijdag 22:17)

The Kids Are Coming - Tones and I  
(Zondag 14:48)

Get You the Moon - Kinda ft. Snøw  
(Maandag 01:15)

Mile High - James Blake ft. Travis Scott snd Metro Boomin  
(Maandag 17:19)

Sad - Aivarask  
(Dinsdag 22:14)

Metamodernity - Vansire  
(Vrijdag 12:34)

Don't Go Far - Charlie Cunningham (live session)  
(Zaterdag 21:21)

Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex  
(Zondag 9:37)

Champagne and Sunshine - Tarro & PLVTINUM  
(Maandag 07:58)

I Need It - Johnny Balik  
(Maandag 16:47)

FANGS - Younger Hunger  
(Dondersdag 17:38)

Chocolate - the 1975  
(Vrijdag 19:09)

Somebody Else - Flora Cash  
(Zaterdag 12:19)

High for This - the Weeknd  
(Vrijdag 19:47)

Falling In Love - Cigarettes After Sex  
(Vrijdag 20:57)

After the Rain - Kyson   
(Maandag 01:09)

Vaccines Made Me Gay - Grlwood  
(Woensdag 17:12)

The Night We Met - Lord Huron  
(Vrijdag 19:07)

Sink Into The Floor - Feng Suave  
(Vrijdag 20:37)

Afternoon - Tender  
Don't Go Far - Charlie Cunningham  
(Vrijdag 23:47)

The Night Is An Ocean - Winter Aid  
(Zaterdag 10:17)

Lavender Kiss - the Licks  
(Zondag 13:08)

The Wisp Sings - Winter Aid  
(Dinsdag 18:21)

Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America - the 1975  
(Woensdag 10:47)

10 Feet Tall - Cavetown  
(Woensdag 15:09)

Sweatpants - Childish Gambino ft. Problem   
Infinitely Ordinary - the Wrecks   
A Different Age - Current Joy  
(Donderdag 19:58)

Compass - the Neighbourhood  
(Vrijdag 21:12)

Wait - M83  
(Vrijdag 22:37)


End file.
